U live in denial
Instead of pressing refresh
U refuse to start over
Leaving behind all the cancerous mess
Instead u desperately wait
All night at the door
Knowing so well
She won't come through there no more
Tell me what will u gain
By living this way
Blinded by heart ache
U slip further away
Thinking now your the one
That must be put into blame
U can't seem to carry on
Everywhere that u go
U can't help but see her face
So u drown your sorrows
Every night after dark
Hurt from it all
You've lost who you are
Only to realize the answer wasn't there
Now your a mess & drunk
Completely lost in despair
But I know your helplessly trying
I see it within your eyes that constantly keep crying
Due to your heart aching pain
Broken down wondering how
It all ended this way
  
                                                     - Abraham Avalos

Journal entry #4

Ever since I started this dammned therapy, it's as if the flood gates have opened up within my heart.
All the memories of you I kept hidden are now breaking through. Destroying all the walls I hand built to keep you out.

These memories come in waves.
Some are brief.
Some are long.
Some are just glimpses of your handsome face.

But out of all of them, one in particular stands out.

We had rented movies.
All the movies you chose were action packed.
But I chose a romantic movie.
I don't remember the name, but I do remember the ending.

It made me cry, it was a beautiful ending about love everlasting.
And I remember looking over at you expecting you to laugh at me, but you too were crying.

I remember how we both instantly laughed.
It was then In that very moment,
(At the time)
That I thought we were sharing the same feelings.
That we were crying because we could relate to how much these two people loved each other, because we loved each other just as much.

I'll never forget how you pulled me in close hugged me, and kissed me and then said I love you so much.

And most of all, I'll never forget how we both wiped each others tears and said,

"**** this movie."

Lol

The ground you walked on made me feel proud to walk in the same direction, now I find myself looking backwards to see if you’re still walking behind me. You had sprained your ankle and you still walked miles to be with me, stayed with me, held me and told me that even when I looked like complete **** (which I did- you would say) you could still paint the sky with the color of my eyes. You brushed my hair behind my ears and told me that this life wasn't made for you. I wish I didn't read your obituary once a month.  I will never forget that night, being held and shown a glimpse of love from someone that claimed he would never know how.

I never knew what real loss felt like....
Until I lost you.