I’ve always found it incredibly strange how a group of people at some point in time came up with a plethora of words used to communicate exact thoughts and statements between people yet most of the time I choose not to use them
what I really want to say is always left unsaid
everything I feel, every way I feel about you is left drifting through the air, never to be touched by another human being
and you’ll never know
I’ll never know so many things because I’m too afraid to say them
but maybe no matter what I say
there will always be something unspoken between us
so I’ll just let you know some other time

don't tell me I'm loved
because all you've ever known about me is what I allow you to know, you're assuming people love me because you can't comprehend the fact that a person could very we'll be unloved since you yourself have only known the state of adoration and enamoredness
don't call me pretty
because you have never dwelled within this rib cage, your home isn't in my heart, and you still haven't gone for a walk through my mind you have never even stared into the depths of my eyes for longer than a tenth of a second
it isn't pretty in there
so it isn't pretty out here
don't call me anything
for that matter

my whole life I've been awaiting one special moment to dramatically shift everything and anything to permanently good
I await for summer, hoping the glum months of December and January glide as fast as possible into the cheerful months of June and July
but as quick as the months stroll by, and the warm months finally arrive, nothing's changed and unfortunately I'm still as unhappy as before
I await for adulthood, thinking I must feel this way since teenage years were never really meant to be a great time in anyone's life
but adulthood will come and I'll be the same lost teenager except folded up inside some lost adult's scathed body
and I'm still waiting
because all I've ever been told is how it always gets better
and how the longer i wait, the closer i am to something i would've missed out on if i hadn't waited
but it's been so painfully long that I don't believe I'm missing out on much anymore
so please just tell me
I'm closer than I think

I think sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to live in this world, in this body, standing on these two specific feet, completely aware of what i am and what I used to be
I think it's hard, because we all try so hard to be significant, to escape oblivion, to overcome and win the obstacle of life
we try to live as much as we can, while sometimes along the way getting tangled in time, so knotted up that we have to cut the ends off just to get ourselves back in line
we try to love as hard as we can, sometimes disregarding the wall we've built up around our bodies, forgetting others can't come in if we don't allow them to
we search for life's true meaning, and become impervious to the fact that we do in fact all cease to exist at one point, as we look for the bigger purpose we serve
and I think once we come to the realization that this all could be for nothing, the love we give will eventually be lost, the times we had, disintegrated into thin air, floating around as particles of dust, once we come to the reality that nothing will ever truly make sense, maybe then it will become easier
maybe when life is seen more as a gift, rather than a timer counting down to our final days, that's when it will all make sense
as even when our bodies no longer exist, it's important to remember our souls carry on forever, the essence of our footprints lye on the ground for eternity, and even when the earth eventually comes to an end, the collaboration of all souls will shine bright, leaving behind nothing but hope, and beautiful memories for what once was

I was a caterpillar ,
before I became a butterfly .
The pain I had to endure in order to transform into the beauty I am today .
This is my tale .

In the forest there was,
My cocoon wrapped in the finest silk,
With a power to live in a colorful world.
To dream and conquer goals.
A Vivacious soul spinning in the purest silk
Growing and maturing as I spun.
Wishing for freedom with my beautiful wings,
Counting the days to be free and soar
as a lively butterfly
until
You winded into my community
Lured my queen and her uneven monarch.
Tempted to sabotage my purity.
For that you,
Lured yourself into my vulernable cocoon
with that trust,
you decided to disrupt my process.
How can one man ruin my nesting site?
And I had faith in you ,
to be a figure
I never had.
I wanted.
My heart ached for it.
I needed it.
To be loved .
To be nurtured.
To never be like those stray dogs
looking for a home.
This was the moment .
Where....
Innocence stripped, heart captured.
My Freedom gone.
You were naive to comprehend
On what you were doing...
You would stab my cocoon
with your sickening poison .
Over and over you stabbed .
Ruptured the veins of my innocence .
To break my finest silk .
Purity banished.
Stabbing your poison was
Making my cocoon
useless ,
worthless ,
unwanted,
colorless,
I tried to run and I tried to scream
but I was devoured by this poison
It was the love I deserve.
Couldn't escape , numb to the pain
For every poison injected, I began to
Question God?
Where was he ?
when I shed out a tear of help.
Where was he?
when my cocoon was destroyed.
Was I loved God?
when I muffled help in your name.
I hated myself ,
I stay in my cocoon
afraid to see my future.
I wasn't going to be a beautiful butterfly
Battered Butterfly
My life seemed to be colorless
No one wants a battered butterfly
My life....
It seemed it had ended
when poison sunk onto my helpless body .
No one wants a battered butterfly
Imprisoned to these chains.
Being poisoned every night by different
Predators.
Oh God....
Those predators ...
Battered lifeless little butterfly
Was I ever loved in my nesting site?
But then again nobody loves a battered butterfly
How can I reach to heaven when
I was worthless.
Believed I was a vile *****.
Tricked into a poison of hell.
Battered Ugly Butterfly
***** Little butterfly.
There was no light in tunnel
There was no holes in my silk
To escape this poisonous nest.
Why?
Because I believe nobody wants save a battered butterfly
How can the man I trusted ruined me.
I thought you could be the one to complete my lovely monarch .
To complete the missing piece.
But you continued to misuse me.
To haunt me.
To barricade my heart
To own my soul
But one thing I can truly say
You never once won over me.
You never imprinted my change.
I endured your pain
That was a sign of God
To show me what strength I am capable of.
That was the light that I found,
You had no control to inflict pain anymore.
Because I became impervious to your pain.


I am a beautiful butterfly
reigning over my monarch
with no thought of you.
**That is my freedom

"I love you"
the words came out of your mouth so very effortlessly like water trickling down a window during a storm and I wondered if you've said those words a million times before
I was questioning if you just said them because you felt you had to or if you really truly meant them because we all know you were never good at expressing the way you feel
and if you really did mean it then why do you look at me as if I'm two thousand miles away when I'm standing inches from you and why do you stutter every time you try to formulate sentences on your thoughts of me
I know it's been a while but I still wonder if you feel anything and i wonder if you wonder
I thought you loved me but you never looked at me the way you look at her
"I love you"
you said to her, so very effortlessly like water trickling down a window during a storm

as a kid there were so many things I perceived as dangerous, like getting into cars with strangers or stepping over railroad tracks while the train was approaching
I used to think danger meant my life was being threatened or I was potentially going to be hurt physically, but as a kid I never ever Wouldve thought danger could be looking into someone's eyes and simultaneously feeling my heart beat twelve times faster than usual
Your very presence is dangerous to me
the freckles across your pale skin spell Stop And your tattoos look a lot like caution signs
the first time I met you was like one big red flag shouting at me to turn around and walk away
danger isn't just keeping the door unlocked at night or stepping on a thumb tack, danger is looking at them and knowing you're going to get hurt but refusing to walk away
danger is falsely believing so intensely that they love you, too
when they make it so blatantly obvious
that they don't