A bump.
A lump.
Swallow.

You’re never prepared for life.
But this was ready for me.

I realize what the problem is now.
Underneath all of my layers lies a cloud of fear.
In less than a year, I've been hit
heartbreak, death, guilt, shame,
people's disappointment with me.

My disappointment with me.

it's the fear of the next blow,
about falling further down the rabbit hole,
about not seeing my way out,
about making my life shrink further away,
from beauty, love, happiness.

it's fear.

when I was 6, that little girl had no fear.
I was fearless, I was brave.
Now I stand digging my own grave.

how do I shut out the fear?

you can't hear me
i've grown so small,
it's hard to see.

the feelings have tripled,
they swim around me,
mouths opened wide,
gulping me whole.

i'll sit here in the dark,
thinking about my heart,
and wait for my breath to escape me.

I once found magic in the stars,
in red tail lights beaming from a sea of cars,
but my lens is *****,
and the night is dark,
the cars are stalled and sit in park.

I once found magic in someone's soul,
now I see one hundred holes,
golden opportunities,
tarnished.

There's no tears for me to weep,
only poison slowly seeps,
and sinks into my core,
and leaves me wanting nothing more.

I once found magic in myself,
now i'm a doll upon a shelf.
seeing life through my eyes,
and hiding many silent cries.

sometimes I let myself be happy.
rarely, I relax just enough to feel it.
the calm wave, moving through my chest.

everything will be okay.

Cut it all off.
Paint it a different color.
Change your address.
Change your mind.

But the past is permanent.

It's old news.
Forgotten by most.
But it haunts me,
like an unwelcome ghost.

Bravery colors my voice,
but my thoughts,
have grown so quiet.

As if admitting it's true,
even in my mind,
would be something,
to hard to do.