the memory is foggy, but it’s there
I used to think I had dreamt it;
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smelled of alcohol
the images were so distant that they almost felt unreal

my therapist used to ask me if I was sure it really happened
and to be fair, I wasn’t
but why would a ten year old imagine something so twisted?
and why would the thought of my own dreams make my stomach sick?

I spent years wondering what really happened
and I finally know it was real
because whenever I replay the events I remember
I am back
I can feel the cold air on my skin and the tenseness in my muscles
his voice telling me to come closer
his hands on my shaking body, his breath that smells of alcohol
my dreams have never made me feel this way

I cut myself deep enough to see the bone when I was 16
I fell in love that year as well
They don't tell you what to do after you fall
Because they don't know how hard you will
I cut myself that night in July
I went so deep they had to put me on a lifeline
I am alive now
with skin made of steel
and no one comes in anymore
I fell in love
and you felt me up
you took away my right to say no
overcome with fear
I begged you to stop
they don't teach you how to tell someone
that this has happened before
and every single time
the strength it takes to say no
leaves your throat like a plague
fed by fear and starving for a sound
they don't tell you how hard it is to say no
with your mouth
when your head tells you to be quiet
and the man that haunts your ghostly body
tells you that he does it because he loves you
trigger warning: they don't give you a trigger warning before they hurt you

they just do