I could never make you happy
So I gave up

Not on you, No.
But on myself.

For if I couldn't make you happy..
It must surely be something to do with me.

Not you, no..

Why am i like this?
Why me? Why why why..

That's all i ever ask myself.
Why this, Why that.
Why why why.

Perhaps thats why your leaving.
Perhaps that's why all the others left.
Because WHY wouldn't you?

Why why why..

if i loved you dearly, then,
would you think to stray?
if i needed you again
could i make you stay?

and if i wanted you to see
my person, who i am,
would it pain you so to be
asked to give a ****?

if i loved, if i smiled
but still i wouldn't do,
if i'm not enough, my child,
what am i to you?

"i love you" is hollowing
three words aren't enough for me
(they were until my brain ate them whole. now they echo inside my ears, bounce around until my head has had its fill)
tell me i'm better than the others
tell me you haven't come close to loving another soul the way you love mine
tell me that you weren't functioning
that you were a clock without hands
time flew by in the wrong direction and the numbers on your face were a dead language
until we fell together
and then you started counting in real time and loving every tick of every second

i want you to be aggressive
brand your love into the side of my skull
scar it into my collarbones
make my illness remember

i want you to carve my name into your ******* heart
i want you to grab ahold of my lungs and breathe your love into them
make sure it's the only thing i know
send it flooding through my bloodstream
i need my illness to remember

when i'm like this,
don't tell me you ******* love me
your skin is made of cellophane
i can show you exactly where the lie is coming from
my own head can't take care of me,
how could you?
tell me you'd cut off your hands if they couldn't hold mine
tell me you'd wiggle your way into my ribcage if you could
just so you could be closer to the beat of my heart
tell me you love me and make my illness believe it

you refresh me more than the start of a new year /
the ball drop doesn't excite me the way you do /
but i can't wait to kiss you into next year

you are more forgiving than valentines day /
you love and love even when i have nothing to give /
i hand you a deflating heart balloon /
and you tie the ribbon around your wrist anyway /
you kiss my cheek and
for a day, i live in shades of pink

you're quieter than the fourth of july /
but you shine four times brighter /
than any firework i can see from my backyard /
more beauty with less noise:
paradise embodied

halloween is scary /
and so are you, sometimes /
i fear how much i crave you /
and i trick-or-treat for your attention /
but you are safer than halloween /
i don't need to dress up /
(why would i want to be anyone else if i'm the one who has you?)
you unmask me /
there's no hiding, no costumes /
kids are laughing, the air is cold /
but you make me feel so warm

thanksgiving is a day i spend thanking /
whatever divine being decided you should walk into my life /
i celebrate you,
i toast to us

christmas is my favorite time of year /
my mom brings out candles that smell like pine and peppermint /
my dad strings cheap lights across our roof /
my sister and i fight over our stockings /
it's silly,
but before loving you,
i thought no human could make me feel as good /
as this holiday does /

you are my christmas tree and everything underneath it /
your eyes twinkle like lights, shine like stars /
there's a bow around my waist, and the tag on it reads,
"from me to you"
keep me, keep me, keep me


love, you are my favorite holiday /
i celebrate every time i see you smile

there's a hole inside of me /
and it's shaped like you /
it curves around your frame /
it was made for your body only

the lock in my ribcage knew --
a long time before i did --
that you were the only key /
i'm scared that once you've unlocked it /
you'll see why the handle has been dusty for so long /
and you'll shut me right back up /
board up the doors /
and leave me writhing

MY ALPHABET CONSISTS ONLY OF VOWELS /
A, E, I, O, U --
AND SOMETIMES Y.

VOWELS ARE THE MEAT OF ALL MY WORDS /
I WRITE LOVE NOTES THROUGH THE HEFTIEST LETTERS OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

A --
A IS FOR ALWAYS /
ALWAYS YOU WILL HAVE ME /
AND I WILL ADMIRE YOU /
ALWAYS

E --
E IS FOR ENOUGH /
EVERYONE MAKES ME FEEL /
EXPENDABLE /
EXCEPT FOR YOU

I --
I IS FOR I /
I DON'T DESERVE YOU /
I DON'T, EVEN IF YOU /
INSIST I DO

O --
O IS FOR ODDITY /
ON THIS PLANE WE SHOULD NOT EXIST /
OTHERWORLDLY /
OH, LOVE, WE ARE /
ON ANOTHER PLANET


U --
U IS FOR YOU /
YOU ARE THE SUN /
YOU ARE THE STARS /
UBIQUITOUS /
YOU ARE EVERYWHERE /
UNDER YOU I SHINE

SOMETIMES Y --
Y IS A VOWEL ON DAYS WHEN I AM NOT OKAY /
Y IS FOR WHY /
WHY DO YOU WANT THIS?
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
YOU, LOVE, ARE GOLDEN /
WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN ME?

YOU ARE A FORTUNE /
i sat down with a teller
i told her to read me
she saw you in my dreams
she saw you standing in the doorway of my desires
your face was in all of my cards

YOU, LIKE THE UNIVERSE /
simply happened
i stumbled across you on my way home
and realized that i was meant to be going in your direction all along
followed you like a compass
off-road, into the trees
you radiate warmth and i'm drowning in it
home

I AM NOT A CHAMPION /
you are not a prize i won fairly
(unworthy,
unworthy,
unworthy)
i don't deserve this
but god, if it isn't everything i want

I AM ONLY TOUCHED BY YOU /
MY RIBS HAVE BEEN WAITING SO LONG /
FOR SOMEONE TO PRY THEIR WAY INSIDE

MY SPINE GROWS STRONGER BY THE DAY /
I THOUGHT I FELT IT CRACKING

THESE HANDS WERE MADE TO HOLD YOURS /
THE SMALL BONES INSIDE
FUSE

MY KNEECAPS SHAKE LIKE AN ADDICT /
YOU'RE THE EARTHQUAKE IN MY LEGS

YOU TAKE THE ARMS /
I'LL TAKE THE LEGS /
THROW THIS BODY OVERBOARD /
I DIDN'T WANT IT ANYWAY