Your ivory
Was devouring
First as a smirk
Then a ploy
Grazing a nape
I was your boy

“When will I
See you again?”
You said
“C’mon over”
I replied
So you made the drive

We were lovers
s o m e t i m e s

A birthday card
Now gathering dust
In a bin
I often think
Of what could
Have been

To have your teeth
Grasping my
Whole being
And your
Primal scent
In my nose
Lingering

“When will I
See you again?”
. . . I wonder . . .

Knowing the answer
Is never will we be
More than a secret
Every bead of sweat
Locked up in memory
Safe from your faith
Safe from your family

Which makes me
Sigh
And cry
And die
A little inside

This is purgatory

Your purple satin
Slipped through
My fingers like the
Sands of time

s e v e n
years
since
you
disappeared

And still a part of you
Is always on my mind

Talcum powder
And water
And a few
Other things
Something pink

Smoothed onto
My innocent cheek
Like a mask
Fancy

The sneaking
Into your closet
The blouse
Falling off my shoulder
High-heeled stumble
I’ll understand this
When I’m older

The curiosity
Testing borders
Pushing limits
It’s always been
In me
This glimmering
Faggotry

Don’t make those eyes
I’d sooner carve
Out my own
Than let yours
Meet mine

Don’t smile
I’d rather
Disappear
Completely
Than curl
My lips

Don’t think
I didn’t notice
Your hips
As I drift away

Don’t think of me
Like I think of you
It’s all tarnished now
There’s nothing
I can do

Autumn leaves burning
In the backyard
The scent accented
By a nearby
Lilac tree

What a weird thing
Memory

Like the shack
Closed door
Dusty sneakers
On the floor

Exploring bodies
And fantasies
Galore

Don’t let the hinge bend
Keep it shut
If they don’t see
It didn’t happen
I mean…
We’re only friends

This cabin smells damp
Tucked away in the timber
Backroaded
Secluded
Welcome to Deer Camp

It was wintertime
And we had to ***
Into a tube in the wall
PVC

I’m at that awkward age
Not lanky
But frumpy and weird
So hand me a rifle
For the slaughter
Of a creature I revered

Man, what we do
To make our fathers proud

My secret was
I hated guns
And loved boys
I really only went on this trip
Because I heard that John
Grilled some mean potatoes

Accented with caramelized
Onions and garlic
The rumors were true
The fire crackles
Against a sky
Of light blue

I watched these men
Bearded and loud
Would I ever be like them?
Did I want to be?
My quiet heart
Felt alien
A freak

I wasn’t a hunter
Instead I gathered
A harvest of me
Thoughts and emotions
Into a cauldron
Of poetry

But I kept that part
Hidden
Tucked away
For another day

The men in their
Camouflage attire
Yawn as the sun sets
I try to fit
Into the cabin
We retire

The lantern’s light
Flickers across
The walls of the room
Sam’s Club candy
For dessert
Distant thunder
Booms

It was bedtime
And a storm was rolling
In the atmosphere and in
My head full of fear

Can someone please
Get me out of here

I cried from my cot
“Please take me home”
My dad glared

What a disappointing
Drive that was
Have I ever not
Let you down?
I think
As blankly ahead
I stared

We pull into the driveway
Ignition turns off
Headlamps extinguish
He unlocks the door
By the light of the moon
I feel
Relief and anguish

Mom was annoyed
This was supposed to be
Her weekend alone
Grieving the death
Of her own mother
She hugs me
While wiping
A tear from her
Cheekbone

Steel Magnolias
And a box of Kleenex
I ruined that

You brought a fairy
To deer camp
What did you expect?

I breeze into the bar alone
Order a drink then
Waltz on my own

Four fated eyes
Fog machine
Collide

Seven blocks
Until home
Debauchery
On the dome

The ******* twist of
Pinkened papilla
Candled glow
Sandalwood
Vanilla

Your tongue the till
To my loam
I shrill

You blissed me
So sweet
Sugar stains
On my sheet

Your departure
While slippery
Is no less
A victory

The soft velour
Of a Grand Detour

Please don’t notice
My lingering gaze
It’s probably
Just a pubescent phase

But for a little money
You could help and
Join me
In hard candy
Warm tea
and
Raking Beulah’s leaves

Death called your name, you said
Not from the periphery
But right here
Right now
And it requires bloodshed

Eyes glazing over
The tracks before you
Dreaming of being
Splayed
For the length of a mile

I laugh nervously
When you tell me
Because it was me
Your son
Who handed you the phone
“For death, press 1”

You’re at the crossing now
From the pedal
Your foot lifts
The train’s horn
Bellowing
As into its path
You drift

The brakeman screams
As your body disjoints
Your shame for me reduced
To scarlet exclamation points

A nearby sparrow
Witnesses the scene
“Sad”, she thinks
Hatchlings cozy
Underneath her wing

It’s a bit cruel
To pile your ****
On my shoulders
As if I were a mule

And it’s a bit wicked
To claim my
Unchangeable
Existence
As sin committed  

The enigma of stigma
Is yours to explore
I slide you a key
I’ll be right here
On the other side of the door

A mouse creeps
Across the threshold
Seeing both sides
“Too bad”, he thinks
As he scurries by

You named me Christopher
After a boy killed
By a train
And now you say I’m to blame
Like an unfortunate stain
On the hem
Of our family’s pain

The truth is
I couldn’t keep living a lie
And I’m sorry, dad
I’m the reason you want to die