You never knew your brothers laugh,
You never saw your sister's grin
You never felt the warmth
of your mother, skin to skin

You never knew your dad's embrace,
You never felt his scruffy face.
You never heard the sound of rain
Pelting on the window pane

You never snuggled with a book
You never scraped your little knee
You never loved, you never cried,
You never met your family

And I, I never knew you.
But...

You never struggled against sin
You never hurt someone you love
You never bore the weight of separation
From your Heavenly Father above

And someday, I'll know you.

Smiles, put on; happy, engaging
Internal walls are crumbling, raging
Darkness, a weight - breath just a spurt
Intangible things causing tangible hurt

Near to home, dear to heart, blessings abound
But nigh in thy ***** cobwebs are found
Joy is a thief of sorrow's expression
Lifting up others while veiling depression

Patience, yes patience.. the months become years
The lines become blood; the hopes become tears
The blame, the self-loathing, they rot in the gut
And each success story's another small cut

A heart that never beat
changed my whole life.
I could feel the life
leave your tiny mass—
a devastating realization
I didn’t want to believe.
Even when the blood started flowing,
I still had hope.
Not until you left my body
did I accept your fate.
The sight of you
still flashes
through my mind.

Empty hands pack the nursery away.

Empty womb expelled life anticipated.

Empty chest remembers crushing words.

Empty sound where a heart should beat.

Empty dreams become regular nightmares.

Empty hope with the monthly visitor.

Empty smile as her belly grows.

Empty joy when an infant cries out.

Empty eyes, blank with numbness.

I feel as though I cannot talk about my loss
It feels so taboo
But how am I supposed to spend this Christmas missing you
You wouldn’t be here yet but it feels your already forgotten
I still have nightmares about the day I found out I lost you
Sometimes I sit there minding my business and I feel the pain in my chest
I still have a habit of putting my hands on my tummy to let you know I’m still here
I yearn to continue to protect
I punish myself every day telling myself that it’s somehow my fault you died
Despite doing everything in my power
My body failed me and it lied
You were dead for weeks while i celebrated and was impatient
Watching my false bump grow
For the day id see you big on that screen with your daddy adjacent
Instead I’ve lost you both because the loss turned me into a monster
The grief turned me into someone I don’t even recognise and the mummy you know; I’ve lost her
All I wanted was to be a mother and a wife and it feels like it’ll never happen
The greif came along and killed her like an assassin
I want to find myself again, so daddy can someday love me once more
But my soul since I lost you both has been left so torn
I wish I had died that day I had to say goodbye
So I didn’t have to live this life without you both by my side
I never wanted it to end up like this and I wish I didn’t let me break my spirit
But now all I want is to join you up there with a visit
I miss a face I have never seen and a smile that will never beam
And a child I will only ever get to hold in my heart
I hope I make you proud and I’m sorry I lost your daddy
And I hope that while mummy cannot be there with you to keep you safe
That you are truly happy
I miss you my angel, more than you’ll ever know
While I’m not a religious person I look for you in the sky
I promise I’ll do my best to continue to grow
Until someday I get to call your special spot in heaven my home
I will never stop continuing to fight for me and your father to work out
So we can give you a sibling that can have a piece of you with them
And we can someday talk about you and shout
Until then I hold you in my memories
And keep you in my heart
And soon we will no longer be apart

She can not understand
how much a heart can desire
something it never had.
Those little hands and little toes
soft coos and a tiny, button-nose.
Wrapped in white, an angel sleeping,
peaceful and drowsy,
with all the angels waiting.
With hands that don't know how to stay
and cries are all to communicate,
a darling angel grows and cleaves,
relying on one for all she needs.
And wherever in Heaven she may be,
your lonely mother waits for thee.