When she asked me,
“What triggers you?”
I couldn’t pick one.
Crap.

feel the burning in your chest and enjoy it
the pain, the tightness, the lack of air
you deserve to choke on it
now, dont pretend like you care

sinful silly girl when will you learn
you create chaos wherever you go
you can never escape these burns
so dig in deeper, nice and slow

is self harm still self harm if its emotional?
and do you even know why you trigger yourself?
what a dumb baby *****
stop ******* asking for their help

**** in the horrors of your mind
that's it, breathe the hatred into your veins
inject yourself with your own lies
like an ****** addict just numb the pain

I don’t believe in true love,
for it leaves just like a dove.
He ***** his wings and **** he’s gone
he leaves nothing, not even a song.
Love doesn’t fill my heart with joy.
Love makes me bend until i break like a toy.
He doesn’t love you like you think,
so let your blood poor out into the sink.
Darling, he doesn’t care.
Just don’t forget, never leave your arms bare.
The scars are larger than his love,
now go to heaven on his dove.

Curdled cream and three separate drafts of a memory I can't quite pen properly.
Disappointment inbound, pouring the first cup of freshly brewed coffee down the drain.
Had I checked the date this wouldn't have been a waste of $4; but a solemn reminder of analogies leaping from my brain.
Cycle of sleeping all day to lie awake during the nighttime, overthinking. Curtains of feeling bad about inability to wake normally, darkness of the evening encompassed I finally pull myself out of the bed.
Despite this current pattern, last winter undoubtedly worse with feelings of self destruction and loathing.
For currently I do not cry every waking hour, just wish I was different with no apparent response to change.
Cats continue to be stricken with yet another upper respiratory response to declined immune system of an exotic breed.
Lost debit card, jobless flounder.
No appetite or desire to binge eat for the first day of my existence.
Headlight reflections crawl across the ceiling and I'm suddenly five years old again, afraid of almost everything.
Summer evenings when the whipper-well called out haunting symphony of their nighttime songs.
I never quite believed they were birds, moreover monsters and I never heard those calls other than childhood.
My father outside, and I in the grass.
Childhood wonder as he climbed a ladder to retrieve me a piece of the moon.
Wide eyed awe at this miraculous feat, my father could reach the moon.
Unnoticed by young eyes, the moons sphere just out of reach by trillions of lightyears.
A rock plucked off the driveway.
He must've been proud of his farce, my bewilderment and excitement beaming.
I love you.
Twenty five years later, a memory I haven't connected to in decades.
Perhaps the next time I look to the man in the moon, I'll see your face etched softly on the surface.
That radiating glow reminding me things will be alright.
It's been an odd winter, my heart is cooled more than our weather as of late.
Somewhere through the forests of Sandilands Provincial forest a deer crunches across the snow.
Silence, except for its breath, a softness.
Trees encompass, nurture and protect.
You are home.

Looking at your body
I catch feels
It must be so nice
To feel real
“I’m beautiful just as I am”
You figure
Telling me things like these
Get me triggered

Setting goals for myself
In front of the mirror
Seeing my reflection
Checking out my figure
Under 110lbs
Yes to less, no to bigger
Remembering things like these
Always get me triggered

i should've known
that there's something wrong
as soon as i walked outside through that door
is the same time you've reached your hand and fell unto the floor
the moment i released my grasp onto your wrist,
a new slit was made 'cause you couldn't resist
and i should've known that night was the last time
I'd see your name on my phone

I’m a light switch!

You see,
when I‘m switched on
everything turns bright,

and when I’m switched off,
I become one with the darkness

I could be
too bright at times,
or a an utterly dark self

It’s hard to recognize me
when it‘a dark, I’m unseen

But I can’t recognize myself
when it‘s bright, I’m blinded

All I need is the a
trigger to turn
a bright room
into a graveyard

So please be more
careful with me

I am a light switch

Missing you has taught me
That you can both love and hate someone
So much at the same time
Even though it sometimes feels like every part of me is filled with hatred for you
That I can’t close my eyes without seeing what you’ve let happen to me
But I still cry out for you
My dreams are filled with memories of you
Daydreams consists of you coming back for me
Loving me again
Choosing me
Believing me
You’re not someone I should dream of
You’re someone I should hate completely without emotion
But I still have so many feelings
That I can’t explain
Loving you is hurting me
But hating you is killing me

Stop telling me she only did this because she was scared
I was scared too
I was a little girl
She was an adult
She brought him into my life
She watched him hurt me
Kept him around because he made her happy
Because she didn’t get the same kind of treatment her kids got
She got something out of the relationship
All we got was terrorized
For no reason
Because we existed
Because we were there and wanted to stand up for ourselves and our mother
We were hated because we had voices
That kept speaking out whenever he was loud
She is not a battered women
She was not so abused that she couldn’t stand up for herself
There were many times she stood up for herself and said she would leave him
But she would never leave him because of something he had done to us
Only her
She wanted him
Because she needed someone to hold her up
Because she couldn’t take care of herself
Even though she had two children doing their best to hold her
She put all of her weight on us
And all we expected her to do in return
Is be a mother
She wasn’t a mother
She watched us be whipped with belts
We stared up at her waiting for her to tell him to stop
To push him away to do anything
But she wouldn’t she stared at the ground
We told her many times about each man she had brought into our lives
The ones that sexually abused us
Three children came to her for help
One pregnant
She denied each the help they needed
Didn’t believe them, instead asked the abusers for their side of the story
Then the man got arrested
She lied to the police and told them she had no idea
About the beatings about the abuse
Like she hadn’t watched or seen our red, bleeding welts
She still visited him before his trial
Until the very end
Until his “accident” that she claims he caused
After she was so destroyed
She didn’t cry though
Not during the funeral
Not when she found out
She was dry-eyed and angry
She spun out of control for years
We didn’t talk about my father
We didn’t talk about anything
She was never home
Always working
Mainly partying
Coming home skinnier and hyper
Coming home happy until her next fix
All the while my twelve-year-old sister took care of me
Day and night
From the time I was four until I was seven
My mother was a **** head
She got angry quickly
But was so hyper
Leaving all the responsibility to my young sister
To parent both me and her
My sister had always taken the majority of the care for me
But these years it only got worse
At this time, we all slept in the same bed
A five-year-old, and thirteen year old and a thirty-four-year-old
I had put all of my stuffed animals into the bed to sleep with us
It was my mother's idea that she and my sister slept on top of them
And so my sister listened
And they moved their bodies atop my toys
I pulled at my favorite
Because I slept with it every night
My mom got angry and slammed my head into her metal bed frame
Hard
I cried and she apologized but the damage was still done
She met another man
Who cleared her of her sorrows
And made her from a ****** to a trophy wife
She was so happy
So it seemed at first
So was I
At first
He charmed us with restaurants
And fun activities
Structure and attention
That lasted about two weeks
He charmed my mom into marrying him
At this point, we were scared of him
He would yell at us for the smallest mundane things
And punish us without reason
He would hide in our closets
Then pop out when we started talking about him
He would scream at us
I don’t know how to explain how bad this was
You don’t understand unless you were there
You can’t imagine unless you’ve lived through it again and again
His face would get red
His eyes looked like ice
Normally you thought they were blue but when he was angry they looked icy
Like all the fire from his soul was burning him alive and his eyes were trying frantically to put them out
He used a threatening demeanor
He got close to you
Like he was going to hit you
He balled his fist
And told you how pathetic you were
How stupid
How fat
And worthless
First, he’d say it in a cold voice
Then get scream at you
Then he would kick things around
And break them
Like the time he broke my mom's doorway
Kicked it in so much that she couldn’t shut it
He hit me only once
He pushed me into the rocks and struck me hard three times on my bottom
He also threw my makeup bag at me while I was in the shower It hit my head then fell to the ground
My makeup spilled out and my nail polish broke
It spilled all over the bag and all over the shower
He hit my mom a least once I can remember
I told my mom about him sexually abusing me
I told her about him adjusting my bras and touching my *****
Which should have been enough to send a mother haywire
But it wasn’t
I was so ashamed and embarrassed about all of the other things
The things that were so so much worse because I was so scared he’d yell at me
That I just let him touch me, I just let him do the things he wanted to
I’ll forever be mad at myself for that and feel guilty
My mom told me from the start she didn’t believe me
But I didn’t truly believe her until she lied on the stand testifying for her beloved husband
Testifying against the daughter who had tried to protect her so many times
She broke my heart
I haven’t been the same since and that was almost three months ago
No, I don’t forgive my mother
She is not a mother
She was an accomplice to my abuser
She neglected me
She didn’t care and only loved herself
She was scared
But I was too

How do I explain?
When I don’t know exactly what is going on
Why I’ve been so devastated
Without using my mother's betrayal as my excuse
How do I explain that I can’t smile anymore
How do I explain that I haven’t felt joy in such a long time
That every sign I try to send is denied
The world seems pinned against me every single day
Like it wants me to fail
How can I stop thinking about her?
How I want to change the past
That I want to be able to control what she did
And make her a better mother
How can I explain that just because I miss her does not mean that what I have is not enough
It’s more than enough
But for some reason I need closure
I just want to scream at her
And ask her again and again
Why she couldn’t love me
I want to break something
I want the hole in my chest to fill back up
I want to feel something besides this immense pain inside myself
That no matter what I do I can seem to feel any better
I’m struggling
No hug from anyone can make me feel better
No kind words
Nothing except closure
I want her to pay for the things she did
For making me hurt so bad
I want her to know how badly she’s hurt people
That she’s the villain
I want people to stop telling me
She only did it because she was scared
I was scared too!