but it was too messy to call it making love

my hair got in his mouth
his hips were too low
my legs got in the way
the angles just weren't right
it took us a few tries
to just "get it in"

there weren't roses or candles
i was in a white bra and *******
there was no black lingerie
i had shaved my legs in the morning
but i still had stubble in the places i missed
he wasn't tall dark and handsome
i wasn't white skinny and ****

we didn't know what we were doing
and if we could see ourselves
i'm sure we'd have died of embarrassment
seeing the mess of arms and legs
and body parts in awkward positions

but maybe that was the whole point
we laughed
and we laughed
he had a lopsided smile
and he smelt like home
his touch was comfortable
and his mouth lit a fire inside me
those eyes were full of greed
for not my body, but for me
it wasn't "him" and "me"
we were a we
and together we went through the journey
of discovery
finding out how our bodies work
when they are with another
finding out which curve fits where
learning where to put my hands
when he climbed up on my hips
learning how his body responded
when mine arched in pain and pleasure

his exhausted body
holding on to mine for dear life
no one mentions the sweat in your eyes
or that urgent need to ***
no one tells you that maybe you won't bleed
and maybe your favorite song won't be in the background
and maybe you don't walk out a woman, no longer a girl
no one tells you that *** isn't this magical thing that stops your whole world

but they leave out the good bits too
there's so much they don't tell you
like how, when it's over, he whispers *i love you
how his gaze drops when he says you're beautiful
how you can climb out of bed without pants and laugh
how he'll touch you in places you thought were sacred
how his touch will be worshipping the places you know are sacred
how *** doesn't change who you are
but at the same time:
it does.
your body will always have his touch;
but that's okay.
because you want it to stay
maybe he was a moment
or maybe he is forever
but when you were together
you loved him and that's what mattered
safe & comfortable
passionate & loud

it took me a long while to be able to write this
because it was too messy to call it making love
but maybe that's the whole point
because love is messy
and making it, even more so
but its a mess you don't have to clean
(except the bedsheets)
maybe, just maybe
it was messy enough
to call it making love.

You've lost it
I did too
Like a candle it fades
When winter is do
When you are cold
When I get lost
When we are alone,
I'll pay the cost
You tell me forget it
My heart still regrets it
Tell me I haven't lost it!
That beauty in me?
Not what they see,
But more--
Just below my fake smile
You are not a person
But I have lost you
You tell me, "I'm still here."
But that's only part of you
You are gone
What are you?
Who are you?
I feel your presence
Disappearing in me

When I was
seven years old
I crept down our stairs
in the dark
it was just about midnight
on Christmas Eve
and I
wanted to catch Santa Claus
as he put presents
under our tree

When I was
fifteen years old
I laid on his bed
in the dark
it was in the evening
during the summer
and I
nervously waited for him
to shove his *****
inside of me

I hid
near the fireplace
anxiously awaiting an arrival
hands clenched into tight fists
giddy with anticipation
waiting in the dark

I spread
open my legs
feeling pressured and defeated
the TV blared so that
his mom wouldn't hear
my hands clenched into tight fists
I didn't want to touch him
but I
waited in the dark

I didn't see Santa Claus
instead
it was my parents
shoveling presents under
our tree
my verbal exclamation of shock
and betrayal
led to them disciplining me
for sneaking around
in the dark

I didn't look at him
instead
my eyes wandered around
his room
gazing at the guitars and
posters and
the closet and
even the TV
he ******* and
left me there, cold
in the dark

At school,
I told all of my friends
that Santa Claus wasn't real
I wanted everyone to know
the counselor pulled me aside
and said that it wasn't fair
for me to take this
from the other kids
it wasn't right
it wasn't my place
"Let them stay innocent
a little while longer."

I didn't want anyone to know
when I lost
my virginity
tears bubbling at my waterline,
I looked at myself
in disgust
It wasn't fair.
It wasn't right.
It wasn't his place.
Except there was no counselor
for me to speak to
only the sound
of water droplets
falling
as I cried in the shower

I thought that
I lost my innocence
when I found out
that Santa Claus wasn't
real.

But
this IS real
and hurts
so
much
more.

Dumb boys and naive girls,
That’s all we are when you’re young,
Easy to shape, willing to learn,
The taste of them on your tongue.
It isn’t love, not just yet,
But we will claim it is till it dies,
Biting lips, curious hands,
Deceiving the world with our lies.
Here to impress, that’s all it is,
For love or to feel mature,
But when its done, all we have,
Is that feeling of being impure.
We will live, and we will learn,
We’ll walk of into the night,
But sick to our stomachs, and very alone,
I guess what mom told us was right.

I won't bleed
So don't worry about me;
I won't bleed
So it's fine if you hurt me

I won't feel
When you leave me
I won't see
The treacheries you'll be giving me

So let me rot
In my pedestal
Let them do what they want to me, it's fine
I don't bleed

I won't bleed
No point worrying about me;
I won't bleed
So hurt me

I won't bleed
My blood won't come gushing out
On the wounds and scars
You made for me

I won't bleed
So do as you please
I won't bleed
I'm already dead

Pointed in the right direction
direction is toward my reflection
reflection of my lost connection
connection to a large collection
collection of misplaced affection
affection towards my own selection
selection of my self rejection
rejection leads to infection
infection of a lesser perfection
perfection based on inspection
inspection and easy detection
detection leads to objection
objection to the cross section
section of my imperfection

stuck in this hole
this mire
this rut
nothing to look at
cant see
eyes shut

living on this line
this edge
this knife
wonder in the reason
this time
this life

thinking of the end
this curse
this dream
i argue with wonder
this wish
this scream

taking my last breath
this air
this friend
i embrace my own death
this beginning
this end

Think of me as an elephant
you cant push me
see me as a turtle
you cant rush me

a portuguese man-of-war
you cant hold me
like a newborn child
you cant scold me

like an eagle soaring
you cant own me
just like a dinosaur
you cant clone me

like a wild stallion
you cant ride me
just like a peacock
you cant hide me

i am like a wolf
you cant pet me
just like a cheetah
you cant get me

like a wild tiger
you cant face me
i am the truth
you cant embrace me