Sleep is my pain
I close my eyes
And the nightmares
Start of the memories i didn't choose to go through
The memories of being hurt
Being tortured
By the man I called daddy
So sleep is pain
That's when it all comes back
To bite me in the neck

Trying to relax
on my high-rise roof
I notice you across the street on
your balcony seemingly aloof
listening to vintage Carly Simon
          "... you say we can keep our love alive"

You stare my way and enthusiastically waive
          "Babe all I know is what I see"

I hesitate, smile and then return the gesture
          "The couples cling and claw"

As if on cue you stand and press against the railing
         "and drown in love's debris"

Still smiling as my heart beats faster
          "... we'll soar like two birds through the clouds"

"What's your name?" you playfully cry out
          "But soon you'll cage me on your shelf"

"Who wants to know?" is my surprising reply
          "I'll never learn to be just me first by myself"

Suddenly flashbacks hijack my thinking
          "... it's time we moved in together
          and raised a family of our own, you and me" 
 
Why is this happening?  Why am I sinking?
          "... that's the way I've always heard it should be
          you want to marry me, we’ll marry"

I hear your beseeching, unintelligible shouts as I retreat
Painful memories open like an oubliette under my feet—
       p
           l
              u
                  n
                      g
                          i
            ­                 n
                                 g

Lost and languishing in isolation's labyrinth





© 2020 by Mark Toney. All rights reserved.

it's about 10pm.
I kept checking the messages,
hoping you'll maybe reply me.

the music wasn’t loud enough,
my drawings aren’t detailed enough,
people aren’t texting me enough,
I’m not busy enough.

i need to drown myself in things to do,
so you will fade from my mind.
I need to forget you,
like how you’ve  forgotten me.

That song plays,
and I am taken to a place,
a time,
a corner
of my mind,
but so real.
Where the pain is physical.
A pain in my chest,
and a stomach ache.
I gasp for breath
while oxygen leaks
from the hole where my heart
ought to be.
Take me back to now please.

Walking about campus
Minding my own business,
When suddenly
A person appears in my vision
My thoughts go by rapidly
I am at an internal division;
Hide or run
Pick one

So, since I fear what may come of running,
I hide
My heart is gunning
Friend lets me hide, making comments on the side
As said person passes by
I want to cry
Flashbacks hit like a boulder
My friend touches my shoulder
Tells me said person is gone
And I was seen, hiding like the meek little fawn I am

Then in my last class
I take the restroom pass
Walk out and into the open air
For now without a care
Go around the corner
Instantly put my head down line a mourner
Face white, like a wraith
I have no faith
In myself
I want to run and hide in a shelf
Because there's that person again
That I just can't seem to escape
Almost like they're waiting...
Hopefully not for me
I put my head down
Pass them by
Silence

Once inside the safety of the restroom
I feel like there is no room
I corner myself
For a second, I put my heart on the shelf
Back against the wall
I go back to an old habit
Hiding like a rabbit
Eventually coming out
Looking about
Then returning to class

After school
The air is cool
I sit at a bench
Read something in French
Wonder what it means
Then I look to my left
Don't know when they crept
So close to me
But they left me be
4 feet away from me
Chilling me to the bone
I just want to be left alone

Eye contact
Then quickly broken
By me
Hoping they'll leave me be
Nothing is done or said
But still I am filled with dread
Unsure why
But still, I cry

They leave, walk away
Thought they left my day
I go to my sister
To carry her bag
So the walk wouldn't be a drag
Then, 4 feet away
There is that person
Talking to a friend of mine
Great, just fine
I take the bag and go
My sister goes with the flow
And we leave it all behind us
Until the next dawn.

- Jay M
February 29th, 2020

responsible for the infringement of my way of life
i crave his blood but mine will have to suffice
unable to suppress this past haunting me
i am worthless — forced to inhabit this memory
as life fails to vindicate the agony i endure
i steadily witness what was taken from me
the tranquility which was formerly pure
is never to be witnessed once more

I don’t remember much of the time
Where I was in the hospital about to die
Awake for 36 hours
But what is time?
When you’re not coherent
Everyone’s afraid you will die

Memories come in fragments
I don’t know why
I try to remember
It makes me cry
I feel like I have lost that time
I want to know what it felt like to almost die