What I connect with you
Is covered in pain
In black mud and dirt
All over

I slip and I fall
Over it again
If we play the same
Old familiar game

And we're both not that bad
No bad people indeed
But the hurt that's inside
Makes us lose our mind

It's my frustration speaking
Or shall I rather say weeping?
For a part of me knows
I don't want to let go.

Close to giving up on us
Closer than ever before
Maybe that's the only way
To be free and sane again

I am not ready to suffer
Until one day we will die
I need more than that
From this one and only life

Hoping you'll understand
My perspective someday
And that I won't regret
Whatever I'm gonna say

Trust me, all the dark mud
On our lips, in our hearts
Sealed up all the love left
Which was there at the start

Now when I am looking up
I am feeling empty
Looking at the stars  
So bright, but I was beaten by envy

I know deep inside
A part of me hates me
I hate me for the fact
That I failed to connect

That I failed to understand
My problem at it's core so that
I would know better and not regret
The decision I made based on that

I need now to accept the truth
But it's so painful
Having you
Beneath me

That's why my mind is looking
For a way -
to keep the distance
And to stay away

Even though it's not less painful that way.
What else should I say?
Have I done enough? Really?
Or am I simply sick of being the sick one after all?
How about what did go wrong in your childhood and home?
Is the trigger problem really only me?
Or is it both of us and we are both trying to be free...

No answer to my feelings, thoughts and states remains
Because the more I try the more I fail
To see and understand.
My mind is full of images
I can't pretend.
I need to know.
What I want after all.
******, life makes you wanna have a second chance. All over again. Till the end.
Feeling not much better than before.

But I know my dilemma is that all.

Reaching out into the emptiness
of my heart,
Calling out your name
in vain,
Why the hell had I wanted this?
Why would I ever tear us apart?

It feels as though there are two people here,
the one who acted before and me today.
I kinda know that I broke up with you
But it’s too hard to move on this way.

I feel such grief, sadness, loss and confusion,
And I feel angry at myself for feeling so,
It seems that over you I’ve chosen an illusion,
A beautiful bouquet of flowers, nothing more.

She's deeply disappointed and angry as it seems
She lives in a land of broken hearts and shattered dreams
Unfortunate for me to be her mirror
I wish it was something that helped her see clearer

How hurt and abandoned one person must feel
Nobody to love her and help her to heal
She doesn't see nor her sorrow nor grief
The manipulation is her only relief

I don't want to pity her but
Want to feel compassion
I must admit for me
It's challenging as well
I try to be as present as I can

I'm paying my respects to all these survivors
I have struggles explaining how draining it feels
I feel worry, sadness and anger for
This land of broken hearts and shattered dreams.

Now I understand
That I was subconsciously angry at you
Because I thought
You were too invasive on my life.

Because I thought you influenced me too much.
Because I have not felt free enough in our relationship.
But I am seeing now that it was me who wasn't able to be herself all along from the start.
I fell into a cage that I myself had built.
Then I blamed you for it.
Well now it's too late.
Or is it not?
At least that realization is the most valuable so far.

And it brings relief.
It was me who could not feel and be free.
I realize and see this now.
Only now.

I was angry at you for something you have never done in the first place.

I stay here with myself.

Drastically decided to make getting up at 7 am my new routine.
Self-compassion made me agree on giving myself 7 days to reach this.
Self-compassion also stopped me from planning any further agreements so that I can focus on only one for now.
This feels not overwhelming for a change.
This feels like I am giving myself the time I deserve.
Thank you, self-compassion!

Unterwegs seh ich
bekümmerte Gesichter
Viele schon älter,
Gekleidet schlichter.

Wartend auf den nächsten Bus,
Augen verdrehen wegen Verdruss.
Graue Stadt, grau *******der Nebel
Alles umhüllt, vom Nieseln umspült.

Allein unter vielen, die Wärme vermisst,
In Kälte gehüllt.