Your childhood was taken
By a society broken
Each day spent in chores
In care for your mother
Seeking water and food
No time to explore
Your imagination, or find yourself
Instead dampened spirit
Becoming numb to the core

And whilst you watch
Your friends play in the street
You kick the dust at your feet
Which you hopelessly
Sweep each day, house proud
But wondering whether
You’ll eat today, and how
It could ever change
Will it always be this way?

Running through the nursery door
The loss tugs on my heart once more
I smile, I know that you'll have fun
It's me that is the lonely one
On the train I think of you
Your smile, your laugh, it gets me through
Through the day, although work distracts
It doesn't take away that fact
Your are a constant in my brain
I check my mobile once again
I wonder what you've had for tea
I wonder if you think of me
And then it's time, the homeward trip
Oh, my heart, it does a little flip
As I see you coming, arms open wide
My little boy, my joy, my pride

I retreat inside  
In expectation of guilt
Won't look in your eyes

No conversation
Until the day that it must
Be said, unburdened

And then will cry
From guilt, shame or just sadness
But not for lost love

The Silence

The bubbles
that hover above our heads,
bursting with words
that are scratching and tearing to get out,
create an eerie sense of foreboding.
Yet the words will not come.
They are trapped in a wrapper
of love that prevents us
from saying what we must,
And yet,
the wrappers are transparent.
We can see them and feel them
even though we dare not speak them,
but we choose to ignore them,
in case maybe
they will just float away.

Breathe in my perfume
And the smell of my skin
It’s the last time
You will be close enough
To take it in

Remember this feeling
And the pain it inflicts
For all the times
You strangled my heart
Just for kicks

Wonder as the emptiness grows
The hole inside, the loss
That you never knew
If you’d only seen
Was filled with me, with us

Hope, with all your will
That the striation lines
That I’ve burned into your heart
Will slowly fill some other way
And not slowly pull apart.

The bright light
from my neighbours garage
where he slaves over motorbikes
until late into the night
makes me wonder
if he is working through love
or lack of it

An empty house
An empty bed
An empty heart
An empty head
An empty soul
An empty night
An empty will
An empty light
An empty pillow
And for all I can see
An empty life
An empty me

I once knew a girl with a hole in her heart
She was pretty and youthful, **** and smart
And when the offers of love came
They whistled straight through
Clear through the middle
No chance love could start

She often took lovers, beguiled and entrapped
No chance to get close, their time there was capped
Lust turns to love
But just for one party
Next man approaching
A sad lover lapped

Late twenties, proposals, they came thick and fast
She laughed in the face of each one that asked
Unable to give more
Than a month or two
Though sometimes regretting
The role that was cast

Then one day, unexpected, a true love appeared
She knew it was different the moment he neared
With her iciness melted
The hole slowly filled
Now able to love
Unsure why she had feared

She gave all she had, her emotions awoken
Not expecting he'd go, the reasons  unspoken
The pain when he left
Was too much to bear
A heart was made whole
Only then to be broken

At the bus stop on Praed Street
Just arrived on the train
Awaiting the  bus, in drizzly rain

On the opposite side
Outside Paddington station
Is the evidence that we are a fast food nation

Burger King, Le gourmet brasserie, Chelsea deli, KFC, Subway, La Taarza cafe, Bagel factory, Costa, Chicken cottage, Bonne Bouch, Victors cafe
I can't see much more
But there are further food stores

We must be obsessed
With coffee and food
Can this be good?

Our waist lines are growing
Our pockets are empty
Yet there's fast food a plenty

There must be a market
They are filling a need
Is it our laziness or greed?

If we had a pound
for every time we say I love you
we would be rich in a week
and even more so
if that included
all the times it’s said in thought,
but not to speak

Although we are still paupers
in the way that the world
appraises wealth
we are richer than ever
with more love, more tears,
explorations of togetherness,
of emotions, and of self.

Fumbling through drawers
At that distinct, cold feel  
We need to wake the hats and gloves
For the Winters sharp chill  

As I try to pull on your hat
I realise how you've grown
And my heart starts to ache
Like I've never known

My little boy is growing up
And as you laugh at the size
Of the silly small hat
And the tears in my eyes  

I wonder
With both fear and joy
How long until
You are no longer a little boy

Every morning
At 6.35 am
I defrost the car
Then drive home
With numb fingers
And icy breath
Eyes heavy
Heart heavy
And chilled to the bone
I pull in the drive
And then shiver again
As I lock the car
But a smile
Tugs at my lips
And a warmth
Scratches at the chill
As the chirrup
Of the blackbird
That welcomes me
Every day
Once again
Serenades me
Into my home

My son is at his father's
My lover's with his own
With four bedrooms yet no tenants
This house is not a home
The wind howls all around
Plays a tune with beating rain
As if all windows are wide open
As it whistles through my brain
For the fire it went out
With them gone it will not burn
I hope sleep comes quickly to me
For the sooner they'll return

I'm on the train, it's six o'clock
With a hunger bomb, tick tock, tick tock
Which at any moment, will explode
My weight loss goals start to implode
Why not have a small baguette
Who needs a diet, just forget
No one knows, it's not a sin
Just buy that chocolate, stuff it in
How dangerous can a latte be
With that biscuit pack that comes for free
Or maybe just a little wine
Along with nuts, go on it's fine
Determined, I shut out the voice
Stay in charge, I have a choice
I sip some water, shun a snack
And pat myself upon the back

If we had a pound
for every time we say I love you
we would be rich in a week
and even more so
if that included
all the times
it’s said in thought,
but not to speak

You know that saying
"If you love someone set them free"
Well I've always
nodded in agreement
but tonight I can really see
what that means
When you see the one you love
in pain
because they need to change
what else can you do
except paint them wings
and bring them to life

Let's go for a walk
and leave this prison
thick with the harsh words and pain
that has  been absorbed
in to the walls and the carpets
and every inch of this house,
heavy and oozing,
dripping on to us,
coating every thought.
Choking and smothering
so that no word can leave our mouths
without barbs
meant to snag and hurt.
We cannot stay here.
We cannot talk here.
Let's go for a walk
to fill our lungs
with sweet fresh air
and let the chill of the night
clear our minds.
And our hearts, if we will let it

Mind the gap
Between the platform and the train
(We don't want an accident or fatality again)

Mind the gap
Between your work and your life
(It's hard to manage daughter, mother, sister, worker, wife)

Mind the gap
Between work, rest and play
(Or else you'll wake up wrinkled, or burnt out one day)

Mind the gap
Between your needs and those of others
(There's a symbiotic balance between family, friends and lovers)

Mind the gap
Between your psyche and your brain
(Don't slip through the cracks between the passion and the sane)

Mind the gap
Just be careful, take your time
Lets keep things running smoothly, no delays on this line

Did I even know what I was doing
Did I have a clue what it would mean
After 9 months of contemplating
When we faced the you and the me

They say there's a natural bond
But it's not a movie, no violins playing
Though when we locked eyes in that first minute
Just a cry and I knew what you were saying

3 years on, now you tell me your thoughts
Every detail, every thought, all you've done
Simple expressions through which futures unfold
And the love of a mother and son

My heart is beating like a hammer
Blood rushing in my ears
A screaming in my head
Can you hear it too?
It's the sound of my worst fears
Coming true
And with eyes full of tears
I can barely see
The door as you walk through
And out of my life
Out of the me and you

A new notebook
with a beautiful cover
beckons me
to open it and to use it,
make it my own,
to explore my own hidden thoughts and desires,
to set myself free.
Yet I am frightened.
For what if I started to write,
branded it with my purpose
and then could not finish it?
What if my purpose deviated?
It would be a book of confusion,
damaged by its first love.
A beautiful ******, ruined by change.

On the escape from Paddington station
Up the ***** to Praed Street
I enter the daily wall of smoke
Rushing into my lungs
Choking a little life out of me
Until I emerge the other side
And run for my bus

Approaching the office, dragging my feet
The smart revolving doors
Lined by little puffs of smoke
Strategy defined on *** packets
Secret discussions I'll never know
My expensive perfume replaced with a new one
As I enter the lift

It's safe in the pub, if a little chilly
The air is clear, despite the odour of stale beer
But it's warm outside, where the smokers sit
And I'm jealous of their fun
I watch them laughing, sunglasses on
I too, could soak up the sun
But I think I'll stay in here

On my own again
When each night until you return
Feels like a thousand years
When the ache is so bad
I can no longer produce tears
Just a sadness prevailing
And my heart slowly ailing
Until I am frightened it will harden
And feel no more

When my laughter
Seems like the laughter of another
So that I look around
For its author, surprised that it's me
When the daily chatter of
How are you's and weather
Sticks in my throat
Because unless we are together
I feel nothing

Relaxing on the hotel terrace
Absorbing the gentle dusk breeze
I glance across the manicured field
To the ever darkening trees
Then something catches my wandering eye
Making my whole body freeze
It cannot be true, I swear I can see you
At the tree line, down on your knees

Is it the wine, or a trick of my mind
Conjuring up your ghost
Or is it the stale lack of closure
From the person that frightened me most
I reach out, feeling dizzy with fear
And steady myself on a post
Blink several times and focus again
On my illusory, beckoning host

Our time together was painful
Your passion was bruised and blue
Your threats and punches disguised
In a love you declared as true
When I finally found the courage
To run for a life anew
You followed and tried to take
My spirit, though long had it flew

And now it is many years later
I thought I had broken free
From the tears, unwarranted guilt
Of whether the fault lay with me
Yet here you seem to appear again
Your arms reach out imploringly
It seems you are trying to call
Your mouth forms an unspoken plea

I rise, turn and start to walk away
I know this is all in my head
I've had too much wine, too much time to reflect
On things been and gone, once said
And as I depart, back into the bar
Off to safety and warmth of my bed
I receive a text, of a car accident
Announcing that you are now dead

I pray you may each day
Rise easy from your bed
With no cares for yesterday
Nor the day ahead
That you may live this moment now
Not those unknown or past instead
Unravel your own thoughts
Expel the demons in your head
For your beauty shines within you
If it could just stay at the fore
Instead of dampened, your throat full
Of a constant petrichor

I was 18
Unfettered
Fresh faced, eager
World was mine
Life of party
Soul of clubbing
And so I drank wine

25
Treated badly
Blackened marriage
Drew the line
Parents shocked
And disappointed
And so I drank wine

32
Lost a baby
Twisted heart strings
No more chime
Shadows fell
Another heartbreak
And so I drank wine

39
Working hard
Breaking boundaries
Nows my time
To then discover
I'm just a number
And so I drank wine

42
Love of life came
New beginnings
Feeling fine
But the habits
Setting in now
And so I drank wine

51
What can change
Drinking daily
Not a crime
Till my doctor
At a checkup
Tells me straight
Down the line
One more drop
You'll be gone
Your glass empty
Before your time
And I wonder
Do I care?
And so I drank wine

I thank my dad
For my strength of character
My mum
For the written word
To them both for tenacity
Though neither for warmth
And from some of the things
As a child, seen and heard
I sometimes wonder
Why they stayed together
And would never aspire
To an unequal love
Held together by children
And faith in above
But despite years of "existence"
No pleasure, or gain
The dynamics shifted
And when push came to shove
When my father so strong
Let life's pressures get in
Fell to panic, depression
Fear of death, light wore thin
My mother,
strong from her own quiet pain
Brow beaten and trodden down
Rose up, drew him close,
Helped him tackle his fears
Helped him realise that strength
Is not tough, harsh, verbose
His eyes were opened
And though late on in years
They at last grew together
My father much softer
My mother much loved

Stuck between
Sense and bohemia
Hoping my son
When he grows
Will take his belle or beau
Into the woods
And explore
Feel the excitement
Of skin and leaves
And bark
And ferny floor
Like I once might
And might once more
Yet inhibited
By the fear
That what
We all we hold dear
Is so quickly taken
In a world so harsh
When we want
To run free
Embrace love and life
Feel the things
We don't see
But constrained
By the knowledge
Or perhaps
A new reality.

Lacewing
Clinging on for dear life
On my windscreen
For a twenty mile trip
You did not lose your grip
I'm amazed by your stamina
A bug of true grit
And if survival of the fittest
Was measured in size
Versus wind speed
You would indeed
Be the king
Except for the fact
That your kind
Are back at the river
And for your bold travel
You will now die
Far from your natural habitat

My heart squeezed tight when I got the call
I'd not prepared myself at all
The journey seemed so painfully slow
Allowing fear to gradually grow
Greeted by that clinic smell
A silent bell began to knell
My shock I could not keep inside
At how you'd changed, oh how I cried
You looked so gaunt, so pale, so thin
It angered me that it should win
The cancer that you'd fought so hard
About to have the final word
Yet still you smiled, your eyes awake
The sparkle that it could not take
You held my hand and in my ear
A whisper, glad that I was here
Never will I forget your face
Changed, another in your place
Never can I forget that day
Your face so drawn, your skin so grey
I hope, I yearn, I wish, I pray
The memory will fade away
And every time I think of you
The happier times come breaking through

Taken from the book Breakfast Bites, and published in the Anthology "A Day in Time"

The Ravens are leaving the tower
Abandoning the wreck
No promise that
Love could return
No reason to stay
For they know if they did
That a bitter knife
Would find its way
Straight through each and every feathered heart
Each and every whim and wish
Better to fly and
maybe find hope elsewhere

I don’t know what else to do
I feel like I’m losing my grip
Clinging on to your shirt as it slowly rips
And you slip, from my grasp
To the demons that are dragging you
Away from me, away from you
Away from all that we’ve built and all that we know
And if I could I would throw myself in your path
To keep you, please don’t go
With one foot in now, the other in fear
Don’t give in to the vandella
Slowly stealing your mind and your soul
I need you here.

What use are you now
Now you are gone
You promised forever
My only one
You promised you’d stay
Through sickness and health
But the sickness crept up
And with quiet and stealth
It took you away

First just in mind
As you failed to recall
Our memories, the date
And then nothing at all
Then came the failing
Of your body once strong
Lying broken and crumbled
And after not very long
It took you away

So what use are you now
As I mourn and I grieve
That wasn't part of the deal
You said you’d not leave
I wonder if maybe
We should never have met
Then my heart wouldn't ache
With no love to forget, when
It took you away

But for the years that we spent
For the laughter we shared
For the children we raised
For the way that you cared
For the chance to have known you
For our souls that entwined
You will always, forever
Still be part of mine
It won’t take you.

When you grow used to my body
will you crave another?
Will your eyes no longer find awe
if I slowly undress
in the curve of my waist,
and will your caress
of my smooth skin
no longer be an instinct
but instead perfunctory
Will the endless nights of passion
be replaced with snores
as your mind
and your body bores
of what is always there
Or will our love run deep,
enough to keep
The interest, the care
With new layers of desire
unfolding
Mutual understanding
The moulding
of a connection and a strength
that runs in us, and round us and through us
so that no matter what comes our way
no other could evoke
a need to stray.

Why isn't it like in the movies?
I thought that's how it would be
But there's no windswept kiss
Or romantic triste
Instead, I live my love vicariously

The films promised a one and only
Or at least a handsome lover
But when the last one left
I remained bereft
I can't seem to find another

I could have won best actress award
Oh, the nights, how I cried and cried
Stayed in bed for days
Whilst counting the ways
That my ****** Jane Austen had lied

Perhaps there is no Mr Darcy
Or even a Mr Gray
I'd be happy with a simple soul
But while my heart's on parole
I'm stuck in a Groundhog Day

No Sliding Doors romance for me
No Love Actually, no fun and laughter
My hope has gone
Of that special one
Or my happy ever after