Can’t sleep
but will eat
the fondest memories of you
when the pillows peak through

I'm at war with myself.
My confidence caught in between
a battlefield of destructive choices,
defeating words and deafening voices,
that strike me down constantly.
I'm over taken by armed anxieties,
their vocalities violently shattering
any chance I've had at victory.
My white flag falling at my feet,
as I hear them scream,
"You'll never be good enough!"

The outside cats
Trust me now,
Every time I
Come out they
Meow and talk
To me, ask me
For food,
Maybe the
Others that
Also care for
Them haven’t been
Feeding them lately,
I run inside fast,
So the cigarette
In my mouth
Doesn’t stink up
The place, I open
A pack of wet food,
I put it down in
The little corner that
I always do,
And I crawl my way
Back to my seat and
Watch them enjoy their
Feast.

As I stand
in the rain,
droplets
of water
play and
roll down
my fingers
and into
the ground,
I feel like
A stray cat,
A runt
Abandoned
By his mother,
Or like a fish
In less water,
I flop on the
Concrete
And catch
My breath
In between
Droplets.

i never used to smoke
but since you left,
it’s the only time i can seem to breathe

you burn me.

and it isn’t anyone’s
fault but mine.

i gave you the match
in the first place.

I believe
deep down
I am a bad person

It just so happens to be
that the mask
I am wearing
has a good face
and seems to be covering up
my true bad self
somewhat well

Yet,
if I don't take care and watch out
it might crack
and
blow my cover

i know what my problem is,
what my problem has always been.
i hate myself
in every way possible.

i hate the way i look
but thats just the surface.
i hate the way i think
and feel the most.

my mind twists everything
into an unrecognizable image
and tells me that this is the way
things are and have to be.

and i feel with such despair
that my heart renders
my mind useless
in the face of fear.

i can't talk myself
out of a panic
because my heart is so loud
that reason is lost in the sound.

so i hide my heart
and my mind
and i do what i can
about the way i look.

but it's not as easy
when my heart
and mind demand to be heard
when my composure
wears off at night.

then i turn into
the pathetic disaster
i've always been.
the mess of a person
that i've kept hidden.

and believe me,
i want to change.
because i know
that asking someone to love me
the way i am
is far too great a task.

who could look at a person
that screams curses
at the mirror with such relentless
sadness and hate
and decide to love them?
well i was hoping you could.

i don't know if that's
too much to ask,
for someone so beautiful
to love such a mess.

am i way
out of line
to wish that you
would hold me and tell me
that everything is fine?

should i leave such desires
for daydreams and poetry?
because my stupid heart
wants me to beg you
to stay and love me.