I'm too despressed to notice I'm stressed out
Suppressed emotions inside, shouldn't let out
Seeing is believing but what I see isn't real
I am forced to accept these "realities" and ignore the way I feel

I don't mean to sadden, entertain, bore, or aggravate,
For a decade I find that this is how I communicate
The only way I can precisely speak out on the unhealthy pleasures
As the chemicals of my brain, they fornicate

These levels of relationships aren't supposed to be
It'll **** me sometime later, look at how it has ruined my personality
Seeing is believing, but you won't believe what I see
How can I act 'normal' when you won't acknowledge I can't do 'human being'

My animalistic compulsions are fuelled by my failing brain functions
Don't get too close cause I'll try to bite, I sympathise for your flesh when I malfuntion
Don't be scared, I'm not canibalistic, I just like to use my teeth
Humans scare me, I must defend myself, uh, I mean, to smile and eat

I'm not afraid to say it, but I'm scared when I'm saying it, I have to say
I have been observing your mundane human actions, I really don't want to be put away
I always feel foreign, alienated, out-of-place
But because I'm "considerate," I have to bite my tongue to save me some face

I'm too stressed out to notice that I'm depressed
Wanting mental soundessnes, yes, peace, my hallucinations don't give me rest
My taughts speed down their highway, my delusions are always a-fest
They inflict beneath my exterior, but for the public eye, I wear a crest

"I wear my skin well, don't you think?" I lie, becuase it ill-fits
I am totally normal, "I'm fine." Can't change the fact I'm a misfit.
The beams that bear my bag of meat rust and thus begin to weaken
The lethal sagging's caused by the mental luggage, I'm not heard, even though I'm speaking

Many persons think that I'm overly paranoid, I must admit, that I am
You would be the same way too, if about your health, no one ever gives a ****
Help doesn't come, because their 'laters' always becomes 'nevers'
I am not that superhuman, can't keep myself together, forever

They claim that they would help me, some way, somehow, but their actions never initiate
Someday, sometime, it would all be over, through a thorough death physical or mental
Oh yes, I'm still believing, you can't accuse me of not having faith.
I look forward to my healing, but all the while, my brain chemicals fornicate.

No more by name, an identity crisis
Often lonely, left within my thoughts
Time seems to be ever so motionless
Happiness trapped in memories
I fight myself to see the next day
Needing to find my hope again
Gratefully disenchanted to have opened eyes

is wrong

"Have you ever been stuck in an elevator," he asked with half a frown,
"And then the lights flicker, and starts going down?
Not necessarily fast, but not really slow
Just enough that you brace for the blow,
For the crash that never seems to come.

"You try to hit all buttons,
You just want to get off at any floor.
The emergency stop is broken,
So you try to pry the doors.
Useless.

If you try to jump inside a falling elevator,
You only go up for a second before contributing to the fall:
Making the force even greater,
Making you feel so weak and so small.

When it suddenly stops and starts working again,
You can only think about that moment when
The gravity that surrounds you
Will betray you.

And I'm happy that your elevator works fine;
And I'm sad when people say I should fix mine.
I'm no mechanic, I just feel the fall,
Where the only thing I can do is wait for it all
To end."

He stopped for a moment,
and looked me in the eyes.
He pointed his index to his temple:
"And that's how it feels inside."

The days drag on
One hour feels like a century
Happiness seems too far to grasp
Dead end job
Struggling for air
Why must life be so dark
fading slowly
Life can not continue this way
Anxiety taking over
I must not let it win
It's getting harder to breathe
Where is the light I seek
In this darkness I call life

Your skin they Unzip,
your body they Evacuate
themselves they Force
their thoughts they Shove.

They control your mouth 
to shoot words about a cause; 
they CLAIM they Know!

With your Blood,
they'll wipe two stripes
on their cheeks,
ready for marching the streets!

Shouting loud
about pain and grief.
Clueless they are -
how Foggy it can be.

Step by step,
in your tight skin,
they marched ignorantly -
Thinking freedom
they had to snap; 
"Snap out" of the inches
they invaded -
in the name of relating. 

Not knowing,
what it takes to talk that Talk.
A mile in your skin they thought they can Walk -
Your SUFFERING;
they couldn't hold
out of your skin -
COWARDLY they withdraw...

You have become an all to familiar presence in my life. From the wave of incompetence that often washes over me as soon as I wake up, to the heavy ache that nuzzles itself beside me as I sleep – you are the unwanted intruders that force themselves into the comfort of my being.  You haunt me with my own thoughts, and use my fears and insecurities against me.  Time and time again you feed me lies by telling me that I am not worthy  - that I am not good enough for success or deserving of love.  Sometimes you even tease me by leaving for a short while, giving me a small glimpse of freedom - only to quickly return with new and more powerful tricks up your sleeve.

Together you are the dichotomy that makes it absolutely impossible to get through even the most remedial of tasks.  Anxiety, you keep me awake at night by preying on my paranoia, causing me to obsess over every stupid mistake I have ever made, and reminding me of all the things that I have not done.  All the while, Depression you cast your cloud upon me by keeping me in bed all day, and telling me that nothing matters anyway.  This unrelenting battle in my mind puts me in a state of frantic melancholy – constantly sending me to the brink of madness.  Learning to understand how to live with you is like learning how to live in a body that is not mine.

You are the wildfire that will stop at nothing to destroy every sign of life within its path, and I am the blackened remnant of a forest.  Gasping for breath in oxygen depleted air – I desperately cling onto the slightest bit of life I can find.  I fight to gain control over this insanity.  I will not let you win.

I will not let you win because you do not get to define how I live.  You seek to **** quietly and without notice but I will no longer sit in silence.  I will speak up, because I am tired of feeling trapped within the confines of my own mind. I am tired of putting on this happy face, and pretending like I am okay.  


But you know what?

It is in those moments where you make me feel helpless that I will continue to push forward and fight, because no matter how tight your grasp, how loud your screams, or how hard your scratches may be, I know that I am growing.  Just like the flowers die in Winter and learn to bloom again with Spring, my soul is learning how to rejuvenate amidst this storm.

It is in those moments when I begin to retreat back into the darkness of isolation, where despite my cries for help, I find familiarity in pushing away those around me -that I will write and I will create. I will expose your haunting thoughts, and the debilitating lies that you feed me because contrary to how you make me feel, I am NOT alone in this.

It is in those moments when I start to feel myself slipping into your fatal complacency, when I feel suffocated by the inner workings of my own brain that I will CHOOSE to be joyful. I will CHOOSE to be inspired rather than to be defeated.  I will CHOOSE to be kind to myself. I will CHOOSE to love on those around me, and I will CHOOSE to put my hope and my identity in my God.  

I know that it won’t be easy, and I know that some days will be harder than others, but it is in this simple declaration where a new page will be turned. This is me reclaiming my body, my mind, and my spirit.  This is me CHOOSING to no longer be a prisoner to you.  This is me beginning to set myself free.

Accelerated trauma
Starts my videotape
I replay it ten times over
Until my body breaks

The voices in the distance
Lost by a wall of sound
Distorted scenes crush me
Falling to the ground

Screaming out in fear
A fight before my eyes
Lashing out around me
Leads to my demise

Rapid breathing dissipates
Calmness fills the air
Tears break the silence
Fills me with despair

The dark storm receding
Carnage everywhere
Scattered lives around me
Damaged beyond repair

blood thin. her arm was at ease,
but cooked in her mind were beings like fleas.  
They only grew fowler, more putrid with the heat.  
she only grew weaker as you do in defeat.
well when you accept it anyway,
Ive known a thing or two about it
but she couldn’t hear me through curses she was shouting.
I guess that was the hardest thing:
My mind would keep guessing
as the fleas were surfacing.  

So thats why I put her at ease.
For her head was for bed,  so take her now please.
My own head is sweating, I need her still and to sleep.
So take her now please, before they burrow deep.