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skyyy Feb 2014
In psychology there's this theory
That when you get angry or sad
Your attitude and the way you react goes back
To the age when the first bad thing
Happened to you
Whether it be when you were 7 you saw your
Parents fight for the first time.
Screaming profanities into each others
Faces. Vases breaking,  t.v. cracking
From the lamp your father threw
Aiming at your mother
And in that moment you realized
That life is not always going to
Be chasing butterflies
And searching for the end of the rainbow
Or maybe when you were 9 you
Accidentally walked in on your
Big sister with a needle in her
Arm and as she jumped up quickly
Yelled "get the **** out" your
Curiosity got you to wonder what she
Was doing and when you asked your
Teacher at school the next day
she explained what drugs do
And you realized that you do not
Need a gun to **** yourself

When you were 10 and your parents separated you knew that love
Was not forever

When you were 10 and your mom
Was diagnosed with cancer
You realized that sickness was not
The common cold
And pain was not a scrape on the knee

When you were 8 and you saw a man
Get shot and killed down the street
From where you felt safe
You realized that in our world
a baggy of *******
Is more valuable than someone's life

When you were 5 and daddy hit you for the first time
And you realized love is not real
Unless pain is involved

All of these things are defining factors in our livesn affecting how we treat others
Affecting how we treat ourselves

when I heard this
Theory I tried to remember
How old I was when I first felt pain
In one way or another and
It took me a long time to realize
That my memory wont let me go back to
The first time it happened
In my footie pajamas
Toddler age when you took me into the bedroom and showed me how people
Love each other
Except I do not remember love nor affection
I feel humiliation and disgusted

Its funny that when I'm sad
I just put a smile
On my face so I do not have to
Repeatedly assure anyone I am okay
I pretend to be okay
Because that is all I know
How to do

Its funny that when I get angry
I will stop fighting
And eventually just nod and say okay

In psychology there's this theory
That when you get angry or sad
Your attitude and the way you react
Goes back to the age when the first bad thing happened to you
Its called regression. The third out of nine defense mechanisms
And the one that seems most relevant
In my life
skyyy Aug 2015
I had this fantasy of sleeping with my boss

you were close enough

I miss sneaking around with you

I wonder if you think of me

I'm afraid to see you again
skyyy May 2014
Dear brother,
One day I will hand you this poem
and let it speak to you like
a letter that you've been expecting.
But it will not stop you from
cringing as each word becomes the next
and you start to really feel
what you've done to me.

Dear brother,
Sometimes I have nightmares
that your hands are pressed against
my bare skin again
and I wake up soaking in my sweat
and my cheeks soggy with tears.

Dear brother,
When I confronted you,
you only apologized if it was followed by
an excuse.
And when you told me it wasn't your fault
I wanted to puke.

Dear brother,
I was given two options.
He said I can take this to my grave
or I can get the closure I deserve.

Dear brother,
I told mom last week because
I couldn't let what you did to me
devour who I want to become.
And keeping this buried
for the rest of my life
will do neither of us any good.
She wiped away my tears and kissed my cheek.
I know your automatic reply
will be "Why are you doing this to me?"

Dear brother,
You are the one that did it to yourself.
I did not make you hurt me,
I did not make you lie to me.
I did not make you put your hands
on me and tell me it's okay.

Dear brother,
Maybe one day
this will be in the past.
Maybe one day I will be able
to live for the first time.
Maybe one day I will
not hear the word "big brother"
and want to cry.
But the only way that will ever happen
Is if you start dealing with the consequences.
I am giving you back your burden.
It never belonged to me anyways.

Dear brother,
I'm sorry
but this is no longer about
you.
skyyy Oct 2017
Whiskey  coated our mouths
The first time we kissed
She devoured me,
Ate away my insides and
Replaced them with you.

Sand from the beach
Became suffocated between
Our hands the first time they touched

The ocean played me a symphony
When you brought me to her.
Every time a wave crashed
Against my body,
You pulled me closed

As our bodies became one,
The moon whispered secrets to me
While your eyes were closed

But the sun
Was bright in the morning.
She waited for me
Outside of the hotel room.
She lit my cigarette
And I felt her inside of my lungs

If I still had my insides
They would crawl out of me
Through my heart
And they would wrap around
My throat as the sun and the moon
Rocked me in their arms until
I could no longer breath
skyyy Aug 2014
I can still remember that one night
we laid on the side walk as it rained.
I remember how my heart started beating
really fast when you scooted closer and our arms touched.
I remember how your lips were chapped and your mouth
was dry.
I remember the way you hugged me that night
and how happy we were at that party.
We sat in the corner, arm to arm and talked
as if no one else was there.
I remember showing you Hurt by nine inch nails
and how you told me you liked
Johnny Cash's cover better.
I remember the passion in your eyes when you were explaining why.
I remember the nervous laugh followed by a "sorry" and the crooked
smile that all went together
as if it were some sort of recipe
to make my heart speed up.
I remember the song you used to tell me
you'd sing to me
and I remember playing it in your friends garage
and I remember you smiling at me
as if you were saying "this is ours"

And I'll always remember the first time you kissed me
because your mouth was dry
and your lips were chapped
and it was 3 in the morning
and you were walking me home
and I was shivering because it was winter.
You stopped walking and grabbed my arm
I remember how I swung around to face you
and how it was like the movies.
or how the only thing to light up your
face was the orange streetlights.
I remember how once we kissed I couldn't breathe.
I thought I was being choked.
you took my breath away.

I remember how I dated a few people after you
I remember their lips being really soft
and their mouths were never dry.
I remember comparing them to you
and not knowing why.
Because I'm definitely over you.
I remember that you told me,
no matter what,
I'd always have a piece of your heart.
I think you're a really good liar.
I hear people talk about you and
I want to join the conversation and
tell them stories about the funny stuff we did
but then I remember that I was a secret.
We were a secret.
I guess it'd be dumb to tell people now.
So when people ask,
I pretend like I don't know what it
feels like to have loved and lost.
skyyy Nov 2014
My whole body breaks out in goose bumps
When I clench my jaw,
Starting to remember your
Hands on either side of my face,
Gracefully pulling my hair away
From my eyes,
Because you loved to see me.
And when I think about how
Much I love you I feel a pit
Growing in stomach and
It feels like I’ve gotten the wind
Knocked out of me.
I wish I would have kissed you
On the forehead more
While I had the
Chance
skyyy Sep 2013
8/25/13
You meet someone.
Someone special.
You let yourself love them
Like its a choice
It hurts
The most amazing, addictive hurt
EVER.
Look at her
Her smile. Its the worst in the best way
Fuels your body for miles
Takes you places
You can never imagine going
And never will again
Okay. Take a break. Relax.
Pretend.
For a second you didn't meet her that day
You didn't spot her from across the room
And want to faint.
She was sipping wine.
Red, almost black.
Your favorite kind.
And you could tell that
There was something about her.
Intense about her
You want her intense.
You want to wrap your arms around it
And take it so she doesn't have to hold on to it anymore
But you did meet her
And even though you were afraid,
You gathered up all of your strenth,
You walked over to her.
She felt the same,
Petrified.
She stuck her hand out
Waiting for a friendly shake,
But you're palms are sweaty.
You stare into her eyes
Almost vacant
She shifts her hand
Almost as if her hand is telling you
She's waiting
"Okay" you think
Tracing your eyes up and down her body
You shake her hand
Her palms are sweaty too
Releif vibrated through your body.
It tingles.
Or was that two souls finding each other after being lost for a lifetime.
If you believe in that.
I do.
You're love progresses into something
Unimaginable.
It hurts again.
The best kind of hurt, that is.
You know you'll spend the rest of your life with her.
Its love, its real, its hard, its true.
But what if you don't?
She was texting you.
Walking over with flowers and red wine, almost black, your favorite kind.
She didn't hear the car
Maybe she was overwheled by the thoughts,
The sound
Of your voice.
70 in a 35 zone.
She had the right of way
But he couldn't stop
And she couldn't think
Because its the love that hurts in the most amazing way
Dead
Dead on arival.
Gone
Gone forever
If you believe in that.
I've always believed in true love.
One love
Growing old together
Living forever and ever
in eachothers eyes.
Once you experience that kind of love, the kind that hurts,
Nothing adds up to it
Nothing comes close.
You were 17.
You have to spend the rest of your life
Thinking about that red, red wine
Which you can no longer drink.
Not even with your wife.
The one you say you love.
But you can't.
And every night,
Everynight,
Every single ******* night
You fall asleep to the thought of her voice
While shes sipping on wine.
Red, Almost black,
Used to be your favorite kind.
skyyy Dec 2013
When I first saw you
I couldn't help but to tell you
That I thought you were cute.
I turned around in my chair in class
Abd apologized in advance
"You're really attractive"
Looking at me and laughing slightly
You thanked me and told me I was too.

When I first talked to you,
I felt this desire to actually listen.
To carefully hear each word roll through your sentence
Disect each ****** remark you made
And piece it all together at the end.
You'd say things like
"you're such a good listener"
And I'd think things like
"Oh god I want to kiss you"
But I never did.

When you first told me about
The girls you've dated
I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs
"YOU CAN DO BETTER"
I never did.

Funny how things work out.
skyyy Dec 2013
When I can't fall asleep
I ly in bed and I think about you
I think about the words you said
And I believed

It makes me wonder
Where you learned to lie like that

I don't need you anymore

She tells me when she falls asleep
She thinks about me
And everything I've told her

She asks me where I learned to lie like that
And I didn't have an answer
skyyy Jan 2015
I'm lying on the cold concrete again
Tonight
I think there are bees in my
Veins
They must have snuck in threw my
Heart
I'm lying on my side again
Tonight
Because I don't want to choke on
My *****
I'm lying on the cold concrete again
Tonight
The bees are stinging me
and my veins are bursting
Theres blood on this sidewalk
I threw up and drew a smiley face
In it
skyyy Oct 2014
sitting on the concrete
i think the sun had a crazy night
because its still asleep
these lights hurt my eyes.
oh wait there aren't any lights
i think i'm going crazy
why does my head still hurt
you make my physically sick
i think its raining
never mind it's just my eyes
i hope you never get good head
i hope you choke on your *******
skyyy Aug 2014
Maybe I loved you.
But I'd never admit it
Because I'm saving that feeling.
For some one who's worth it.

I couldn't actually love some one
as mean as you, right?
skyyy Mar 2014
A gun only holds so many bullets.
How long until you run out?
How long can you let
bullets spiral out towards
yourself?
Will the last bullet go through
your head?
Will it be by your hands?
Or his?
skyyy Jul 2015
I like to take knives to my stomach
And slice down
Where you touched me
To cut
You out
But it doesn't work.
I like to take pins to my eyes
Because I don't want to
See us anymore
But I just bleed a lot.
I like to put bullets
through my tongue
On the spot you made me taste you
But it doesn't work
I like to put knives in your stomach
Because I like the way you cry
I like to put pins in your eyes
Because you don't see me
When I put a bullet through your
Tongue
skyyy Jan 2014
Careless
A great word to describe myself.
I don't care
what people say
what people do
how much alcohol I'm going to drink
or "how it affects you"
That I smoke
or that you don't
that you're straight
that I'm not
or if you think that "its wrong"
I just don't care.
not about my health
or that I'm far behind in school
but now,
Everything's changed
I might need to care
what I do might hurt you.
skyyy Feb 2015
I don't eat
I shake
I drink water
I drink more water
I smoke a cigarette
I lose weight

I eat
I throw up
I throw up more
My throat hurts
my chest hurts
I smoke a cigarette
I lose weight

I stand up
I can't see anything
I sit back down
I feel warm
I shake
I don't eat

I eat
I drink water
I throw up
My chest hurts
I throw up
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
i feel dizzy
I smoke a cigarette

My knuckles are red
my throat hurts
I cut my throat with my nail
I know this can **** me
I don't want to die
I'm scared

I want to be skinny
I'm scared
I want to be pretty
I don't want to die
i want to be skinny
I do it again
skyyy Nov 2014
It's 3 am and I'm chainsmoking
Cigarettes
I wrapped myself up in a cocoon with a blanket but I'm still shivering
Thinking about how you used
To wrap me up in your arms
While we slept on a ***** floor
But I was always comfortable
I miss the sound of your voice
So I get drunk every night and
Listen to the voicemail you sent me
In 2010
skyyy Sep 2013
The way she looks at me
Hurts my insides.
She bites her lip
And smiles.
Let me bite your lip
For you.
I know she want me to.
But I can't
I can't make her love me.
I don't want her to love me
I destroy every one that tries
For once
I don't want to destroy her
Maybe its my turn
I'll love her from a distance
Let her destroy me
skyyy Aug 2015
When I close my eyes I see
My mom dying
Or my dad telling me he doesn't love me,
But last night I saw an angel
With blonde hair and pale skin.
Last night I saw a white bed and I was on the left
And she was on the right;
I saw little teeth peak though my lips.
Last night I saw an angel with a round face
And rosy cheeks.
She only giggled and I smiled so much
It hurt.
Last night I saw an angel that doesn't exist
And when I woke up
I knew I will never
Have a daughter because I
Wont remember that we made plans.
Last night I woke up to an angel
That smiled at me and I felt forever full,
But when I woke up I saw
A dark room where i sobbed
And my angel asked mommy why she can't
Come it.
And my beautiful baby girl-
Last night I saw an angel
I had a dream a few months ago of my daughter. I'm very sure I don't want kids but in that dream I felt a love that wasn't even real.
skyyy Dec 2013
When all of my words are said
and there's nothing left to say
from the long nights of decisions
neither of us were ready to face
or the early mornings i sat and thought
and tried to contemplate
whether or not I should end it
If the sunset had something else to say.
Should I just wait for the stars to convince me we're right
if i know the sun will convince me otherwise?
You held my hand
and gave me space
told me you'd wait if waiting
is something I'd fake
And I won't lie
I'll probably miss you every night
But by the time the sun comes up
and burns my eyes
I'll remember why I decided we aren't right.
Either way, I'll push what i want aside
because its not fair to you
that I can't make up my mind.
So I'll end it now
while I still can
tell you that I feel nothing
not even when you're squeezing my hand
And when the sun goes down
and all that I'm left with are the stars
I'll hold myself back from calling you
Because I've seen how this all ends
And I'm not ready to watch it begin
skyyy Dec 2013
Kiss me
Do it gently
Do it hard
Put your lips on mine
Do it tender
Do it soft
Kiss me
Do it anyway you want
Just kiss me
And keep kissing me until
I feel something with you
skyyy Oct 2013
Lately all that i can write is sketched on paper
Written with words describing you
No matter what,
You've been my inspiration.
Poems and songs about how we met
Phrases you said to me
That stick to the right side of my brain
The side that is fixated on emotion rather than logic.
This isn't about you, though.
This isn't even for you.

Lately I've realized that no matter what
No matter how badly I want you
No matter how badly I crave you
No matter the fact that when I see you,
When I hear your voice
When some one says your ******* name,
I weep.
I weep because I know that  us
Me and you,
We can never be together
The way we both want to be together.
I know that what i feel for you
Is not a one-sided thing.
You want me just as bad as I want you.
You crave me.
Your knees get just as weak as mine when
My name rolls off of someones lips.
And that is what make this so hard.

Lately I've come to the conclusion
That I will never be able to love you.
I will never be able to treat you the way you deserve.
Our relationship would revolve around fights because
I will always think that you can do better.
Tell me I'm everything you've ever wanted!
I dare you!
It wont change anything.
Why me, anyways?
It doesn't matter how many times you tell
Me I'm everything you want.
You can change your mind!
And what if you change your mind when we're out together?
When that girl looks at you and you realize
That she's skinnier. Prettier.
How would you tell me?
Would you apologize?
You wouldn't have to.
She is skinnier.
Even if she wasn't,
She wouldn't burden you with her thoughts
Of you leaving.
See, when someone tells you something
Over and over again,
It starts to feel real.
So why can't it be like that with me?
I don't want to make you repeat yourself.
You deserve someone who listens the first time.
skyyy Sep 2013
I don't want to hug you
Because I know I won't let go.
I don't want to talk to you
Because I can't let you know
How I feel.
I don't want to see you
Because I won't look away.
I don't want to hear your voice
it makes me feel faint.
And I know I can never kiss you
Because we'd lose air.
But if I couldnt hug you
I'd cry out all my tears.
If I never spoke another word to you
I'd have nothing left to say.
If last night was the last night I saw you
I'd rather be blind today
If I couldn't hear your voice
I don't want to hear anything else
Because nothing is as lovely
As the way your voice sounds
And if i never kiss you..
Let my lips never touch anyone else..
skyyy Mar 2014
If words were a knife
and my mind was skin.
you were the man that left a
scar on my wrist.
If letters were thoughts
and the alphabet wasn't rehearsed
I'd be stuck tryinging to remember
the phrases you burned me with.
but like the alphabet I've memorized
everything you said to me
And like exposed skin held over fire for too long,
You left a mark that will never go away.
skyyy Oct 2013
I hate long car rides.
There's not much else to do but think
And thinking alwasys gets the best of me.
Staring out the window like a cliche sad movie
I see cars pass me by
And pretend its lifetimes
From inside this box
All the cars seem so slow
I'm watching them about to pass and
I'm waiting,
Taking forever
But when they finally pass
It happens too fast.
Gone.
I hate bumpy car rides.
I keep my kneees up
Pressed gently against the passenger seat
So that my legs dangle from beneath.
I feel my thighs jiggle
I feel the fat vibrate
I feel my stomah making roles.
Two flabs of fat pressed together
Will I aleays be like this?
Forever?
I hate car rides
Sitting in the back, passenger, or even drivers seat
I have no control.
I see cars passing me by
Whether it be directly
Or out of the corner of my eye.
I feel them crashing into me.
Tow trucks
Moving trucks
Rrgular trucks piling into eachother
Piling into me
No not just me
us my family.
My friends.
I hate cars.
skyyy Feb 2016
I think about going back in time a lot
I think about all of the ways I could have done something differently
I would go back and tell my parents I appreciate them or
apologize to everyone who deserves it
I would go back and learn people's worth rather than ignore them based off of what I had heard
What I think about the most though,
I would go back and hold you.
I would hold you while you cried
And I would press my lips on your forehead.
And I'd tell you it isn't okay, you can be hurt, your pain is valid
but that does not mean you should feel ashamed.
After the first time it happened,
your dad found you in the living room.
He asked the boy why your underwear
had been pulled down.
You don't remember this, you were too young.
And I wish I could go back
to that moment and stop him.
I would grab his wrist
and squeeze it so tight I would hurt myself
and I would tell him to stop
but he didnt because my grip wasnt strong enough.
And when his finger tips touched your delicate skin,
you felt your entire like change.
And when his fingers tips spread and his palm met your stomach,
you lost the first piece of yourself-
your memory.
But don't worry, dreams will tell you the things you pray to all of the gods not to remember.

I think about going back to the first time you asked him to wait.
You closed your eyes and went to somewhere he couldn't touch you.
You dreamt of somewhere far away.
A room.
A dark room with no doors so no one could come in and the lights were always off.
Now, beautiful angel, this is where it began.
You didn't have to be there anymore.
He wasn't hurting you anymore
or- you don't remember anymore.
Only now in my dreams.

I think about going back to the first time he didn't wait.
Because the lights turned on.
I would find a way to get inside your far away room and I would hold you.
I would bring your face up to meet mine
and as I press my forehead to yours
I would tell you I am going to protect you.
And I would.
And it would all stop there.
But I can't be in two places at once my sweet sweet baby girl
so I will leave you with this,
I way to ask for your forgiveness
skyyy Nov 2014
I haven't seen you for a week
The night before was perfect
The *** was awkward
but amazing because it was with you.
We had one tiny blanket to share
I mostly stayed warm wrapped in your
arms
in that moment I realized that one day
we wouldn't sleep so close to each other
That eventually we'd drift apart
even in our sleep
As I closed my eyes and you began to snore
I realized that one day you'd steal the
blanket and I'd wrap myself up with the sheet
I was falling asleep and smiling because
i thought about our future
I saw us together in a ****** apartment
with a ****** bed and I was angry because
you kept stealing the blanket
The next morning we'd wake up
and I wouldn't talk to you until I had
a cup of coffee and a cigarette and you wouldn't try to talk to me because you know
I hate everything in the morning
Halfway through my coffee as
I'm light my second cigarette I'd tell you
I love you and you'd say "I know"

I'm almost asleep now dreaming about
this life we'll have
i wake up enough to tell you I lpve you
I tell you that I'll be happy one day
ams that we'll be perfect together
you mumble "we already are"

But that's not how things worked out
I'm drunk And sad
and I cant even write a decent poem
but if you call,
I'll come to you
and I'll kiss you through the see-through
glass and I'll tell you I love you
And I'll kiss you through the bars
and I'll tell you I lpve you
and I'll go home and I will go home and get drunk and then I'll probably write another really ****** poem about you because I ******* love you
because I'm ******* in love with you
and I think I fell in love with you the first time I kissed you
I felt this pit in my stomach the first time we
met and I feel it every time I think about you now
iT's been 5 years and I think it's love
skyyy Mar 2015
My mothers perfume is sweet
but not like candy or fruit
my mothers perfume is champagne when she exhales
and wet concrete when she sobs in the dark
my mothers perfume is laughter written on
her face with $40 eyeliner
that does not smudge when she cries
my mothers perfume is her hair in my face
when i fall asleep next to her on the couch
my mothers perfume is not a smell
but a feeling in my chest when I hug her
skyyy Oct 2020
I watched the playlist get smaller, and in turn felt your love for her grow stronger. I’m no longer a part of your life, but the love for her that you have, I feel it too, because as it grows inside you, as it crawls through your throat and vomits out of your mouth, so full there’s only one way to exit, my heart contrasts and restricts and I feel it leaving me and entering her. Everyday. Little by little. I become just a memory. But to me, you are everything. To me, you are the moon when I can’t sleep, the sun when I wish to wake, the wind pushing me, the air I breathe in, and everything I wish not to exhale. I want to keep you inside, in my lungs and in my stomach, but every time I exhale, you wonder farther and farther away, into her arms, into her heart, and I can not breathe fast enough to keep you in anymore. I love you but I can not. I dream of you but I will not. I miss you but I
skyyy Feb 2014
Misleading words lead to mistaken actions.
I guess I misunderstood when
you said you loved holding me.
I guess you meant
you didn't know how to be alone.
one
skyyy Dec 2013
one
One cut
That's all I want
For now
Just one cut
Not too deep
I won't bleed too much
Just one cut
To break the skin
Just one cut
To break the silence
Just one cut
To feel something
Other than this
skyyy May 2014
Love is like the flicker of a light bulb
that's about to burn out.
After a while the light is no longer there.

Go out and buy a new light bulb.

But don't mistake loose bolb
for one that is burnt out.
skyyy Sep 2013
I have this overwhelming urge
To grap my pill bottle
Filled with 14 purple anti phycotics
And take them all
And then maybe
I might not feel
Like I'm crazy

I have this overwhelming urge
To grap my medicine box
Filled with 9 migrane pills
And swollow them all
No break in between
And then maybe
My head won't throb
Anymore

I have this overwhelming urge
To pull out my razor
And make my white shirt red
And maybe my mind won't hurt
Like it did

I have this overwhelming urge
To walk 4 flights of stairs
To the very top
And jump
Four stories up
And maybe I won't dream
About it

I have this over whelming urge
To just end it all
And then maybe
I won't be such a mess
And then maybe
I might be able to finally forget
skyyy Jul 2017
California sun kissed your cheeks
California sun held you in her arms,
Wrapped her hands around your neck
Like the rope you hid in your closet

I miss you.

Do you remember picking flowers
In our backyard

Making homes for bugs
Thinking we were keeping them safe
Locking them away

Do you think our parents
Thought they were keeping us safe too?

How many more times
Did I need to tell you
That I love you and couldn't live
Without you
For you to have stayed

Missouri rain cradled you in her arms
Kissed your track marks and told you
There was nothing wrong
Missouri sky's picked the needles out of
Your arms
Like I used to pick the splinters from
Your fingertips

I miss you.
skyyy Feb 2015
I remember how my world turned blue
everything I saw was blue
like we were under water now
like when we fell asleep we were in the ocean
but sometimes we were red
like when you slapped me for no reason
Like when you said you want to hurt me
Like the ocean turned to blood and
I was going to drown
but then you said you love me
and I could breathe again
skyyy Nov 2013
She goes to her room
And locks the door
She's not afraid to cry anymore
She runs to her bed
Lies down on her side
Looks up at the ceiling
And imagines the sky
So big and peaceful
Makes her problems seem small
But before she can smile
She realizes they aren't at all
She looks at her wrist
And all of the scars
remembering a time when she felt numb
Tries to tell herself that feeling hopeless
Is better than feeling nothing at all
While her head is telling her
That's she's always wrong
So she grabs her blade
Her old best friend
The only one who was ever there in the end
She holds it loose
She holds it tight
Either way her hand feels right
A missing puzzle piece
She lost one night
And now its back in her hand
Where she knew its always belonged
She forgets about her problems,
The girls who won't leave her alone
She forgets about her mom
And all the alcohol
She forgets about the boy
And the bruises he painted on her arms
She forgets about the night
When he woudnt let her say no
And how badly it hurt to be silenced
When "no" is the only thing that
Makes it wrong
But none of those things matter
Not right now
Right now they're gone
With her eyes closed
She hold the blade a little tighter
With one long exhale
She sets it down
"I'm a fighter"
skyyy Sep 2013
Every morning when I wake up
I force myself out of bed
Its so hard, though
To convince myself that its worth it
That today will be different
Yesterday was horrible
Today can't be as bad
Not possible
But today was worse
Everyday gets harder
Harder to think
Harder to see
Harder to feel
Because everyday I'm dying
I have an imaginary worm in my head
It eats at everything
that's good in me
And eventually there won't
Be anything left to eat
skyyy Jan 2014
Secrets always come out.
Even when you confide in only yourself.
your unconscious mind reveals hints
with words rolling out of your mouth every once in a while
and they may seem irrelevant at the time
but one day
someone will piece it together
and your hidden words will spell out
"I cannot tell you; It's a secret.
But its refreshing to know someone cares enough
to put my unconscious word puzzle together"
And they will keep it a secret
until their curiosity
plays tricks on their mind
and it'll start to reveal hidden words
until someone pieces it together
and the words will spell out,
"her secret is killing her. She cannot tell anyone,
and her pain is no longer bearable"
skyyy Oct 2015
poets massacre me,
Authors cut off my limbs
And create a banner
With my fingers being the assumable
Of letters that spell out something
Meaningful,
And hang it high above
My dismembered face,
Welcoming my parents
Back to a serene home full of
Laughter. Sweep up the eggshells
They walked on and replace
Them with the beautiful
Carpet my mother always wanted.
when you're ready,
Find something beautiful about me
And let me help you destroy just to be the
One responsible for creating it
skyyy Sep 2013
August 2012
I see her
Walking to class.
She doesn't look at me.
But I could feel  my life change
in 1, 2, 3

September 2012
I meet her
On the top of the stairs
Her fingers combing through
Her brown hair
They had to take a break
To introduce mine
With a more than friendly shake

October 2012
I talk to her
It felt surreal
She likes Joan Jett.
So do I

November 2012
She walks me to class.
"Do you like me?"
I waited so long
To hear those words
Roll of her ler lips
And now, I don't feel it.

December 2012
We stopped talking..
Although she tries.

January 2013
She stopped trying.

May 2013
I miss her.
But I don't have the
right  to say that,
Do I?

July 2013
We're talking again
I miss her

August 2013 P. 1
She's trying to get over me
I saw it coming
But I was so close
To having her
please

August 2013 P. 2
I saw her
She held my hand
I missed her so much

September 2013
I'm confused again
I lost my feelings for her
again
And I cant imagine why
Why this is fair?
My life, my brain, gives her back
To tare her away?
This is going to break her..
I don't want to break her..
Its not fair.

October 2013
I kissed her
Or maybe she kissed me
Either way
Our lips touched
It was so fast
So short
But it was a kiss
And I srill feel her soft lips
Linger on mine
skyyy Dec 2013
I'm sorry.
1. I'm sorry I hurt you even though I promised I'd never be the one.
2. I'm sorry I didn't know that I would have lost a friend.
3. I'm sorry for being honest because now I regret what I did
4. I'm sorry for every word I can't believe I said.
5. I'm sorry I hurt you and want you to forget.
6. I'm sorry that I pushed you away and probably won't get you back
7. I'm sorry I have something wrong with me.
8. I'm sorry for all of the times I'm going to do this in the future if you give me another chance
9. I'm sorry that I don't like myself so I refuse to believe you do.
10. I'm sorry for taking up too much of your time.. I'm sorry..
skyyy Feb 2014
I thought I meant nothing to you
Now I know you cared
enough to make sure no one elses
hands ever touch my skin
the way yours once did
But not enough to ever
feel my cheekbones with your finger tips
again.
skyyy Feb 2014
I love the way it sounds
rolling out of your mouth
when you tell me you think I'm beautiful
Running in circles to let me know
That you cared more than
anyone else
Proving to me that no one would love me like you
I guess I was disappointed
when I realized
that you barely loved me at all

I had you wrapped around my finger,
Letting you run in circles
trying to show me that
No one will ever treat me
like a princess,
Not the way you did
I loved every second of it
I loved the attention

And I don't know when you stopped
telling me I was beautiful
but I think it was right after
Our bodies explored each others,
fingers slowly moving from
one spot to another.
and when it was over you used
the word "*******" to describe what we had done

Call me a romantic,
But I prefer "making love"
Because thats what I was doing
I had never been with anyone sober before
that night.
I was never able to give myself
to someone that way
unless I felt comfortable
and for me that meant at least two beers
or three consecutive shots

And when I told you that,
I remember your face so clearly.
Dead eyes, straight faced,  you
Pretty much,
in more or less words
called me a *****.
I am not a **** because
I felt insecure.
I am not a ***** because
I've been hurt.
Everyone has a first everything.
you were the first to make me feel
so special and so worthless
at the same time

And while you were "******* a *****"
I was "making love to a gentleman"
thoughts from an old relationship
skyyy Jan 2014
I'll only feel happy when
I'm around enough people
to convince me that it exists

I'll only feel determined
when it means
getting away from here

I'll only feel pretty when my
face is masked with societies expectations.
and mascara

I'll only feel worthy when
I'm hungry
and a pound lighter than yesterday

I'll only feel loved when
I'm lying inches away from
someone who thinks they know me enough
to carelessly let out an "I love you"
Between each moan
but hasn't known me long enough
to know my real name
skyyy Jan 2014
Your lips on mine
Soft, gentle.
Your chest on mine,
Hard and tight.
One hand on my face
The other on my legs
Slowly moving up my thighs
Your teeth on my neck
Biting me
Hard
I'm breathing heavy
I let out a moan
My nails on your back
Starting from the bottom
Clawing their way up
You're breathing heavy
I want you
Right here
Right now
**** me
And only that
don't tell me you love me
One night of regret
one night of low morals
and no self respect
**** it
**** me
**** it all
skyyy Dec 2013
"Kiss me"
you wrote on a napkin.
and left it in your jacket pocket for me to find
"I want you"
you wrote on a sugar packet
and handed it to me like it was a joke
"Nothing" you wrote on my lips
the first time they touched yours
skyyy Mar 2014
9:41 pm
I sit outside on my front porch
with a cigarette burning in between
my fingers.
I hear the sound of my thoughts
racing so quickly that I can't think at all.
I shut it all out to hear the sound of water
trickling from across the street
and I realize that my neighbors have
a small fountain in their front yard.
9:46
I hear the sound of tires screeching
One street over from mine.
For the three years I've lived
in this house a night hasn't fone by
Where I haven't heard the oddly familiar
sound of rubber tires burning on the road.

One night the screech lasted so long
I was sure someone would die
I was waiting for the sound of a crash.
when I drove down the street
a white care was in the middle of
a fence half on fire.

A few months later
at 4 in the morning a man was
driving home from the bar and fell asleep
his car went straight into the garage of
a house a few streets over,
Hit the water heater and the house went up
in flames.
No one died.

This poem has no meaning or significant ending.
a lot like life.
skyyy Sep 2013
I love the way coffee tastes
While smoking my first
Cigarette of the day.
I enjoy 60 degree weather
And long sleeve shirts.
I enjoy long books
That get to the point.
I like the way it feels
To be curled up in some ones
Arms
And the way it feels
To hold someone in mine.
skyyy Apr 2014
This is not a pretty poem.
there will be no metaphor
about how the leaves dance
with the music
nor a simile about how alike the speed
Of breeze and my heart rate are


This is not a sad poem.
I will not explain the way
The self inflicted scars on my arms
can be connected to spell
out what happened to me.
or the way the scars in my head
can be connected to spell out
his name.

This is not a beautiful poem
I will not lie
and say that I have overcome my
abuse and am now a more happy
person.

This is a direct poem.
I will not sugar coat what he did.
I will not hide behind
phrases that can easily be
mistakes for relationship
problems.

1) he left me with a guilt that
Belonged to him.
2) He will never acknowledge what he did
Was wrong. Instead he will excuse
Himself
And pretend like he didn't mean to.
3) I grew up to believe his secret was mine and that I needed
To keep it for me, not him.
I am still incapable of telling the difference
4) I was sexually abused for 5 years
5) I have to sit in the middle when
We go on long trips in the car.
6) My brother still comes over for
Easter dinner.
7) I skip dinner and tell my
Mother I'm going to my friends
House
8) While he eats dinner with our family,
While he jokes and laughs
And enjoys moms meat loaf
I go to a park and chain smoke cigarettes with tears
As cold as his touch falling
From my eyes.
I absorb his guilt
I absorb his fear
I hide while his lies are burried
Too deep for anyone to dig up.
skyyy May 2014
Big butts
small butts
round butts
flat butts
All butts
are nice butts
butts butts butts
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