..here comes the darkness.
Seeping in every corner.
Covering me like a blanket.

I feel numb,
yet on fire within
a void.

My body &
mind slow down.
& my stomach
in my throat.

I cannot tell
what I'm feeling.
But it's lonely
& dark here.

I cry a thousand tears of pain.
I can barely breathe.

I remember what
someone once
told me.

So I take
3 deep breathes,
close my eyes,
& hold myself close.

This won't last forever.
I know I can fight this.

We've done this
dance many
times before.

I hug myself tighter
as I begin to smile.

I have Bipolar.
My Bipolar does not
have me.

I tell myself
this over & over..

I open my eyes & sigh deeply.

It's going to be okay.
We WILL heal from this.

Polar opposites – one side happy, one side not so much.
One day I’m fine, while another I barely recognize myself.

Fitting through the days is as effortless as slipping my foot
into a shoe; yet on another day I find myself searching for
that shoe, or I might even choose to walk barefoot, craving
the raw sensation to remind me how to truly feel.

It isn’t the pain – it’s the mere contemplation of it that keeps
me tethered to reality, a hopeful lost dreamer adrift in a sea
of daydreams. My skin may grow thicker, but the heart’s soft
hurt grows a bit sweeter; even as my eyes perceive life’s
flavours as harsh and bitter.

Polar opposites – the spectrum of being happy, or trying
to be happy in the skin of your own being.

when i wake
i battle with thoughts that
cloud my eyes
dewy from tears
i am utterly and totally
drenched in sadness

when i rise
i do what i can to
make a cup of coffee
let the dogs out
brush my teeth
and go to work

(clockwork)

life cycles through waves
of feeling this way and that
never quite being able to grasp
on to a specific emotion
to describe how i am feeling
like how i can wake this way
and lay my head down to sleep
feeling something close to hopeful
ready to rise again
and the thoughts no longer exist in the morning

i find myself very odd
but people don't get to hear
this side of me
mostly because they don't ask
but i don't mind

(clockwork)

i have seen terrible days
i have seen days filled with miracles
i have seen days that are bleaker than bland
but i would prefer to have the days of
feeling something than nothing at all
so i push forward
take my medication
go to my therapist
and go to church

sometimes i wonder if God knows
the inner workings of my thoughts
as well as the Devil
a baptism could never submerge
my thoughts
yet i sing on praising Him

what i do know
is whether i am up
or i am down
i am here

(clockwork)

Heavy prayers that fall on deaf ears
Day dreams that my worries all disappear.
In a dark space and I cannot see the light
At the end of a tunnel full of fears that won’t subside.

I beg and plead, “Lord, please bring me change”.
I beg and plead, “Lord, please help me through all the pain.”
But God don’t answer, and he leaves my heart wide open
I expect nothing, but ****** I was hoping…

want to reach out

want to grow the sprout

so why is the weight of the phone a block of cement in my hand?

why do i feel like every word still wouldn’t make people understand?

want them to see through my lenses
want them all to come to their senses

how do i make you care the way that i feel will keep me above ground

i didn’t go through this to be your slutty little rebound

so hold my hand and kiss my softly

although the end of the receipt is quite costly

It seems I don't know quite how to respond,
To the pain present, within and beyond,
So, my subconscious defaults to the lead,
With habitual patterns, I proceed…
Reliant on instincts and emotions,
These primal pathways take me through motions,
Now I’m acting rash, values misaligned,
Hurting loved ones in this stressed frame of mind,
All because I’m unable to pacify,
My cortex, drenched in stimuli.