Built on a foundation of wormwood
Cause Absinthe makes the heart grow ... Blonder

Oops, having one of those moments
But isn't that sexist, Redler?
Yea, if you believe in duality
And I'm Dogmatica to an end
My end is Anisotropica
I got there through Riparia
And the Bidirectional Reflectance Distribution Function
BRDF for short
Basically, seeing all sides independent of illumination source
And, of course, interdependent of POV

Okely Dokely

Peas out

And care rotz

A boy, sketching

         His friends, fellow neighbours, skinny dipping

This is not the first time,
      but what is indeed new are the imprints
                                  of streams, droplets;
                                        yelps, giggles;
                      the force of a tumbling body,
                                   or limbs on limbs,
    shivers and waves in his very young heart.

       He finds his nib forming strange contours,
               fingers tracing the imprints as much as his
                  eyes could picture,

          only to tear the paper, later,
             ripping out a flat, grimacing tangle of lines,
                   his friend, grotesque on canvas.

     Night beckons;
              his sketch, made anew, alive as
                     he lay within burgeoning wants
                           that he never wished
                                        before

It was over for me when we woke up –
like an archipelago separated our bodies, intertwined in sheets
of your lies, I no longer recognized you.

On our first date, you snuck me onto a roof and made me feel alive (/again/) –
as if I were breathing in your beauty with every step we took under the stars’ eyes,
you were new.

And you walked a tightrope too scared to reach for my hand – emotionally handicapped –  
nervous smiles danced in our irises as goodbye left our lips,
I was falling.

But I think you tripped.

Even as confessions slipped out of your mouth as fast as (/gin, fireball, whiskey/) alcohol went in,
I held you as you sleep talked.

I’m not supposed to know.
When I said yes to you, I said no to him, and you said yes to her.

My name is not “Elaine.”

Now the hairs on your arm touch my chest from islands away, so I don’t feel
you say, “There aren’t enough benefits” for you.

I already know.

The last three nights unintentionally together and
I’m more of a burden than a good time –

Because once the words “I’m okay with you hooking up with other guys,” entered the air
my feelings for you swam the other direction, but my body couldn’t yet commit.

My eyes stayed present last night just long enough to see you,
but failed us the moment they watched you leave the room.

Three am on a Wednesday and your genitals are searching for an apology?

I’d already met dawn enough for this week.

The words, “I went to play video games till 5 because you fell asleep,”
dropped from your lips like a 12-year-old boy learning what puberty is.

I apologize.

Immaturity emanates from your sense of entitlement
as if you have some title to my body because you’ve had it before.
I do not owe you.

And what graces your lips makes me wonder if I ever knew you.  Or him.
Or if either even existed.

It’s hard to believe such polar opposites of the same person could be anything beyond fragmented figments of a hopeless romantic’s mind.

But I’ve always thought dreams could translate to nightmares if the right words were said.
I guess you found those words.

Because I’m ready to wake up
and even sooner forget.

https://youtu.be/q067Au9GA-g?si=VZC-v8SnXGx5xP-X

I'm lucky enough to live in a city with a great poetry scene (and more specifically the Dayton Poetry Slam open mics) which ive recently started attending... last time i went one of the people who runs it asked if he could play the recording of this poem on the radio (which I'm beyond excited about) sometime in September (date still TBD)... bear in mind this was 2 weeks before my first visit to the psych ward and about a month and a half before my first attempt (since I was a kid), although im doing a bit better now. This is what I'd originally written to say beforehand (but got too nervous 😆):

This one isn't really my best or favorite but its definitely my most personal... I've struggled with suicidal thoughts and feelings for almost as long as I can remember, tried to **** myself when I was 9 but wouldn't acknowledge it to myself as a serious attempt til I was in my early to mid 20s cuz I didn't get hurt... then it wasn't until I looked back on it and realized that no, I definitely was trying to (which is part of how I came to realize I have bpd since I shouldn't have reasonably wanted to or tried to at that age like I did)... unfortunately the feelings have never gone away, and although I haven't tried again since then I have gotten pretty **** close. It seemed like things had gotten better for a while, then worse, then better, then worse again... but I've been holding out for things to get better again and I guess what I'm really trying to say is just that so long as you're still holding on, things can get better again. It may not feel like it for a long time and the whole time you might be asking yourself if it ever can but so long as you're still holding on things can get better eventually (in ways we may never expect), but if you give up too soon you'll never see it happen. So just hold on.

How many times will a poet
write
about writing
poetry?

TBD.

applause

"You must be very proud of yourself."

when will i
be held to account
for these quarantine sins?

My past is dark
But not dark enough
For people to pretend to care like they do for everyone else

When one person reaches for my light they're burned before the get too close

At the end of the day I'm just the crummy leftovers
The ones you settle for because there is nothing else

All this time trying to be like everyone else
Envying the ones who can be outgoing in any crowd

For me to be myself I need to know
Who you are inside and out
I need to be comfortable

When people say break out of your shell it's hard because every time I crack the walls something happens and I tape it up and one day all that will be left it tape and getting out simply won't be an option anymore

People say if they knew you like i did
But that's the point
They don't want to try
And I don't want to let them

For me, you're either to stupid to leave or to stuck to move

A puzzle missing some pieces
The Fortress, violated
The good ole days
Watery pupils dilated
The land of silver spoons
Advantages? Yes, more than most
Hedonism, complacency PS5
Greatest, the best, a common boast.
Behold the unknown, the other side?
What will it look like to the masses?
Arguing the path
Elephants and *****.
Hating our neighbors
No one to call friend
The Apocalyptic prophesy
The inevitable end
There is a fork up yonder
Who is the yellow man?
Fight or flight watch it Die
Unpleasant smell, Tuna in a can.
Last chance, a wake-up call?
Four horseman saddled
Like White Water rafting
Who hadn’t paddled?

A person that gets it is all I want
A person to feel the pain of empathy
Someone to hear what haunts
Someone to feel and see me
An endless cycle of pain and misery
For which I long to complete
I myself cannot end this repetition
Of this endless cycle of my sin
Is it a man or woman?
I can’t say
But for now, I am the one to pay

If and when we meet again, I promise that I will avenge you.

I solely seek to find the beauty in everything that is.

When I stared into the vacant void,
My heart screamed for safety and for refuge;

for I understood that both could be neither possible nor attainable evermore.