there will never be the time so can i say something hurtful
can i sink my hand into your chest do i even have the power
like you would ever say
but i want to never see you again i want the notifications to stack i want to live a different life and i wonder if my doctor would agree and i wonder if youd just let it happen and if that would make it better make it easy if you could just never
i just want to say it i just want to say it
is this as good as it is going to get
should i quit while im ahead
as if i was ever anything but two blocks behind at least i was always looking forwards but the trouble is i never looked both ways so what is all of this even worth when my body has become my grave

with a look watch the book take it took rather light cooked
make it shook talk it rook follow soot would it
round the bend do it send feel a wake water trend
bake it rake it shake it till the faker is in bed yuh
shoulder coulda stayed for awhile keepin aid for a style
walker talked bottle hotter followed crept exiled shocker maimed
framed with it same day lame couldnt
major minor sold in diamond whiner keeper copper folded daughter locker tamed with it
back bridled shoulda
game sided woulda
fallen to be crawlin fists of dollars to be callin funny
money money money money money keep it comin honey
vent sobbing bold bent red bawling
solder didnt
and a wicker minute
**** crawlin in the bitter with it
on a back mast bad stack wrap blast betcha dolla nab fast lack that banned cast which stood it
wouldja fall in with it
book could it
wouldnt walk straight in the face
with the way that he took it like
**** did it
and he gotta sike it all inna weird wet way like a sun under fog on the bay in the rain on the wall
pit type woah stay to wicked
flip right phone pay to win it
bit lye misty oughta sit throne may u finish
sit tight so there fake to spin it

at the bus stop with a juice box
and a heart full of love.
on the pavement an arrangement
of impersonal hugs.
how i miss you when im with you
and what it used to be like.
over blue ice saying white lies
ill be quiet tonight.

.
1. benadryl
2. earl grey tea
3. creation inflicted upon the world in fervor and apathy alike, burning afterimages of annihilation deep within your skull, it is the very heart beat embedded in your skin that unnerves you in the night
4. count to ten
5. again.

like coffee filled with caramel
reeses cups and cookie butter
two hundred forty calories of coca cola
like a cupcake

surely you must understand

i have nothing to say for myself anymore.

just about eye height

the second board from the left of the splintered shelf in the shed
and its just about why i

stand beside the wasps nest in calm sweat like palms melt somewhere in my pockets
but its more about the time by

which i find a trowel on the wall beside the power that ive always needed to decide to recall
because its really when my mind dies

that i find that such denial can be freeing although always seeming fleeting
and thats the moment with my eyes wide

stuck inside the shed

inebriated ambitions caught between drywall with infuriating vision like the fire in a fissure in the trenches of the sea - a treacherous embellishment upon the rolling folds of blankets on rivers italics in bold

comforts of assumptions and reiterated traction within nothing like presumptuous consumption wrapped around, engulfed in told entirely - in all of its entirety, left among a cold untouched impression of forgotten yet perpetually experienced emotion, indignation on the paper like an unexposed proposal to ever stagnat motion

sitting next to me she pointed to the keychain - smiling with a stranger like giggling at recess, how lucky, how lucky
the sky was not there when i went to the courtyard but instead a new set of stairs to a new set of bricks and cold quesadillas
i always thought loitering meant staying the night but i promise to tarry forever, how lucky, how lucky, i shouldt say such things i know, but how hard to resist when i hear someone on the other side on the other pane of glass, oh how lucky, how lucky, i look forward

shes always been interested in dental hygeine. brought together by zero dollars but you cannot put a numeral on kindness

long sleeve silver chain you feel like something different. does it matter will it change i think im going missing. im afraid that whats becoming bitter jaded pessimistic, crawling all that i had fallen the time had finally came

i had to take off my glasses when i tried to convey the depth of it. its not that im nearsighted its just that the lenses are not crystal, if thays clear. transparent like the ice inside a silicone tray, would you decline to drink the sky? stars do softly clinking inside a waterbottle, the flavor of the universe converging in my palms and concentrated night pouring from my eyes - do you understand?

if i told you id like it if we all studied together would you report me. would you call me out would you say it to my face could we have a conversation or would you even notice. perhaps youre too busy tutoring the student that is nice but never studies. perhaps all you can see is the potential or is it really just the past. i feel like you are holding on too tightly to something that wont return i feel like i am lying i am reading too closely i am angry i am jealous i am overanalyzing the text but she wouldnt tear the paper for you, couldnt hold the brush. but i guess thats just not what everyone wants.

a flock carried the horizon across the window and i think about what i wanted to look at in that mirror when the covers were reflective of nothing in particular. i dont think that this is entirely sustainable but i cant bring myself to anything different

theres no green in the calendar
but whats it matter to me
maybe some things shouldnt be seen
i suppose its better to be separate
and honestly youre uninvited
its so enticing but frequently in reality
it only makes me sicker
i know im pickier, a lot more particular
like saying well trade circular
but thats a ******* line
(god forbid the take outs delivered)
i can only take it so many times
its starting to surface more often
like cutting my losses
sometimes i wonder if i should apologise
what is to life but to compromise
i guess ill unhappily trot along
and maybe ill choose to forget what i want

i would write a poem down
but that would be "a waste of paper" wouldnt it
something you dont want to read
i mean theres no one else right
theres nothing else right
a magazine can only ever be read
the only want the only need
theres no one else right

"im trying to be quiet but im yelling at you"
i dont think you understand the meaning of that word
i dont think you understand the meaning of a lot of words
like love or family or boundary
who can say theres a problem when theyve repackaged
it doesnt need to be solved if it isnt an issue
you dont need to learn if you already know
that control is a synonym for care
that power is the definition of parenthood
you are entitled to manipulation afterall
i must apologize that i forgot

isnt it so wonderful
and why arent you happier
maybe you could write it down
but i think that would be a waste of paper
wouldnt it

sometimes the poles of the earth dont quite line up
i know the physics of the situation doesnt reflect it
but ive seen it happen

if earth is the mother then who is her daughter
and is geomagnetism recessive
or is it more of an affordance
becaue sometimes i feel like ive been near her
like ive felt her gravity tugging at my skin
its hard to describe the way she says my name
when my eyes are tired and my limbs are heavy
i can never tell if its a misfire in my state of partiality
it always does feel like neurons colliding sideways
like rubbing a thistle backwards
but theres a certain charge in the air every second thursday of the week
there are moments of clarity in which i can taste the shift of atmospheric pressure
in which i feel such elusivity formed concrete so briefly
and in these moments i can just make out the reddened sky through my half lidded perceptions
my neck will prickle and my cheeks are always wet with tears but i can never pin exactly why
the trees beyond my window are no longer green
and theres someone at the door i think
but thats when i will fall asleep
i never meet the visitor i never see its face
at least i never quite remember when i wake
but my hands will have a certain texture on those mornings
and it doesnt really wash away but rather fades until i can no longer recall if it ever even happened or if finally i will break

i came across a tutorial on propagating roses
my windowsill is full of propagated succulents
but i had never realized it applied here too

you once mentioned your dad was proud of his garden

on your twentieth birthday, i brought a bouquet for your parents
your mom asked me what type of roses they were
she rather liked how they smelled

we had a stack of empty yogurt pots on the counter
so i snipped a rose hip, planted and honey dipped
i wasnt sure if that family party was a recurring event
but i was deeply lost to your breath
absorbed in delicately moderated intent

we came to pick you up for your twenty first birthday
your mom asked us what kind of jello we would like in our shots
but you still had yet to invite us

the weekend-of i asked if your dad liked to garden
i asked if your parents would like a yogurt-potted rose
i asked if you would like a sapling
he was hesitant to accept, leaning towards no
its already a lot to keep up with what there is
though it was never specified which
and i think im falling out of love

but i wonder if i will ever tell you about the part
of how long that rose was on my patio, and through winter, inside
how from the very start
it was for them for you for this the future
it is hard to go, but i think i have become the executed suitor
as it would seem i am incapable of compromise

and i wonder if i will ever tell you about my heart
of how lately ive been thinking
that i do not really hope i will survive
sinking into tears alive
til love do us part

step one
to fall in love is to be expounded deep beneath the sea floor
imagine yourself with the entire ocean waiting patiently behind eyes
did you know that the average window is three thirty seconds of an inch
and the water at the bottom of the sea has a pressure over one thousand times that of the standard atmosphere
windows to the soul, you never stood a chance

step two
elucidated complicated and delicate
as if there was ever the option, but your mind will always romantacise, rationalize, projecting in masculinized manners
you think that you're so important, so perfect, so pliable, but truly you are simply periodic
this is when you start to find it harder to look past the inconsistencies, the unpuncuality, the irresponsiblitiy
throwing woodchips and delivering food for two
you can no longer pass this off as temporary

step three
the first person to ever say that they would like the opportunity to try
the first person to -
the first person to -
i certainly love you

step four
this isnt really about letting go is it
but there is the feeling welling up inside
as if about to filter into something different
something duller dimmer translucent thinner
will i ever would i wither
could i weather let it simmer -

how do you hold on to a burning pan without handles
when you have worked many years
when you have found a golden hour between two palms
when there is nothing you want more

beaten down by sand in glass
i wonder if i will be okay when it finally does pass

i cannot live on with it in my reach
i cannot survive letting it slip
yet neither could i ever grasp it ever keep it

step four
breathe in

step five
you will never be the same again
but you will be alive

ever closer to deciding
so simply said
it feels dividing
i want to be in love with you forever
but i want forever to be over
i could never kiss you goodbye
so i will never say hello
i never realized guilt could be a personality
but thats just all thats left of me
to hold your hand would be to jump into the sun
i hope you know that i will always remember you fondly
please look away while i mourn
or perhaps it wont particularly matter
perhaps i will be some place so far beyond the earths curvature -
out of sight out of mind so they say
and i will never be the same

will you let me down easy
lower the webbing so gently
dont let me hold on to the putlogs so tightly
soften my grip on the entry
lay me to rest for a century
back fill my memories with petals
write on the stone with intention
eventually visit to tell me youre ready to witness acension
breathe in my lungs with devotion
release me completely without breaking motion
allow me to meet you in fourteen years and let my six feet of tears bring flowers to the fields

and will you let me down easy

will you touch my cheek without burning
and settle my sleepless turning
will you let me down in speaking
will you let me down so easy

red sun will i ever
will it will it forever
emblazoned within retinas
perpetually imprinted on every image seen
every breath taken
though not to be left forsaken
will it will it
inevitably loved in time unbounded
to drown in divinity expounded
something lasting profoundly undoubtedly will it will it
will it ever leave my mind

to falter in stance once lost never lasts bent left enigmatic in an altered trance perhaps yet bought to a felt knot blotted ink tanking in the evening breeze precariously placed at a glance on the brink of gentle yet voracious helplessly encase us to the bone of waking stasis to the core of breaking faces dropped upon a metal plate with ease in case it is abrasive intentionally late and uncontrollably spiraling into hate

one shift
two shift
red shift
blue shift

this wave has a certain tone
this wave has an antinode

some waves add to make another
some waves shorten in the summer

here's a wave that's really fast
this wave has really got to blast

but how to find velocity
find the length and take that lambda
multiplied by frequency

though when the amplitude is maxxed
a level you can't hear perhaps
the noise it makes is just the worst
so please
why dont you turn that down
that awful noise, it really hertz

how gently i would hold you
your ribs against my arms
my fingers inbetween
a pulsing felt upon my palms
the softest flesh against my skin
how careful i would cradle it
it was vicious from the start
but there is beauty in violence
has anyone ever told you the fastest way to someones heart

work, heat, delta thermal
physics homework is eternal
pressure, volume, temp-er-a-ture
writing numbers of im unsure
diatomic, radiative
canvas grading is creative
gpa extrapolated
ideal gases suffocative
but i only need to pass
to relax at long last

audacious suspicious
egregious and vicious
pervasive emissive
passive persistive
unarmed and ungallant
expectedly *******
unbounded unfounded
expoundingly grounded
tenacious abrasive
abruptly invasive
static in stasis
solitary basis erases tastes this wasting faces making listing blazes
hazing draped in places
losing races unabashadly
maximally tragically insanity and jaded

an appetite of boundless ferocity
from which you will never be free
the only progress sets you back
its no wonder from the very air you breathe
perpetually between
because when you cross the line
all control is gone and forever unseen
it is ceaseless, unrelenting
and this is how it has to be

like the delicacy in a roadkill's silhouette
my teeth will leave a mark
an imprint from desire sunken gently through the surface
to break the skin like disturbing silent waters
i find some kind of aspect so alluring so grotesque
served cold over pavement
the world is the platter
the dish, my head

a flavor lost in water
frustration dissolving into apathy
does it even matter any more.
a comedy of pain
would you like to see the discrepancy in timestamps
or is it enough to say im ready
and would you understand
when i tell you with joy
i no longer love you
or would that contradict these citrus-scented apple slices
touched only by two hands
and the burning of acidic salt beneath my eyes
as if i ever stood a chance

they say a pictures worth a thousand words
and with eyes of fire you read me like a book
i want to ask how many words are on the pages
are there as many lines as blisters on my skin
as many as the tears ive spilled into your palms of flame
or can you count them on your fingers, can you count them on one hand
are there as many as the burn degree that i have sustained

there was fire in your hair when i held your head in my lap
your skin a touch so gentle a glass of water to my lips in the night
and i held you there when i knew that flames dissolve as in manner do dreams awaken in the light

youve never tasted cottage cheese
but would you try it with me
like the way ive never had carbonated blood
and would you spill it on my tongue
would you hold my face in your palms and drip into my eyes
would your tears reach my mouth
would you speak like they were mine

gymnasium
so amazium
blowin my cranium
my **** so hard like titanium
thats crazy insanium
like cadmium geraniums
caesium uranium
wild pounding atriums
emblazened with palladium

black blanketed empty ice
i didnt want to bring it
i didnt feel the pull the push the desire the bone-burning fire
i think i might be losing what it meant what i felt what i dreamt
grieving on pine needle floors
"TO DECIDE"
is it even up to me anymore
"everything that i want
i now have to give up
because it seems appropriate"
(appropriating portions that you punctuate)
if abdication is required well then so be it
or at least that is the manner that i will depict
as i realize the extent to which i fluctuate

spotted in tears parallel to peers
for the impact is unimaginable
intangible ungrounded unfounded unmanageable

i stand in the back row, watching the casket sink lower
im never sure whos inside
whats divine when theres nothing alive
to what capacity will the constraining factor maintain
incapable, an electric field of rage, inescapable
a negatively charged invertebrate ablaze
as if i ever had a chance against the flames

yellow crosswalk indicators underneath my shoes
sillhouetted familiarity by the garden ledge
and instead, wiping away water, stopping for the view

six identical plates, twelve identical more
will i wont i, pushed aside
deciding that right now i will be fine
six identical breaks, twelve identical torn

this future does not carry over
perhaps it is that i will be declined denied reimagined revived
i will never be ready for anything old for anything new
not even clouds in windows in lines
i miss you i miss you i miss -
well
i miss what i used to think of you

but standing in that row
did you hear what i had whispered
a candle lit dinner in tandem to splinters
for some time
sitting alone at the table
inside of my mind
would i even if i was able
did you notice
did you falter
are you stable
the stone had a name like mine

there was a heron in the sky when i crossed the street this morning. ive never seen a heron so far from water, so far from home. i watched it gently, despite the people walking. i dont always break the unspoken in this manner, and although ive been more often lately, it still is not consistent, and so feels notable in this instance. of course there you were when you werent and lasting considerably though considering what is normal to me this was not notable.
but a heron was flying when i got off the bus today.

i felt as rested as ten with completed checks yet really i was running on a miracle three with more boxes than i could carry with my hurting wrist and hurting knees -

dear god,
will you hold me so softly with mercy in your palms,
will you tell me so delicately what you mean when you speak,
will you set me so lovingly to the floor when you must let me down,
for there will come the time for me to die.

at six fifty pm they turn off all the lights. and down the block sitting at the stop, at last a moment to catch up, and that is when i saw the second one that day.

dear heron,
will you fly again so starkly with your ever fervent beauty,
will you seek me out so blatantly though subtle as you have been guided,
will you return so frequently further, but not so much you disappear,
for i would love a heron to fly when my time has come to pass.

holding you feels like an inevitable. intangible yet legible. i dont check the clock when im waiting for the bus. it will arrive when it does and when it does i will get on it.

i saw two herons on tower street today.

there is a sort of divinity within the grip of pain
sustaining injuries like baptisms
have you ever seen the aching beauty of a bruise

they say purple is the color of royalty

and with a crown around my neck,
if my knees were god appointed monarchs
would you worship me

besito, besito
cuando no hay nada para mi nunca
y cada vez
yo sé, yo sé
pero por favor
déjame, déjame
déjame destrozar a mí mismo

me perdones -
hace uno año y aún...
lo siento
no puedo hacer esto
por siempre
pero por supuesto,
para ti, intentaré
eres todo
lo siento
lo siento
intentaré

lo siento
intentaré
déjame
por favor
te amo

there is such depth within his dark eyes
a depth so far when i reach out nothing touches
i will wait for the sound when i drop a rock
and i will sit there quietly for days
looking down his pupils
like sitting at a well without water without end
his image ripples at the edge and faintly i will notice
that it isnt him at all
that the rock will never land but always fall

viscous tears thick with love
a beauty so deep it bruises
transcendent and divine
the fire's release calling gently
caught entranced by the flames of immolation
heavy and profound
burning in your gaze

inexplicably unavoidable
please be kind to me for i am not strong
although i know you are unable
and by that i mean that you refuse
im sorry youre not someone else
im sorry you are you

it will be a piecemeal process wont it
perhaps its just the way that i am feeling
i know tomorrow will be different (or will it?)
but that does not make this nothing

it is tempting to make the cut
is it worth it when its always proven wrong
but i am scared
will the damage mend
or perhaps should i say will i care

at what point is history enough
when do i decide to take the jump
and should i consider the climb down instead
and by climb i mean getting dashed against the cliffside
and by cliffside i mean the wooden box of ticket stubs
where i awake in tears because she said that it was normal
but this was not the first time
and by that i mean if i were to break the curfew
where would i go if not straight back to here

inaction is a choice
i hope i will not stand so paralyzed in spring
id like to think its simply winter frost come early
but dependency has cuffed me

the expanse found between solid bones
a cavity so fatal it makes me wonder should i even bother
is my energy better spent if i just let it die
or should i **** it faster
should i even try to stay alive

i only wish to tell you
the things i cannot say
its not that its a secret
its just that i am physically unable
and so i remain
forever aching to convey the unconveyable

soar blue skies
more to find
taste this sort of hue

you don't miss
sight fronted
sword's flight quick show

torn to life
you want it so
heaven or make some

chronically perched he crouches on my shoulders digging into skin only resting when my thoughts become dreams when my mind has left reality behind, is it reasonable to believe i have a chance, is it just cruel to hope for survival when the existence is so visceral and i am brought to ruin by a glance

☆
drinking air like flame
a moth inside a lantern
the passion in pain
☆
burning desire
the rapture of heat
self immolation
☆
acutely consumed
and terminally alive
chronic thoughts of love
☆

there is something up there
bending burning melting hurting
and it keeps me silent

scintillated leaves
a cold piano sits
separated lights glinting over black
organic liquid crystal
made of melted sleep
silk screen politics
upheaval and sink

despite popular belief
your hands do not bend the light of the sun
your lips do not pour truth and sugar
and there are scissors in your gaze

sitting next to your decisions
i let them hold my hands
and hold my mouth on your command
six pounds of fine print
six pounds of guile
you only love me when im silent

i am not stupid
i am not a fire prince
nor will i live to earn something that you refuse to give
however there are other factors, always,
like survival

kaleidoscope collage
your cuts are carefully connected
fingers of precision and denial
this was your causing and creation
and yet your language is laced with words as if you would be hurt by my exile

perhaps it will come that you understand love
but as it stands you believe it is hunger
to love is to know to demand and control
i pity your vision of family

a sliding scale of humanity
what gives you the idea it is a choice
what makes you think there is a weight difference in voice
like you have the right to someones needs
and reserving them for trials
performance should not be required
for simple decency

and yet here we stand
in front of the pyramids
like women perhaps
but no human for miles and miles