Today, I woke up in so much pain.
So much pain, my heart felt disdain.
Today, I cried.
And no, I couldn't explain why.
Today, I felt so angry.
So angry, I stared blankly.
Today, I had so much energy.
I didn't know what to do with myself mentally.
Today, I was so depressed.
I could feel myself starting to transgress.
Today, I was full of anxiety.
Feeling exposed to my impropriety.
Today, I just didn't seem like me.
Usually, I walk around careless and free.
But today, isn't one of those days.
It feels as though I'm in a haze.
And I'll never be able to explain to why.
Some days, I just want to cry.
And this will continue the rest of my life.
But I will survive.
I will fight.

I looked down and thought about how I was made of paper
About how I fold and bend to the will of my maker
About how easy it is for me to be thrown away
About how I will burn and perish someday

It is in writing these words that we keep from falling apart
And maybe by imagining what good fortune the world has to offer
We convince ourselves we can make then real

But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so pale and defenseless that I couldn’t do it. What I wanted to **** wasn’t on that innocent skin or in that terrified pulse fighting against my blade. What I wanted to **** was somewhere else deeper, somewhere else quieter, and somewhere impossible to reach.

Only in shallow
Do I see the sky
As nothing more
Then way too bright.

Only in shallow
Thomas asks
To see my wrists
And the checkerboard of burns

Only in shallow
I'll take apart my head
And let the ghosts slip through the cracks
And drag me down with them

And when I get to the deep
Oh  hell, I'm nowhere now.

People look to me to solve their problems
Fix their lives, make everything okay
But what if I myself am a puzzle
An unsolvable equation
Then who gets to fix me?

My head is not right today.
I have no idea why it's this way.

It switches from one thought to another.
I feel like I am being smothered.

I can't finish just one thought.
In a group is where they are brought.

I'm under so much stress.
There are things I should confess.

Some people say I am so strong,
But in reality, they couldn't be more wrong.

The outer part of me puts on that smile
While the inner me has been dying for a while.

I hate this part of my disease.
It literally brings me to my knees.

From a great mood to nasty as hell.
Which it's gonna be, I can never tell.

Most of the days I can push through.
Today I don't know what to do.

It comes with no known trigger.
It's not going away; it's only getting bigger.

Bigger, louder, and extremely strong.
I wish I knew what was wrong.

I want to cry, but I don't know what for.
I hate this disease; I don't want it anymore.

I get these terrible pains in my chest.
Feels like the Lord is gonna lay me to my final rest.

Will these feelings only last for today?
'Cause it feels like they will never go away.

In reality it will not.
A life sentence is what I got.

I could be flying high in the fluffiest cloud.
Then, bam, I crash onto the ground.

I wonder if people truely understand
What really goes on in my land.

How could they when even I don't?
How could they when they simply won't?

This not only takes a toll on me,
But it affects my friends and family,

Especially those days I cannot hide
The deep dark depression I feel inside.

Some days I'm just not strong enough.
Some days are just too tough.

But most of the days I seem to manage
To get through them without serious damage.

Well at least to others
Is what I mutter

Things aren't usually this bad,
But you won't know which I have had

'Cause that is what we do.
We pretty it up for you.

I can't keep that clear thought in my head.
I'm done with this crap; I am going to bed

As kinetic chaos surges,
Each atom flings outward,
From my marrow’s middle,
Toward the gates of my skin.

The brittle shell
holding me together
Threatens to burst,
While the entropy
pinging down my limbs
commands me into motion.

Boiling toward a peak within,
the cigarette clenched in hand
Becomes my means to bleed it.