I took a step back
And took it all in,
Looking at this scene
As if it were a movie on the big screen
Projected up for everyone to see
And not until then did I realize
This is not my life anymore.
However much it used to be me
However much I want it to be
However much it used to mean to me
Simply does not matter
And I fear it never will again.
It's a twisted sort of funny
The way something can mean so much to you
But at the same time,
You can leave it all in an instant.
That was my life,
The scene I am standing here watching.
It's so strange,
Being on the outside.
I've never seen things this way before.
I guess that is part of leaving the past behind,
Leaving that part of you
And after you leave it
It begins to change
In ways you never could have expected,
But there is nothing you can do
For you are on the outside
Looking in on what you used to know.
And I guess this is when it hit me hardest,
Watching these people,
That maybe I was never a part of this,
Maybe this was never a part of me
For if it had been, if I had been,
Would they and I not feel a loss?
One of those holes you feel
Deep down inside of you.
I don't know what I was then,
But I was obviously never them,
For that hole is not there.
I don't feel its presence at least
And still, even though I am quite aware now
That they do not miss me
And I do not miss them,
I still feel something,
An indescribable feeling.
It's not pain but it's not happiness.
It's that in between that I've been feeling quite often lately.
I'm not sad that I left this world behind,
Nor am I happy.
I am indifferent to this world in the most emotional way possible.
I can't describe it,
But it is there.
I feel its presence eating slowly away at my soul,
But I could never even hope of explaining myself
But here I am anyway,
Trying.
m.c.c.
