When I look in the mirror it goes far

Like how my hair isn’t long enough
My face is broken out
The bags under my eyes
I’m not the right height

Looking hard at the reflection thinking
Why does this boy find me attractive
He sees my blonde hair
And my wide grin that never falters
At least around him it doesn’t

He stares at me regardless
Whether in a dress or onesie
Ever so his eyes stay captive

His eyes on me as his lips brush my ear
“You look amazing Princess”
His voice send goosebumps
But yet that mirror haunts me

Why does he look?

If you asked me the one thing I couldn't live without
I wouldn't be able to answer immediately because I'd be too wrapped up
          in the images my mind conjures.
The song that would play through my mind would shut my eyes
Because it brings back the memories of when I asked him to be mine..
          even though it could be his demise.

I would be able to see vividly that smile that is contagious even when I've
          been crying.
I would be able to hear that sound of rolling thunder in his laugh..
I would be able to feel his body against mine as well laid in the summer
          night beneath the stars,
And I might just begin to cry as I remember him kissing each of my scars.

That safe feeling he brings to me is addicting
In this world where I've learned that almost no one can be trusted,
And I find that I just want to lose myself in those stormy eyes
The eyes which show all his pain and his love and make it impossible for
           him to lie.

But if you ask me again about the one thing I couldn't live without I
           would smile,
And I would not say his name.
Instead I would say "My journal" still smiling all the while
Because it is the one thing that can not abandon me
And the one thing that can't give me away to you or let you see.

So please.. Don't ask me what I can't live without because I can not choose
Between the sacred truth and the safety of lies
Because I fear losing trust
But I've also been taught that that hiding the dangerous truth is a must.

So I will lie through my teeth
Saying that love can't touch me and there's no one that can make me
            smile.
I will say that the thing I trust and could ever want is the pages of a
            journal,
And I will turn away to make sure you can't see the struggle internal.

So when I am exiled to solitude it will not be him they let me take with
             me,
Because I can't bring myself to separate him from those he loves and those
              who need him
And even more so because for the longest time the lines pages of a book
              were my perfect escape
From the world made my heart in need of binding tape,
And when it is between his life and mine I will gladly run back to my  
               old and only escape.

It drives me ******* crazy
When I don't know what to say
More so even
When you look at me that way

How my mind aches
When I don't know what you're thinking
All I ask for is a word of release
To keep me from all this sinking

Black hole, quicksand, however you put it
There's no limit to the tracks that my mind can run
Every second of every minute

Say something! Do something!
I'm just idly standing
Then there it is again, that look
And I'm not reprimanding