Omission is a flower tainted
                but still blossoming.
The scent not as
                       fresh as legitimacy.

Not wilting though due to
               compromised nourishment.
        making up for flawed seeding's.

January: It had been three months since I saw you, spoke to you; but the pain was still there, still potent. I began numbing it with ***** and boys and anything I could to distract me from what had taken place. I didn't care about school or getting a job. I just simply wanted to forget.

February: You weren't the first thing on my mind anymore when I woke; though you always crossed it. Something always reminded me of you. A smell, a sound, a feeling. Your voice had faded and name no longer made me sick. But you were still there.

March: I slept with someone else. I finally found it in me to give myself to someone else. I just wanted there to be someone. I didn't want you to have that hold on me anymore. I went against everything I thought and believed and I slept with someone else. I wasn't in love. I wasn't even in like. It was a total stranger. Just someone who could make me feel something again.

April: I thought I was going to break when what was supposed to be our six month anniversary came about. But I didn't. I didn't even think about you. You had messaged me out of the blue, apologizing. Apologizing for everything you put me through, telling me how I didn't deserve it. It made me laugh. I knew you'd come crawling back, but I knew it wasn't genuine. You still only wanted one thing from me. I threw myself into my work.

May: I was so looking forward to graduating. To moving forward. To ridding myself of you. I met someone, someone I thought nothing of at the time. He was just another temporary boy. Little did I know I'd see him again.

June: I graduated. I was free. I felt free. So many people thought I wouldn't do it. You broke me. You broke me so badly. I was still trying to fix myself with ***** and gin. I worked, I drank, I repeated. I went out and tried new things, new people. You tried apologizing again, I laughed.

July: I met him again. He showed up and hung around. I was weary of him. I didn't trust him, because of you. I didn't want it to just repeat. I was so worried he was going to hurt me like you did. I told myself I wasn't going to date him. I wasn't going to fall for him. But the butterflies that filled me every time I saw him, thought different.

August: August was full of adventures, smiles, laughs, tears, love. I saw him everyday. I spent all of my time with him. He had my attention better than anyone else had. I was falling. Oh god was I falling.

September: The adventures continued. We went to the beach, the mountains, the lakes. Everything with him was passionate. Vivid. It's like he breathed life into my lungs. He made me feel alive. I was on top of the world with him. Loving him took courage and strength. He got it all.

October: I told him I was leaving. I was leaving what I called home. Oh I think I broke him. You should have heard the shift in his tone, how his eyes grew dimmer, the sliver of hope he had left faded away. I was leaving, but he never asked me to stay.

November: November saw a month of tears. I was gone. My love, my best friend, my soulmate was so incredibly far. Physically and emotionally. I have never felt so alone. I missed him. I wanted him. Sometimes I even think I needed him. He was everything to me. Oh how badly I wanted to come home to him. I promised him I would. He couldn't wait though, he couldn't wait for me to come back to him... so he distracted himself with her. That made me question everything.

December: Meeting him at the airport after six and a half weeks was riveting. I was a wreck. What if he didn't love me anymore? What if I couldn't look at him? What if his plans for me, us, had changed? What then? Oh, but being in his arms... I've never felt so calm. So at peace. He wiped my tears. Reassured me of my fears. I began to imagine life with him, in even greater detail than before. He paralyzes me in a way you never did. He sees the broken you left behind and holds the pieces together. He looks at the hurt you left in my eye and finds beauty in it. I swear he could see into my soul.

January: I left him again. I had to go back home. I left him. I don't feel right without him. He's my person. My best friend. My go to. Not having him here is like living without oxygen. It's impossible.

In My Sole
It was just a normal day that we happened to be together. Your hand in mine-us side by side, and then you broke away. You broke away to stare at something from far away so it wouldn't be self conscious of you peering into its soul. You stood there looking so intently at something I couldn't see. I couldn't see what you perceived for I couldn't believe that there was something you saw that I couldn't conceive. So I stopped...I smiled and I took a picture. I took this picture of you staring in the distance with this half acquired smile... a moment in time that I would be sure to keep with me forever. The moment penetrated my soul ever so deeply that I decided to keep the picture somewhere it could affect even the ground I walk on. I keep the picture in my sole... In the sole of my shoe so no matter where I go I'm walking with you.




Faded Photograph of a Photographer
In an old...
wallet
box
attic
was an old faded photograph of a photographer.
Meant to be...
left alone
put to rest
forgotten
it was since then brought back by nostalgia and the impossible life that was now to be lived without you.
You liked to be...
behind
smiling through
holding the camera
as you were the photographer but not this time, as you were the photographed...
In front of
smiling at
holding a pose
while I became the photographer, photographing you, the freshly captured photographer in the faded photograph.
In an old...
dream
heart
memory
you never faded but remained the still whole of a perfect silhouette.
The perfect photographer preserved in the perfectly faded photograph for...
love
life
forever.




The Imprint
I just stood there watching from feet away floating in a time that was once my own, and watching a moment form before me that I burned into my memory. I watched a much younger version of myself sitting with you in all of your perfect imperfections. I wanted to talk to you again, to hear your voice be directed toward me for one last time, but I knew that was something that I could not do for I had already had my moment. If I intervened everything could change, and I would be stealing away precious time from a younger me that would never be ready for anything shorter than forever with you. Instead, I kept my safe distance and watched as the two of you got up from our bench that we spent hours on talking or just sitting in silence. The look on his face-the look on my face was a priceless glance as the two of you walked with interlocked hands in a silence as perfect as a symphony. You then seemed to notice something out of the corner of your eye as you began to glance toward my direction. I drew back at first before remembering that I was not something that could be seen by you, but merely a ghost in time. You broke away from his hand and you continued toward where I floated, and you just stared right at me as if you could see me-as if you could feel me. With your half acquired smile I finally felt like I was home again, and I watched the younger version of me capture a perfect picture of you. With that I was once again in our old attic, holding that old photo, that was taken that old day, imprinting a forever timeless love. A love that would live on in my soul for...
love
life
forever.

sorry clings to a dark heart
take the wrong path, no restart
put it on the line, to have it all
my sorrow ushers in your pleasure
bewildering how you will never know
full circle for the things I've done to you
the dreams that will never fade to obscurity
we knew there was something wrong with me
wanting something that does exist any more
your pain forever heavy in my heart and my mind
every time I think I succeed, it bombards my mind
My absence has to be one of the best things you know
yet I know there is still a small fire inside
but inside it's just ember by this time
but surely the fire will never die