From just a stranger I did not know.
To a friend I could learn about though.

From a friend who made me smile for days.
To a secret crush who set my heart ablaze.

From a crush I was scared to get too close.
To my partner, who loved me and it shows.

From my partner, I could see a life together.
To my future, any problems we could weather.

From my future, with plans that only grew,
Became a stranger, I completely knew.

I go to bed each night
with your face
for reference
in my frame of mind
to discern musings of how
there is no shared
connection left
between the
dreams I have
of what could have been
over what came to pass

I mull over idealized trust
while settling into a pillow,
only to realize that it was
never anything more
than a beacon of lust

Enough
is enough,
I've had it up to here
with this ******* tragedy,
three years and counting,
filling the hollow spots
with a jagged cup
only to perpetuate
the savagery
of spilling
my own blood

When will ‘enough’
become a segue
to pass through valiantly
into new heights
where credence will
alleviate symptoms
of infinitely reaching for
a reason why I can't find
an alternate reality
outside of seeing your face
when I go to bed
each night

And after all this torture,
I think I might
put others on
a pedestal so high
that enough
could never be enough,
and after drowning in
my violent noise,
it seems that
in your silence
is where I will have to find
self-love

An inkling of
something authentic
laced in Psilocybin
decides to reminisce-
she stood there once again
brown eyed and secret filled,
a testament of time
and how it can’t heal the ill

Thought I was spent,
but it’s those days of my youth
when nothing needed
to make sense
where I traced the message
as it connects:
an answer undesirable,
still honesty none the less

Hope straightens its back
as I attempt to settle the past
and grasp at the present,
assuring that ego will learn
how to just let things happen

How to ride the
unknowable wave,
and sense these gentle
reminders
that there is no escape
because we are
simply messengers
conscious for reasons
understood
only when in symbiosis
with Mother Earth

So the old addage says:
"Grief is the price we pay for love."
Never knew how true it was,
until I had to grieve my love.

three hundred and eighty days,
yet still I grieve for what we had.

I do not regret loving you.
I regret how hard I loved,
that I'm forced to continue
paying the price of love.

My heart was broken by my first love for many reasons,
yet none were sufficient enough to give me closure.
I know she will never love me again,
At least not the way she used to.
Yet despite the empty space and the vast distance between us
I cannot give up or further myself from her.
Why can I not just let her go?

The world says to me that I'd be doing us both a favor.
One last act of love. "Let her go".
Get a life, be free, be better, "Let her go".
Focus on yourself, push yourself, "Let her go".
It'll come with time, don't try so hard. Just... let her go...
Yet despite what the world will tell me,
how easy others drop and move on.
I believe it's facade, a mask covering their feelings.
Nobody but the internet knows I haven't moved on.
It's easy to put on a mask and pretend you have let her go.

But I ask of you, when the pain a year ago is still as fresh today,
how does one... actually... "Let her go"

Are u playing with me?
Because whenever i turn over and see your direction
Your already looking at me like we have some sort of connection
But if i see you in the hallway with your friends
That connection somehow ends

How do u really feel?
Do u really want something real?
I mean your texts tell me one thing
But is this just gonna be a summer fling?
Sometimes i can't even tell you really want me
Because when your with others u say “ who is she”
Like if u didnt know who i am
And i'm over here like “****”
U know it hurts
Feeling like you're dragging me in the dirt

At this point im blocking u
Im sure u would have no clue
Learning to move on is hard
Especially since u left me scarred
But i guess this is life
Even tho it feels like u stabbed me with a knife

I'm not getting revenge
I'll just sit over at our bench
Reminiscing from when i thought u actually cared
At this point i think u just got dared
But i'm over it
Were officially split
I hate how u actually did play with me

It would've been our 1 year today
But I ended it in May
I still don't understand why u lied
And when i confronted u u still denied

that u didnt do anything
What happened to giving me the “ring”
I guess this is what I get for trusting u again
Was I really that naive then?

I don’t think its fair
I thought u actually cared
And the thing is i knew
that what u promised me wasn't true
But i gave u the benefit of the doubt
And now all I wanna do is shout


I dont hate u but im still mad
I havent seen u in months and i'm glad
Because i know i would say something
What u did to me felt like a bee sting

I wish i never met u
And what i went through
I will never forget
I remember how upset
I was on May 29
But u seemed fine


I still remember the look on your face
I know the exact place
But u probably don't even remember
What happened in december
It would've been our 1 year today
But i had to end it in May