no longer have I been uncomfortable with blending into the monotony of society as I've become substantially content in the concept of simply blending in, because when you're unattached and invisible in a world where things seem to matter so much, everything doesn't seem to matter, at all
if I am no longer noticeable I save so much time from being noticed by insignificant potential lovers that claim to be infatuated with my every attribute and characteristic, and it saves myself from believing those lies that set me on a useless love quest
in reality, does anything really matter?
why do I have to feel such strong emotions that I never wanted to feel in the first place?
what is so wrong with wanting to put a stop to all nonsense ringing in my head by just simply disconnecting?
however much I would like to be able to have the willpower to actually detach myself from those around me, I cannot.
oh how I'd love to be able to just simply forget you
but I can't, because you're everywhere
and I'm nowhere

the truth is I don't find comfort in looking into your eyes and not feeling weak in the knees, it feels so good to finally feel something other than pain and regret. although my mind and my heart may be in a constant quarrel between " I can't love you" and "I can't not love you" i believe that loving you is inevitable. it can't possibly be my fault that your chocolatey eyes pierce my soul and there's no way I can help the fact that your happiness alone is enough to make my day. maybe this is just my role in society to play, maybe right now I just happen to be the girl who loved a little too much, and im not sure that I know exactly what that means for me or how it will devolve, but there's one thing I am sure of. I am sure that your ghost will live within the depths of my heart for a long time. maybe one day I will be more than just the girl who loves too much, maybe I'll be the girl who was loved just a little too much, by you.

why does nothing work out in the end my life continues to crumble as time goes on and i can’t seem to get it together again
i can feel it bubbling inside me ready to explode, but it never does it just accumulates more and more but who knows maybe one day it will explode and i don’t know how or when all i know is i hope when it does i will finally be set free in some way and i hope the pain will be demolished along the way because honestly i can’t take it anymore, it’s deafening, it keeps me up all night, it makes me want to retreat from the world, and oh god i think i’m starting to.
i need someone but no one needs me, i think i’m lonely but i just don’t really know what i am anymore

this is not about you
and I am done writing about you because all you really ever were was 3,000 almosts that never meant anything in the end
I'm not writing about how much I love you anymore but about how much I absolutely loathe your menacing brown eyes that glitter and gleam with fire
I'm not writing about how beautiful you are but how terribly rotten you are
to the very core
I'm not writing anything about you anymore at all because that is exactly what you want from me
I feed your ego
you never loved me
you just loved the
attention
and this is not about you.

It terrifies me that we only get a limited amount of time with people. And that some people get more time than others who should have. I’m forever envious of those who’ve gotten more time with you than I have. That I may never get to be with you as long as they have. That our time is running out. And I miss you already. And I never want to say goodbye. At first it was slow, late nights in your car and afternoons in my bedroom. But now it feels like it’s happening all at once, like you’re doing a snow angel on my heart and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. Kissing on the sidewalk, holding hands in your coat pocket because I forgot to bring gloves. Wandering around museums and having hard conversations on your couch that make me love you even more; even when the air becomes glass, I can’t stop thinking about how lucky I feel to know you. That there’s no one else like you. My heart aches in your arms and aches when we’re apart. And I just want to be as close to you as possible, for as long as possible, because you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, and I love who I am when I’m with you.