I am a mess,
I have been for so much longer
than I could even see.
I walk this world alone,
with the company of angels
but I am a devil.
with smoke twirling around me
and a black soul
resting in my bones.

sick to my stomach
and bloodshot eyes.
nicotine stains
and scarred thighs.
I live on little sleep
and lost hope.
wondering just when
you'll return home
again.

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16- i was 16 when i met you- sweet 16-
when my whole life turned around
you gave me a reason for living-
and you still do.
every breath i take, every day, i'm taking so i can spend my future with you-
so i can live my life wih you.
up- down- up- down- up-
up-up-up- UP!
that's what my moods were like-
16 and i was ready to end my life-
16 and an angel showed up in my life.
16 and saved by a man 10 years my senior-
16 and i did not care at all.
16,16,16- lucky 16.

17- relapse-
the worst birthday of my life-
17- anger,
regret,
betrayal-
17- realization-
forgiveness-
17- everyone makes mistakes.
17- falling in love all over again,
harder and harder-
deep, deep- deeper-
i no longer see a way out.
17- therapy- hospitals- medicine-
no, no, I'm jumping too far ahead.
17- visits-
you're moving?!
oh no...
you're not.
stupid ******* landlord
17- we're not speaking?
17- you're sick.
you're in a psych ward.
it's been weeks since we've spoke.
17- i'm in hospital.
17- i need stitches
i'm up to my eyeballs on medication
i'm alive-
i've survived- through my own hell
i have survived.
17- i've learnt to live without you-
each day is a challenge.
17- my mums a cheating *******.
17- you're- you're back?!
you're back!
my angel! my saviour! my prince!
up- up- up- up- up- up- up
my moods are up again-
my medication is working,
you're okay
I'M OKAY!

18- my story is still going....

I don't want to live on medication
my whole life.
I want to get better
but I dont.
this has been a part of me for so long
that I don't want to let it go.

wandering through darkened corridors,
not touching a thing,
everything as fragile as glass.
I look around,
blinded by darkness
Until I find a light
it calls to me-
but it has a voice- a voice as calm as summer sky :-
suddenly the place I was in was no longer dark,
it was bright
as blinding as the darkness-
but I could see the beauty surrounding me.
and there you were-
arms wide open.
and I ran to you-

sometimes i sit around waiting
for inspiration
but life is short-
and you can't sit around waiting.

life doesn't hand you things
on a silver platter-
you have to do things for yourself
so live your life how you want.
and stop sitting around!