Dear Music

Thanks for being here with me
In everytime I feel sad,
In anytime I cry

Thanks for cheers me up
You brings joyful in my life
You bring back my smiles
Yoy are the only thing I reach when I'm sad

Thanks for fixed my shattered heart
You complete the missing piece of mine
You hold tight my soul
You won't let my heart hurts
You won't let my tears out

Thanks for the harmony you have
I forget all my problems when you plays
I am drowning in your symphony
I dont want to leave
I feel safe and sound around you
You calm me down

Dear Music
Thanks being around me
When nobody here
When my soul needs mates
You pull out my sadness
And only brings happiness


(Palembang, 12 Januari 2015)

I am broken. So apart.
I am falling in life. My best friend is the dark.

I yell. Do you want me. Do you want me. To my mum.
I yell do you love me. Do you love me.
Because I dont love me too.

I wanna be in the rain.
So yoy can not see the tears roll down my face.

We hide in all our depression.
Hiding from the light. That we try to invision.
PROSPERITY and PURITY.
like the man who was risen.
WE TRY TO SEE, How we can have our own salvation.

I yell. Do you want me. Do you want me. To my mum.
I yell do you love me. Do you love me.
Because I dont love me too.

I wanna be in the rain.
So yoy can not see the tears roll down my face.

I am so far. From life. No light. Just dark. Id ****. Someone. Like i am inside. I am not well. Ive come undone.

I had a love. Now lie. I was alive. Now im dead inside.

I yell. Do you want me. Do you want me. To my mum.
I yell do you love me. Do you love me.
Because I dont love me too.

I wanna be in the rain.
So yoy can not see the tears roll down my face.

When I was little you told me I could be anything I wanted.
No one looked twice when I shopped in the boys section,
When I wore dark blues and grays instead of pink,
When I played in the mud or with other boys,
When I refused to hear my hair down,
Or when I siad I thought I was a boy.

When I got older you no longer thought it cute but we're not worried quite yet.
You told me that the lumps on my chest were beautiful despite my protests.
You told me that I would change and thag being a tomboy was temporary.
You told me that one day I would love dresses, pink, and makeup.
You told me that I woulf grow out of it soon enough even though I told yoy I wouldn't.

In the final years of high school you began to worry and I began to breathe as things became clear.
You noticed that not once have I worn a dress since you stopprd forcing me to.
You noticed my web pages I left open that read Top surgery or Testosterone.
You noticed the lumps on my chest grew smaller as I bought better binders.
You noticed my hair steadily becoming shorter after every single haircut.
You noticed the letter on the counter that read a few simple word. If yoy haven't noticed... I'm transgender.

Welcome to the world, my child,
I see the awe in you,
I've waited for yoy such a while,
And isaw this labour through,
I curse dthe man who put you here, because i felt such pain,
But when your tiny self appeared, i forgave my love again,
I wish you everything you want, and more,
But even so,
Some things in life take preference, so i will teach you to let go,
When stumbling around in cotton socks, you stretch your arms for me,
I swear to you my darling, i will hold you gracefully,
And when your tooth pops out,
I'll bring forth money from the faerae,
But, mark my words little one,
I will stop parties from being lairy,
You're welcome home to rest,
When college fries your genius brain,
And what's her name has dumped you for the nerd just down the lane,
I'm always here at midnight, when you think youre having doubts,
I'll sit you down with milk and cookies,
We will work it out,
Your missed car payments come, and i will pay them,
Not a word,
I worry night and day my love,
Yet not a word you've heard,
But one day when you've wed, and made a baby of your own,
Please know that i'm your mother,
I love you,
And this will always be, your, home.

The only question
Echoing in my head
I guess I'll never know
Because I never acknowledged
What I had before

Even this cold heart
Wishes to cry
My mind just keeps reeling
Hoping to find out
What the hell have I done

I let you slip
Right through my closed fingers
But I knew it was meant to happen
The faint image
Was meant to disappear

My hatred for love
Clouded how I really felt
To the one person
That understood everything about me
What the hell have I done

You got away from me
Like a jackrabbit at midnight
I just wont find another
You were all I wanted
I just wanted you to be happy

I thought not once
When I decided
That you were better off
Without me in your sights
But know sorrow I can't drown

It's overwhelming me
I can't sleep it away
It has a mind all its own
What the hell have I done
You're just another ghost

I curse myself now
For being so stupid
Yet I know
Deep down
You really are better off

These walls are closing in
Telling me how stupid I am
For not trying just a little harder
What the hell have I done
Is all I can think about

I let you vanish
Into unknown land
But I'll see you soon
Someday, maybe one day
We'll cross paths again

But it's not enough
I know it's not
I can really say it now
But it's too late
Goodbye and farewell

What the hell have I done
My tongue keeps getting twisted
My eyes are vacant
My chest a hollow shell
Of what once was

I lucked out
But better yet I lost out
I'm a mess
You're not the monster
I am

What the hell have I done
**** it all to hell
I'll dine with the devil
I'll sell my soul a million times
Yet I'll still never know

I'm just a being
That deserves to die
If I say those words
I was afraid to say before
Maybe they will clear the list

No use is it now huh
You're already with him
I really lost you forever
But that wasn't the last poem
You have for me and you know it

You want to curse me
You want to break me further
I'll tell you this now
Go for it
And maybe then I will know
What the hell I have done

My body decays
Even more rapidly
My sanity
Lost at birth
Lost again when you wrote those words

We're not done
You know we're not
Those eastern winds
Will blow again
And bring your cries to me

What the hell have I done
Please tell me the answer
But you wont
You'll let me go mad
I'm just not worth it

Yoy killed my
Not the metaphor
But literally killed me
When You said
''My last poem to you''

Ha-ha it's funny
Because I thought
You already wrote it
What the hell have I done
By letting you go

I watched it all
My sweet painful torture
Shame you'll never read this
It's just another goodbye poem
That I wrote drunkenly to you

Here are the words
Read them close
The meaning is infinite
But they are true
I LOVE YOU!

On a dark dark night when the stars all glow
Tell me again where does the Half Moon go

When winter appears with a withering snow
Tell me again where the warm winds go

When the day diasppears in a glourious show
Tell me again where does the twilight go

When storm clouds appear To and Fro
Tell me again where does the sunshine go

When I am so old, so tired and so slow
Tell me again why yoy love me so.

When I was naive, I thought I loved you.
I gave you everything I had to offer.
But immediately after, my illusions were shattered.
You explained the difference between making love and *******.
And when I asked what it was we were doing,
Your harsh laugh was answer enough.
But worse were the words that hissed through your beautiful lips.
"Don't be stupid. This is hardly even considered *******."
And with that, you slipped on your jeans and walked away,
Leaving me stunned and broken hearted.

Months slipped by since that day,
But I'm not that girl yoy left anymore.
You see, after you left me, I was broken.
I found comfort in the arms of others,
But to me, we were just *******.
I was just learning.

Then, just last night, you called me up again.
Asked how I had been.
If I still had a heart, I might have stuttered at the sound of your gorgeous voice.
But instead, I kept my cool and kept you talking.
You wanted to meet up, how shocking.

One thing lead to another, as it always did,
But this time things were different.
You were panting in satisfaction and you turned to me and said,
"Wow, that was fantastic."
I turned my cool eyes on to you, and responded with a hiss.
"Don't be stupid. That was hardly even considered *******."
I slipped on my dress and left the room,
And the first tears in years slid down my face.
For I knew how it felt, sitting alone in that room,
Stunned and broken hearted.

Sometimes you need to walk into a thunderstorm
Sure
There is thunder
And lightning
But that will strike trees
You have to know that
You are safe where yoy stand
And then you can see
That where you stand is beautiful
The rain is wet
But wet won't hurt you
And no one can get to you
You can feel as you wish.

Remember,
To dance when no one is watching
To write when an idea arises
To draw when you feel the urge
To laugh when you find things amusing
To cry is something upsets yoy
To scream if something frightens you

Remember,
To let your emotions run free
To keep an open mind
To keep an open heart
To feel without regrets

-Kathia Mariana Landeros

I hung you like a lantern in my dark cave
worshipped at your feet but made you my slave
sterilized my heart inside an old autoclave
and tattooed my soul so I would become brave

tried to teach the teacher about genuine apology
attempted to outrun the runner with finicky philosphy
glued the pieces together to make a seamless epiphany
and ended up laughing at myself amidst the general cacophony

I created this mess when I was not at my best
and instead of looking to you now I see right through you
nightmares of yoy dying have turned to desires that leave me crying
I pray that the Rapture may come to steal you away or take me from
the past at last is gone.

I walked the rockiest path that I could find
in an effort to toughen my soles and strengthen my mind
I kept my eyes peeled in case I found a sign
that with eyes wide open I had not been rendered blind

When I reached a plateau I thought of resting
but when you stay long enough you start to think of nesting
watching the birds overhead reminded me of cresting
no rest for the weary testers during testing