it's been a year of firsts
my first time moving out
my first time with a guy
my first time being in control
but sadly
I can't say I've experienced
my first time moving on

it's been over a year
and still you appear in my thoughts
daily, mostly in fear

I gave you my mind
my heart, my soul, my love
but it wasn't enough for you
you bent and twisted me until you broke me

even though this year changed me
so many different ways
deep down I'm so glad
I didn't let myself stay

I think about you
miss you, too
I'm drunk but still with it enough to say
*******

I am trapped
behind these closed doors
I want more
outside of the stereotypical high school world
no matter what I do here, I'll always be just a girl
give me more
living in freedom in what I wear
and not being judged for wanting blue hair
send me more
filled with constant love that I wanna pour out
and opinions that people should care about
but I'm trapped
right here, right now
and it's getting to be about time I learned how
to set my body, thoughts, and love free
instead of suppressing my cherished dreams.
send me more
give me more
I want more
but I am trapped
behind these closed doors.

love -
an emotion filled with desire
well i desire you.

its you i want
breathing your deepest drowned secrets in my ear
telling me you never loved anybody this much
stroking my hair in the hot, hot sun

love -
an emotion filled with trust
well i trust you.

its you i want
knowing when I'm not ok
kissing me to wipe my tears away
thinking of me when you're not here with me

love -
an emotion filled with affection.
well, i wanna affect you

its you i want
thinking of me when you're with her
missing me when you're all alone
dreaming of me because you aren't here.

where are you?

i love you.

I'm drawing a blank
I think this is a mistake
where did all my friends go?

I thought I had it right
you and me and they were tight
now I watch from across the road

I see all of the tweets
products of ignoring my greets
where you've all gone? I don't know

thought I could count on you forever
and nobody knew me better
it's 3:42 and now I'm alone

it's ironic
the second I put my thoughts out
they all seem to dissipate

it's ironic
the moment I consider sharing myself
I've realized that it's too late

I don't know why I get so down and I
don't know why I keep getting
trapped
I don't know why I can't stay up and I
don't know why I can't stop thinking
of raising
a cup or a glass of something strong
enough to influence me
something to get me high or just
enough to quit the suppressing
choking me back with these thoughts
I can't get rid of
it doesn't take much these days
to get me
down, down, down
lately all I know is my head just spins a-
round, round, round
nothing much to focus on to keep me
from drowning
I don't know what I'm doing but clearly
I'm frowning

I haven't made my bed in days

a simple little task
which seems to hold no value

it's the sign of a new beginning
starting beside the light
it's a little bit of magic
for you to do what's right

I'm lacking motivation
for the simplest of things
looking past the glory of
the magic each day brings

I tell people how to get better
I'll listen to their thoughts
maybe I'll get better
but who's to say I'm not?

I write this in my messy bed
of course, it's by choice
ignoring the magic practically shouted at me
by the words created by my own
voice.