scintillated leaves
a cold piano sits
separated lights glinting over black
organic liquid crystal
made of melted sleep
silk screen politics
upheaval and sink

despite popular belief
your hands do not bend the light of the sun
your lips do not pour truth and sugar
and there are scissors in your gaze

sitting next to your decisions
i let them hold my hands
and hold my mouth on your command
six pounds of fine print
six pounds of guile
you only love me when im silent

i am not stupid
i am not a fire prince
nor will i live to earn something that you refuse to give
however there are other factors, always,
like survival

kaleidoscope collage
your cuts are carefully connected
fingers of precision and denial
this was your causing and creation
and yet your language is laced with words as if you would be hurt by my exile

perhaps it will come that you understand love
but as it stands you believe it is hunger
to love is to know to demand and control
i pity your vision of family

a sliding scale of humanity
what gives you the idea it is a choice
what makes you think there is a weight difference in voice
like you have the right to someones needs
and reserving them for trials
performance should not be required
for simple decency

and yet here we stand
in front of the pyramids
like women perhaps
but no human for miles and miles

debatable humanity
does he deserve to be known
should he be granted sunlight
and is existence your choice
or is it just because you decided

he should have to grovel for a crumb
have him on his knees
but hes not allowed to ask nor to speak
he must not make his breathing heard
but out of earshot out of thoughts
unburdened fingers in your pockets

which is worse

isnt that convenient

ive heard you turn and your lips say you love him
but hands murmur other words
or is it more a scream
from the lungs he has known
words mean nothing
(tell that to the ropes at his wrists)
but if you are not aware
that there is more to this
he will remain yet hopeless

a hesitant pencil
but will tell her will tell him will tell her
and i will be the one who is argued
i will be the target of decision
but i am not a choice
existence forever questioned perpetually advised with viewer discretion
and i will have no voice
will, no, dont, and never had
headed plattered dead
what is desired, is that right?
and tell me its my fault
it is not my place
but i am still human
even if you dont agree
and this is not debatable
despite what you prefer to see

breathing music into water
fingers pinched around a wine glass stem
a phone screen in a locked room
avoiding dinner table gazes
why do you want that

extra hours for today
but never quite enough to escape
why does he feel like that

the only thing inside
the only thing i will deny
to suppress is to nourish in a twisted kind of way
to reach and to hold
there are no longer lungs within my ribs
[]
im sorry
i shouldnt say that
please forgive me when i say i still need to forget you

paper in my hands
remember why the residue taunts at the front edge
its funny now, after all that, theyre the same too

dark mode no prose, subject to monarchy
low dose closed eyes the way im not supposed to
why did you ask to see that

the sound of crust from bread
the empty bowl in front of me
the way i call the animal
im thinking of white stitching
why did you choose to watch that

here, now
how many times have those images slept within your eyes
and could it ever be said
the way it has rooted in my mind
i secretly hope and i desperately dont
and im sorry but why did you suggest that or do you even know

keyboards covering miles -
turbulent plights of backhanded fights, it isnt arguing if its explanation
i suppose for those whove known no difference in abrasive ways for twenty years of unchecked distance kissing specious missing patience, it is true or at the very least adjacent
drag the corpse if not complacent
heinous words are not creative
and lately all the heart i have has drained away to become tasteless

blue rocks blue skies
blue water blue ties
unexpressable thoughts
unconveyable eyes
dry teeth from careful smiles
expired, denied, relying on time
blue hearts blue guilt yellow lies

a budding desire to leave
an afterthought of tears sprouting in the fields
unreasonable hopes and unobtainable dreams
a small amount of lines on a screen - its hard to digest wheels and wings, but harder yet to stomach the prospect of being, of lying sleepless breathing
back pain creeping, repetition steeping, the only thing persisting keeping cling to aching missing fleeing
argumentative sitting
conversations of speculative dissonance, proliferated distance, insisting dismissive
artistically passive tragic and diminished
there is minimal drive, suffocated motivation with nothing particularly persuasive, save for invasive ideas of loving ways and pay that plays a part in paving optimistic savings for an all too distant day

as points of life are stripped away, one thing will yet remain. its funny how much it takes, the sheer amount of space for this inside my brain, theres not much else up there anymore.
and it is in times like these that i find not even a moment can pass without it, so it seems.
and i am lost within these green and golden waves, and for that i do apologize. it was never my intention and should have been a phase, but here i stand -
and here i feel. with only a single aspect left, i fear. it is unfortunately clear i caught a riptide despite wishing to stay dryly in the sand.
i cannot help but notice what swims the water at my side, and glancing back i cannot help but notice the coldness of my hands

seventy five percent and of the unprosetic words eighty some is silver. eighty some a studded cup, insulated yard sale zippers, two black doors, just like the hood of a past to a sister. sometimes the existence is painful, but with sweet will come bitter, merely wishing for peaceful decisions that do not fester but glimmer, although the fear is insurmountably weighted heavily pressed to the soul, and occasionally cracking the skull, creating a beat just to keep a distraction for temperature, redirection of heat, and tears under stars will shimmer with shivers of guilt - acceptance pending, as this will not wither, this will not wilt.

this but and youre
theirs not is nor
some yet whether for
also, however.
though under in ontop
through was will wrought
be were could a lot
the while sure ought
stop! perchance.
anyway. so of been all
because since therefore i'll
hers thus had was
very we'll would wall!
once maybe yes now
never by about down
minus till despite,
within without alike - hype!
said did done it
went him forthwith
prithee thine then as
either neither ***** yeah!

put stat this what
bother upper it, huh?
battle wonder with but
mister think the
twisted figure shrink bud
from hit wink one
soccer stippled mink, yuh!

penning lemming blackberry stems lending friendship sending jam jelly mending slam poetry unending

light meeting ink on a textured pin board
with unexpected encounters beside white clouds
i feel that we have been here before

the latest prints in a row
wave to me hello
and standing there i smile
looking at the shapes and colors for awhile

i know that if i touch the glass it will ripple and shimmer and light me on fire
i know that if i drink from the waters edge that i will never return to this side
i know that if i lean forward i could kiss him and just as easily lose the entirety of my being
for at this window i find it is the bridge from my body to the world and i can feel it pulling me in
and if i let it, it would make me into the universe and leave not a single trace behind

relentlessly unyielding
what am i to do but apologize
a leash does not affect the facts
nor can such a thing be held with strictness

i shouldve known it would only be
a disgustingly short matter of time
and in such a repulsively simple moment
but of course that is when i am
an unguarded unsuspecting witness

crushed to the ground at your feet
kneeling in pools of tears and guilt
dare i even ask such undeserved forgiveness

sending clouds through silver rollers in my mind
cornered treetops of seven-paned patchwork skyline
with glass reaching to the planes

it is in moments of solitary names that it comes to me so peacefully in pain -
i wish that i could make you understand
just how gentle it can be to feel such complete despair resting in your hands

but here i stay
i fear i may
be lost again today

and as the same
it would pertain
the pulse inside my veins

sectionals of sky before my eyes
and i will never find it wise
to simply let it by to my demise,
but i digress -

cant sleep when theres fire on my face. the heat upon my legs and arms it weighs above the cushions, and on the other side behind the screen and on concrete careful - in the perch, a watchful eye dont think youre clever. it is cold and it is gentle, and there are airplanes in the sky - today i talked to one about satellites, and i wonder if the stars will reach down for me tonight, and if i will bend so slightly forwards to meet them as they fall - though with city lights i doubt they will at all

i love you
and you love him
i know you are scared
because i am too
but is this love
not enough
to answer
your fear

with your hand down my throat
sitting quietly crying
will you ever let go
though really i should ask
will i ever let it fall
from your grasp
and slip to the floor
and if i did
would it hurt even more

how many months how many years
will i have to live with such terrifying fear
or is that simply what comes with it
and would a plastic bottle **** it
but do i even want to know

it has only gotten worse.
i am terrified to speak the words aloud,
the guilt consumes me like maggots on a corpse.
i dont know how much longer i should stay or if leaving would even be any better because this is the happiest ive ever felt though i suppose at this point its less which one is better and more which ones less worse.
i mean look at this.
on my own **** paper and its not even original i feel like a puppy dog and i swear i am a real person with my own thoughts and desires a prime example being this completely unbounded feeling of fire that burns with blinding heat i cannot say it i cannot say it i cannot say it
and it destroys me.

i w_rry __u will s__ _nd r__d _nd und_rst_nd _nd s_ i c_ns_r m_ _wn w_rds _n m_ _wn p_g_s, _nd m_ h__rt c_nt_rts; th_ s_rr_w runs d__pl_ in m_ bl__d, i _m sc_r_d it will n_v_r l__v_ m_ v_ins - but lif_ m_v_s\ _n _nd m_ l_v_ f_r __u __t c_rri_s - _nd _ll i h_v_ t_ s__ is s_rr_.

it is to both of you that i say your gaze is drowning -
in different ways but the result is nonetheless the same.
just to glimpse a look is to be ripped by the tide to sea for several days
i dont know what to tell you but i am on my knees on broken glass the eyes are windows to the soul but windows are not enough to hold an ocean. (though do not be mistaken not a drop originated from either of the two of you)
and i will take a shard to my chest
and offer my heart to you then
for what else could i possibly give
for an apology such as this

sitting in sun past locked windowed doors
wrist tendon tensioned from trying tagging for the first time
sometimes it pulls at my sleeve and i cannot predict when it will be, but at least it doesnt drag me like it used to
merely quietly suggesting to tentatively assume that it is true -
and i feel it striking down, rolling over skin, curling at the edge
but i will not give in

patience demanded now
it couldve been worse but i wasnt sure -
looking, and my thoughts are not current
and im sorry and im scared and is it worth it

unsatiated crown
cutting off, its all i know
the only thing i can control
and i worry and i falter
because all thats in my palms are stones

look away from the blood on my feet
turn your head when i fall to my knees
palms calloused from apologies and dreams
whispers from a part of me i do not wish for you to see

your driving is reckless
but im more concerned about the tires
and the fire in my throat

the bruises on my knees did not give respite
swiftly i was swept by my ineptitude
sick to my stomach when youre with me

i dont want it to be true
fingers crossed that its not the same for you
because all that i can say is

i just hope that i die quickly

calendar events days and numbers
jumped and wrought and carefully plundered
asunder to wander the wonder while over encumbered

when there are several months in seven days
hearts soaking into carpet, it will leave a stain
drowning in stars is not enough to keep this appetite contained
empty chest cavity to blame

stop the pain
cut its reign
maim me
hang me
save me

(group poetry)
☆
fish warm
fish cooked and broiled
fish fresh
fish clean, unsoiled
☆
the bless-ed corn
ur hair it does adorn
☆
snorting god
☆
i responded with as much honesty as courtesy would allow
☆
my own words meant for someone else
coming back to me and applying to myself
☆

blackened bones cracking in the flames
im sinking, heart drowned, disparity compounding the remains
and this is all i know

if offered potentially bothered could that be the downfall
though left to another, untethered, lost lover, wheeled away
hoarse-throat fear i cannot lose you i cannot lose you
but neither can this stay

it is on occasion, more frequent than before
that i see in you, such that ive seen scorch
the heat is calming, until it is too much to bear
fire in my stomach, too much for me to share
molten marrow dripping from the ribs
and from the eyes, burning, freezing, twisting, bare
i care too much to tell you how i think that you will fare
this light that is entrancing, it will keep you blindly petrified
try not to stare, turn away, though i know you wont you cant im terrified
im scared

and i am here just barely, just hardly
the heart in cremation from unchecked eyes, severely unemployed mind
im sorry im sorry im sorry

but what am i supposed to say
when collar bones hold souls
captively in rapture
fractured aspirations, broken realizations
with dark unsanctioned swiftness
partly breathing patience
but i cant relive this
and im sorry and im sorry
so please
offer me fogiveness

nearly noon oclock at night
phone screen poetry on a shared queen bed
the kitty woke me up this morning
his sweet little paws so gently said hello
a fistful of minutes and my toes touch the floor

i never understand the fridges of anothers home
but eggs are in the pan and pancake battered bowl
red room breakfast, black tea in the car
water on the ground sleeping soundly
cash back in the pocket
it was perfect pacin walkin
upstairs adventure with a basket of snacks
you called at just the right time for that strawberry milk pack

dorm couch poetry next to different angled conversations my world in rotation everything falling into place i dont know how to convey to you the magnitude but holy ******* **** i love my friends *******!

driving down the [] trail to ikea
cs backup in the backseat lackin sleep stacked up
parkin lot food keepin stats up
as the five hour campaign begins as it seems itll last us

why the ***** was it so hot in there

two weeks later and ive finally found a bathroom
(now i understand the scps and backrooms)
cleaning closed to women so its great that im a man or at least enough to take the handle still on brand but -
ive come to see things so unlike the way i have before a total norm to have the room with another human being it doesnt bother me at all in fact it feels natural sharing walls ive never been there on my own like that before -
such exhilaration from a stall inside a store and everything has changed,

Everything has Changed.

(fading bruises blue i never thought id heal in truth)
but actually outside of me every little thing has stayed the same -
and it is my lungs that have been shifted since the air that i am breathing is not different its just never like i used to

weird *** food court and a homework champ
bluetooth music with your mandatory lamp
hurtling down the aisles in a flatbed cart/
clambering the scaffolding
hampering the staff it seems
i say this dearly but you three quite sincerely
have a chokehold on my heart

ive never tried konjak jelly and ive never heard cherry wine but boy i cannot wait for these to be the first of a long string of things, immerse me in your lives submerged and intertwined i want to love you guys for a long long long ******* time

theres poetry on the table
theres water in my skull/
more difficult to hold with each day becoming bolder
can u imagine how it feels
to peel those words like tangerines/
to ask to be told
to eat the definition of incision
and crumple in its folds
just like a rendered dream/
and i am tasting out of control

two bottles of coke
a fresh tablet and an open notebook
left behind for class
a heart's a heavy burden
but the smiles of the crew really make it worth it
just being in that space is all it takes

printed waltzes over rendered clouds
we played the song again
a kiss a dance a hug, careful steps with love
and then
a spoonful of center cake
but not sweeter than the hearts
of the people i partake

borrowed pages on a gymnasium floor
crowd sourced poetry interlude ensues;
an encore -
oh how i would love to live
with just the three of you

cloudy early brightly walking
auto pilot busing
an extra hour of penciled words
just for your entrusting
trigun sketches life drawn messes
another joined us later
and when the photos posted
he was clearly there and on the table in the conversation causing laughter blushing i was not expecting because now you know

but then at one, another ride
a couple window hours
yet again an extra time a walk sublime
the flowers were in blossom
cherry petal soles to your aunt and uncles home
a pink abode above a pretty road
a most beautiful smile just beyond the door

oh how i missed you

talk of alcohol and crushes/ down the block and such this is/ so wonderful i love you, club or tonic i dont know the difference

dicing garlic in the kitchen
noodles cooking bread baking i tried white wine for the first time
(it was not particularly good)
but i drank it and i love you, watching tv on the couch
the little man that mr chicken he is just a little guy
a darling baby boy a chunky kitten
makes me think to past and how it felt in the backseat of the hospital parking lot i miss him

long hugs by the sink, a purple face cloth to my hands
a day that is so beautiful
my love, the heart expands

integrals of goldfish and scrollin
significantly easier than expected
bracelets and blocks and rockets
from breakin a hundred

short drive the hill that rarely took
bowl of quinoa and another of pudding
just like the cups on the table of atla
waiting whistling losing air in digital pacing

it was four minutes after
one down and just to two
once again im wonderin but this time i know that its not true

cutting ice with knives and gliding with lemons
bodyprox'd knees and coworkers girlfriends
gargoyling fountains and relacing skates
i wouldnt much mind getting used to this

its dark and its late and you asked me what sort of changes id been thru
the second that ive ever told to

the first stop was closed but the next one was perfect
yoyo slingin in the parking lot
with rippled notes blastin tunes
reference typin effect affect i love you

early morning heavy bag with nothing else but hopeful
they said theyd be there soon
you say youll be there later
catan at engineering noon
was bittersweet flavored

water in the kettle
barely touched the mech on the table
last day tears in the after shelter mental
i was in the ceramics studio when you arrived when it all came together
rivers of slip and clay and dip and dip and swing

keeping printing lately squinting
we helped to bring the paper
you disappeared concerning feared
but just for shoes in your backseat

sparkled nails on the church's floor
behind the curtain essay typin
ping pong flyin wild story improv timin
next to those shoes scrollin and the topic was ace
so i dont know if its my place
but
as we left the lack of open doors was odd/
so then came back to the front lawn of god to give you a plastic bag of support
keepin rapport in some way of some sort
gracious hospitality that it wasnt raining
though when we were waiting there were trains and there was dogs/
but soon hes gone and hugged and loved

and now im in the front seat;
and then im in the drivers.

back window fogged, behind the wheel with you beside me reel and keel my necks still sore two days later just like my brain that needs a stapler
because i couldnt look at you
im scared of being fake but then/
music's meant to sing
i went to bed at 1 am
i dont regret a thing

☆
inventory slots pockets brought
water savory lot ticket caught
☆
lights bring colors bring joy bring finicky listening luster leaping in custard
☆
pen going dont stop
time ticking watch the clock
rhymes and rhythm for the rock
shop this walk it dont just lock it
stop
☆

☆
crispy gold nugget in a wendys bag
drive thru love with an s class grade
☆
poetry plum picking purpley sky
pernicious persnickity perplexing but why
perilous prudent pervasive and high
plentiful panicking poetry pie
☆

its so expensive just to stay alive
i mean imagine how it costs to thrive
experience a life of mint and time
like written rhyme but if it werent the rind of strife
the pith the side the bite
ill tell you what it costs to keep your life

a tax of mine is mind and spine
physically substantial
and soon to be a wound or three
it will become
critically financial
incredibly intentionally extensively pedantial
so thoroughly impossible to handle
quite the radical tangential that you could manage to survive this ******* battle

and yet how crucially essential is a victory to saddle that it is your very life within the throttling hands of rattled gods and brands
bottled shot and ran
right on down your throat
and yet they gloat and boast a new disposable feel-good care-for-you quote
but dont misunderstand they do not give a **** youre broke
broke of time and full of pain
i mourn the future

i dread the chest i dread the suture
the uncertainty will have no name
with nothing for the hurting to be tamed
nor a place to shove your blame

this is the pith the side the bite
this is the cost to keep your life

I AM BREATHING.
THE ATMOSPHERE HAS TURNED TO PINS AND NEEDLES
IT HAS TURNED TO ASPHALT TAR
THE AIR IS FULL OF DISTANCE AND REGRET
BUT I AM BREATHING YET
THE OXYGEN HAS TEETH AND IT IS SCREAMING
BUT I AM BREATHING
I AM BREATHING.

awoken missed calls
to another eight hour stand
body pain and mental strain
say it's needed and
call this really living

call it present call it future
call it time forever further

A LIFE OF LINES upon a page upon a chest would you believe it yet. WOULD YOU SEE a crime to vandalize or would it be a pleasure to your eyes. A WORK OF ART upon this skin but would it do the trick within. AN EMPTY BOOK full of boxes full of checks though the emptier it gets. A SKULL THATS SPLITTING full of gritting anger and emotion. COULD IT HEAL or might it just rot the soul increase ten fold fester and congeal. WOULD YOU FEEL a flame beneath your palm or would it burn not noticing at all beacause doesnt seem youre reacting as youre getting mauled. MAYBE ITS that spot within your chest between the things they just cannot forget. THAT SPOT WHERE THERES an open wound from which your heart falls out each moon and to the ground it hits the stone and there it sits til you atone for deeds that maybe have occurred though the pain is to insure. BUT DO YOU THINK the tear will ever close. DO YOU THINK youll ever add two more. COULD YOU EVER have three lines upon your chest all neatly in a row. AND IF YOU DID the body still could rid the heart each time returned to core and blood inside your head coagulated red with palms that have been burned - THEN WHAT WOULD IT BE FOR.

gentle hands when gentle time collides
touch hair touch heart touch lives
include another in tactile feeling
grounding, remind them that they are worth being
the warmth that is held in the palm and the eyes
conveyed to each other through physical guide
how difficult to be vulnerable
to show scars with skin
but with touch, consolable
a human within