I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling as the hours tick by

1..2..3 am

I can’t sleep.

I toss and turn trying to find comfort, but its impossible

I can’t sleep.

I count to 126 trying to find fatigue, but its impossible

By 3:30 i manage to rest.

I wake at 11:00, almost noon..

Half my day is gone..

I crave physical touch.

I want to be wrapped in someone’s arms as i listen to the musical drum of their heart and the reverberation of their voice as they speak to another

I want to hold hands with the people i love and never let go in hopes that they’ll stay forever

Here i sit in the back watching you two interact

I don’t want to feel this way but i do

You’re both carefree and happy as I’m just a spectator waiting for love

We’re sitting here talking about my future

I’m dazing off into space

I’m not sure what i am

Or who i want to be..

You will forever be the essence of my only sun.

I will love you till the day I die, I will say a prayer to you every night.

No matter the time of day I will always talk to you.

Every. Step. Of the way.

You are the essence of my sun  because you could bring the whole world to its knees with just your smile.

I would do anything to see you again..

And I hope you know that.

"Welcome, Black Sheep"
by E.J. Crowe

To the humans that drift in between—
the ones life cast aside, marked as trash.
Why?
Because you're an addict: *****, pills, ****, cigarettes.
All man-made, not God-given.
The Lord sees us in His image—
until we sin.
Good equals bad.
Bad equals chaos.
One cannot thrive without the other.
World peace?
A pipe dream, forged by hopeless humans
for a false sense of security.
A marvel.
A utopia born from delusion.

To the addict who didn’t make it out—
I'm sorry.
Your funeral was beautiful.
You looked majestic. Clean.
A perfect family model now, I guess.
But why the fake suit?
Why the empty words?
No one wants to accept the guilt
of making you a black sheep.
A martyr.

But I saw you.
I saw the silent cries
through needle-laced veins,
your glass mask,
your bloodied eyes.
You were the truth—unfiltered.
At least you had the ***** to be you.

Through the rabbit hole—
how deep does it sway?
Which pill do you take?
Red or blue?
Reality or comfort?
Blurred contrasts of fake existence.

“Drugs are bad,” they scream
from their ivory towers,
judging God’s creation
through man’s corruption.

I was an addict.
I loved to pop pills.
I loved throwing up blood
and waking up in unfamiliar towns,
in strange houses,
sweating,
smelling like shame and stale cigarettes.

Wash that truth down
with your cold beer.
I loved to party.
And addiction loved me back, right?

Did it love the lost souls too?
That’s a loaded question—
barreled with flaws and hollow points.
A hard truth,
etched in scars and injection marks.

Welcome to the family,
fellow black sheep.

Only Been an Hour"

The fragile cracks of my mind,
decapitated, decayed—
like a festering wound,
a portal to the unknown.

My clouded thoughts
once wore a hollow mask—
a smile painted in panic,
a joke to cloak the hurt.

“Hi, how are you?”
I ask, out of habit,
too scared to leave the comfort
of my hollow home.

A hermit,
lost in the midst of madness,
questioning everything:
Am I normal?
Am I okay?
I must be—
I'm still alive, still pulsing...
But it all feels like a deep ruse
to hide my trauma.

Am I me?
Or am I plastic?

A lone wolf taught to bottle his pain—
because “that’s just how men are raised,” right?

The pressure builds,
and I can’t take it.
One drink—
and my emotions bleed
through the cracks in my façade.
Another drink—
and another...

Now I’ve got my tiger stripes,
I’ve got my confidence.
But I’m numb.
No joy. No fear.
Just silence.

Is this real?

Maybe a line.
Some blow.
A pill.
Blackout.

I wake in a puddle of *****—
shirtless, sweating, shaking—
a corpse with a pulse.

Is this me?

I hear muffled voices
as I come to in a hospital bed.
No questions asked,
just dismissal.
Back home.

Back to silence.

I cry myself to sleep
as the clock ticks,
pounding like a hammer
in my skull.

It’s only been an hour.

I wish I could go back in time and make myself more important to you.