Darling, maybe you are an angel
and I for you

someone who believes in you
someone who dares

as if it were forever
someone who decides so

and confirms with a clasp of hands
in the silence of not knowing

and exactly knowing
that love is too big

and cannot help
but disguise itself

in half work and failures
to love yourself

it all started at one dinner

"all of that is for you?"
"how can you eat so much?"
"are you sure you want all of that?"

was it wrong for me to eat what i wanted to?
i remember looking at my plate
i left it untouched the rest of the dinner
i thought it would never happen again
but again i was attacked with words

"girls dont stay skinny forever you know"
"you are going to get fat, stop eating"
"do you want to be fat?"

i was confused
had i done something wrong?
where was all this coming from?
what do you want me to do?

the tv made it worse

"look at how skinny she is"
"no wonder she has a husband"
"her child will be just as beautiful as her"

i curled into a ball ashamed of myself
why were you telling me this?
why were you being so mean?
how do i fix things between us?

i had stopped eating
the emptiness in my stomach no longer hurt
water was my only meal each day
my sleepless nights were filled with crying

"dont eat that"
"not that either, you have to stay skinny"
"you can go with one less meal"

my friends didnt know
they knew i didnt eat alot
but he knew right away
he knew something was wrong

"hey do you want this slice?" the pizza was put in front of me
one look at it and i was crying
"are you okay? whats wrong?"
i pushed the slice away and left

he was silent at first
he knew to give me my space
but you didnt
no you were still there beside me

"look what you did fat girl"
"you know skinny girls dont act stupid"
"what a fat freak"

when i finally told him what was wrong he smiled

"those are lies and you know it"
"you are so beautiful"
"you are stronger than those words"

and since then the words didnt hurt as much when you said them
sure you kept saying it
and you still do today
but i know that i am beautiful
my best friend had said so and he never lies

you cant hurt me anymore

I love you
   love you
             you

As the time went by,
I forgot to love myself

I love you
I love
I*

But when things ended between us
I have learned to appreciate
and love myself more

Have you ever felt sometimes that you were not alive - living a life that has no meaning. A life where the world has come to an end - the kind of ending where colors have disappeared.

Have you ever felt sometimes that you were loved but loneliness has suffocated you so much that you could not even feel the warmth of the loved ones anymore?

I've always felt like I needed to be strong - for the ones I loved but lately I've felt the strength leaving my bones.  I've felt like I could not give up on the people that surrounded me - but why does my life seems to be so empty?

Of all the goals I've achieved the past years - I should be tremendously proud  but the only time I felt really alive was when I took ecstasy.

Feeling the rush through my veins again - feeling the music pumping through my heart and soul - I felt like I could die. I felt like I could die of a delusional happiness.  What is happiness?

I almost forgot what it was when I met my first love - but when I came back to my senses - when I fell out of love I realized that loving was being able to cope with the solitude within myself. It is about loving yourself and being able to bare with the demons inside of you. I felt like I could go crazy - waking up with this unbearable pain inside of me. I do not know why or how I cannot stand the fact of being by myself - always searching for someone to warm the side of my bed and text me in the morning to feel like - I EXIST.  I AM HERE.  I AM SOMEONE.

Deep down I know I don't need someone to tell me who I am - I know I shouldn't find someone to make me feel alive - because it is my responsibility to find my own peace of mind.

It is my responsibility to bring myself happiness and joy - but I wish truly to find the strength to move on because I do not want to feel this way anymore. I do not want to feel this empty anymore. I do not want to feel lonely anymore. So please hurry up darling and love yourself already - life is so beautiful please don't give up now.

I will always be here for you even when you feel like there is no light, when you feel there is no hope - I will hold your hand.
Press it against your heart - feel the heartbeat - feel the life inside your chest.

You are here with me and I love you.

- Myself

She's searches for the path that takes her right,
But of course; it's out of sight
She's makes life long commitments
For in her belly there is a figment
"Three months old"
she says "it is distant"

Her mom asks with Constance's,
how she's supposed to take care of something of her own,
because when it comes to her own self;
Well, she is all alone

every night there is a wish she grants
too find away out what she can't
For smoking ****,
and doing wrong deeds
Doesn't fit her needs

For she dreams higher
She wants to be admired
Not undesired...

my personality only comes in one flavor
and I'm not here
to custom-make an order or
wait on the haters
hand and foot

it shouldn't matter if my poetry is bland and tasteless
if my story isn't interesting enough to be told

perhaps I am a lone comic book sitting on a shelf in Green River, Utah

I may be useful to somebody
Someday
(but in the meantime I'll learn to love myself)