amplify my struggles
i'm your personal sound system
i'll play my whining on repeat
i'm a broken ****** record

staring at the ceiling fan
stirring up my existence
lately i’ve been dozing off bitter Jim whiskey

reminds me of my time in UK
it smells like my cramped dorm room
with fairy lights on the window
and blood on the white plastic of my trash bin

redbrick home, but it’s cold under the covers
and the sheets are stained
with the smell of coconut oil in your hair

you hold me in your arms sometimes
when you feel like it
i pretend the other days don't exist
so i only recite the good ones to myself

i'm on a loop
repeating the same 16 beats over and over again
until the end of this ******* party

one city after another
they're all exactly the same
just differently arranged letters, same corner stores
different colored clothing, same people

i'm the same everywhere
a puzzle piece from a box
that probably doesn't even exist

bubbles in my ***
i'm squirting sparkling water
jug it down like we're at a teenage party

they call me a paris fountain
throw your lucky pennies
i can be your wishing well

how could u tell you dont like me that way
i'll make your life a treacherous hell

do you even know me
does it ring a bell
****** with my success cuz
you're a wreck who will never make it til the end

you slide into my dms and disappear the next day
you say u a producer?
maker of disaster maybe

you change your mind like bpms
baby im gonna make your words pay

shifting between polar bears
man i’m ******* bipolar
i hate you i love you, hell knows
should i have let you walk?

we were a **** show
brutally perfect kind of picture
hung on my toilet bowl
looking at you
as i puke up the xan bars of last night's party
while you lit up ur blunt

sending u my nudes
while writing love letters
we’re having a rad time
until we a mess

corruption
******* the pain away in our basement
i'm hurting i'm screaming onto the highroad
pulled up my skirt on the curb like a side ***
pick me up pick me up again
car lights flashing

i’ll be your own girl
I’ll do you right doe
while you flying in from LA
crashing your cute face
******* wrecking it against the ground boy

I dive headfirst into the depths of the nightsky
I glide along the outlines the stars have aligned around me
and bathe in the glimmer of light of the moon

I’m so empowered
so full of love
like I belong here
like I was actually born into this space

as planets have collided speckles of energy to give birth to itselves
so have I built myself up from nothing but atoms

I am energy
I am love
I am nothing but particles in collision slow dancing at a high school party
holding each other shyly but eagerly not wanting to ever open their eyes and let go

I breathe in the salt from the nape of your neck and I know it’s real
for the first time in infinities
I feel I can align the skies
move oceans and place mountains aside to create my own personal haven

and I am so grateful for the push into the nightsky
I never realized you’d aspired

I yearn for your lips spreading kisses
across the horizon that is my body
as if lately they haven’t cut like sharp razors
over my shaking wrists
I keep sitting down on to the broken chair
pretending you’re holding it up
but only when you have the power
when I look into your eyes
I feel in control
but only when I pin you down across my bloodstained sheets
like a thread in my embroidery kit
stitch by stitch
I try to pinpoint myself in your universe
but there is no fabric
nowhere to stitch upon
so again I cut it open bleeding out the poison
that endangers me to extinction
I close my eyes to the moonlit room
just to let you pour in again tomorrow

I am spat out of your mouth
I have lost count of numbers
picked off the ground chewed up
and spat out
I'm a tasteless chewing gum
stretched to its extent
my self-worth has been swallowed up
mixed with your toxic saliva
taken away from me, stolen
leaving a vessel hanging on the edge
building block corners appeal to me
I need to feel something
will the ground smashing tears back into my eyes
provide me shelter?
will it warm me?
or leave me as shattered
stuck to the asphalt guiding your feet forwards
shuffling over me
like I don’t exist

trying to drown myself in a glass full of whiskey
pouring my misery out in the world
as I exhale the taste of alcohol
it burns down my throat
lighting a spark in my stomach
I feel relaxed
at last
but I know this won’t last
I drown myself in substance
I lose myself in space
staring at a naked wall
bruised up my body punching itself
against the naked wall
soon it will end
I'm tired
I'm sorry