I've grown a new layer of skin
in just less than two months
I now have an exterior shell
protecting me from reminders
of the pain that lies underneath
protecting others from the discomfort
of witnessing a mental breakdown
Now it's harder to feel
and when a crack begins to spread
I'm quick to patch it up
because it's easier to swallow my words
than to speak them through tears.

I’m exhausted,
I am a wreck,
I have put on a show,
And I did not slip.

I showed you my home,
While you smiled with tears
And we both felt the grieving
From all those so near.
We realized our loss
Was not ours alone
And we gathered together
In this just right sized home.
We mingled,
And conversed.
We shared our stories
And our tales,
And we all agreed that while in this world, He prevailed.

I feel the loss so deep
That it could cut down to my soul.
But I feel the love all around me,
As you gather in my home.
-ALC February 10, 2017

i remember january 2, 2015 like it was yesterday.
i remember waking up at 9:14 am with my cousin.
i remember my brother coming in my room to tell us my nonni was dead.
i remember yelling at him, like it was his fault or something.
i remember being angry.
i remember not knowing when i'd smile again.
i remember not being able to breathe.
i remember my mom coming home for the first time in five days.
i remember going through photos for the funeral.
i remember pulling out the black dress she always loved on me.
i remember three days later, seeing my nonni, so still, still beautiful.
i remember my friends and family hugging me.
i remember being numb.
i remember crying so much, i couldn't even read the eulogy i wrote.
i remember my uncle singing "you raise me up" for her.
i remember  january 6th, her funeral.
i remember slipping that black dress on.
i remember being there.
i remember people talking.
i remember a priest.
i remember maria squeezing my arm.
i remember paula reading a Bible verse.
i remember my mom holding me as my body shook.
i remember wailing as everyone took communion.
i remember not being able to stand.
i remember my friends and family trying to hug me.
i remember them carrying her out.
i remember taking a rose off her casket.
i remember holding that rose so tight, that the thorns cut my skin.
i remember remembering everything my nonni ever did or said.
i remember not thinking i'd ever get through this.
i remember screaming.
i remember trying to hide the pain.
i remember being broken.
i remember not being able to breathe.
i remember hurting.
i remember everything.
i remember her.

I'd like to say a few quick words,
   what's really on my mind;
I feel almost upset right now,
   it's me you left behind!

I know it was your time to go,
   my Jesus called you Home;
But still I feel so crushed inside,
   without you and alone!

I've tried so hard to just move on,
    but nothing feels just right;
Your in my thoughts and prayers each day,
    as well as dreams at night!

I think back through the years gone by,
   and all our memories made;
To make it through another year,
   no, more like day to day!

I see you still at times I think,
    then realize I'm a fool;
I know it's just a trick of mind,
   but still it seems so cruel!

I guess right now you know how bad,
   my missin' you has been;
I'd give up every thing in life,
   to hold you once again!

So when I lost you here with me,
    there's one sure thing I know;
That Heaven gained a precious gem,
    when Heaven gained your soul!

Time is wicked
I don't understand
there is either not enough
or too much
and today too much
time has passed
since I last saw you
hugged you
stood in the same room as you
and now without notice
you're gone
just like the time
that has passed
and we can never get back.