I wear this face like armor
Painting it with the blood, sweat, and tears
Of those who dare to come after me
These colors are not a mating call
But a warning
They distract
They scream
"My touch is toxic"
"My taste is like poison"
I am not the beautiful flower
I am the stinging bee
This war paint is not for you
It is for me

I feel a wave of panic wash over me
As another unwanted hand grabs me out of the music and loud noise
I take a breath and push it down as I let the bliss take me again
Finding myself pressed up against the boy I had met just that night
I feel his hands slide across my waist
And I know that I will soon regret this
But I ignore these feelings as I let the bliss wash over me yet again
Taking advantage of the allusive peace I feel
Even if only for a few hours more

His lips brush against my neck
I close my eyes and savor the feeling of his warmth
Soft lips find mine in the dark
People stare
But I am lost in the calm
Their judgement cannot reach me
Under this wall I have built
Even if for only a few hours more

He grabs my hand leading me away
I am suddenly reminded of myself
As my feet plant firmly to the ground
My head swirls with thoughts
But they are soon quieted
As I bring his body again closer to mine
Even if only for a few hours more

As I walk down the dark street
I brush the bruise on my neck
My hair falls over my neck
To hide the secrets of tonight
Even if only for a few hours more

My eyes open to the light
My head swirling with thoughts
No bliss to silence them
I let their judgement take over me
As I swallow the cure
For another night of peace

Hunched shoulders
Puffy eyes
Smeared ink
Comfort lies

Starting over
Back again
Going under
Losing friends

Lonely nights
Harder days
Popping pills
Easing pain

Messy room
Heavy sighs
Cluttered space
Muffled cries

Pretty smiles
Hiding pain
White lies
Everyday

Cure me
Hurried energy
Churn inside
Exploding through flying limbs
Arching back

Turn me around
And around
And around

Stop

Soft fingertips
Caressing the air
Silk against my skin
Wrap me in comfort
Catch me
Safety net

Anxious thoughts
You cannot reach me
I am empty
Music fills my gaping soul

Every nerve
Connected
Intertwined
Stretching to each distal end
Drawing thoughts
Swirling through each wire
Conducting electric currents
Bursting out with each
Articulated
Isolated
Movement

These thoughts lay dead on the floor

Collapsing
Gasping
Sweating
I have won

I am alive

Too many masks
Not enough faces
Every occasion demands a different appearance
Every person a different approach

I am only pieces of other people
Reflections of who they wanted me to be
Shattered glass and fractured images
Carefully assembled to remsemble myself

For every piece from someone else
I lose a piece of me
I lose the memory of who I was
Until I am no longer whole

I have become so many versions of myself
I no longer know what is real
Underneath these broken layers
Is a depth nothing will ever fill

Without someone to impress
To belong with
To care for
I am nothing

I am nothing like myself
I am not myself
I am not anyone
I am nothing

I was a little fish from a big lake
Floundering out in the ocean

You were a big fish in a little pond
Confident you could conquer the sea

You threw out your line
And brought me in
So distracted by the bait
I ignored the hook in my side

Swallowed by your school of friends
I was just one of many
The light reflecting off of you
Blinded me from the shark following

Everything you needed I gave instantly
Your attention was all that it took
I thought your approval would boost me up
But when you are hiding in the shadow
It doesn’t matter how close you get to the light

You tore me apart and threw me out
Just bait to lure another in
Now I watch from the bottom
As you dive straight off the edge
Of your shallow reef

If only you knew how to swim