On the first day of x-mas
My ex wife gave to me
a card from her new attorney

On the second day of x-mas
My ex wife gave to me
Two weeks to leave
and a card from her new attorney

On the third day of x-mas
my ex wife gave to me
Three poloraids
two weeks to leave
and a card from her new attorney

On the fourth day of x-mas
my ex wife gave to me
Four hotel bills
Three polaroids
two weeks to leave
and a card from her new attorney

On the fifth day of x-mas
my ex wife gave to me
five ....oh hell
I was gone...by this time
who am I fooling

and a card from her new attorney

T'was the night before Christmas
The gifts were all wrapped
When the smell, well...it hit me
Our new puppy had crapped

I knew I could smell it
It was not just a ****
The puppy had dropped one
I awoke with a start

I could hear a slight rustle
As he went to his bed
But, the smell made me nauseous
And it turned my eyes red

I could hear a slight jingle
From the dog tags he wore
It was then that I found it
In the hall, by the door

I had not put on slippers
I had not hit the light
I just hope I could see it
Try as I might

But, as puppy bombs go
this was one for the ages
It had started out loose
And had grown in three stages

My foot found it first
And before I could halt
It was between my toes
And it wasn't his fault

If I'd turned on the light
I'd have seen it, no sweat
But, now, I was hopping
With a foot, brown and wet

I was off to the bathroom
Hopping mad, so to speak
when from out of my bedroom
I heard "What's that reek?"

It was worse than it started
Now, I'd helped it along
It was me, now in trouble
And somehow, that was wrong

Down in the kitchen
I could hear the dog snore
While, I was still hopping
On one foot by the door

My wife, said "go shower"
And clean up the rug
I hopped to the bathroom
And sat down, with a shrug

It was the night before Christmas
I should be out like a log
But, this is my life
Because I own a dog....

Christmas is Christmas
Wherever you are
You don't need a tree
Or a bright, shiny, star

Christmas is Christmas
It's a feeling inside
A feeling of sharing
A feeling of pride

Christmas is Christmas
Not X-mas, no way
It's the birthday of Jesus
Not just a day

Christmas is Christmas
alone or with friends
It's a season, a feeling
Of hope and amends

Christmas is Christmas
With snow or without
It's not just all presents
That this time is about

Christmas is Christmas
And I wish from afar
That you have a great one
...Wherever you are

I remember it like yesterday
We came together one last time
To not be there for Grandad Bill
Would surely be a crime

For three months now, he'd not been well
And the end was getting near
We would all be home for Christmas
Grandpa Bill's last one I fear

The tree was in the corner
Like it had been for so long
To see the corner empty
Well, boy, that would be wrong

Aunts and Uncles gathered
Cousins, twelve more than before
The whole house went so silent
When Grandpa Bill came through the door

He looked so frail, not who I knew
With two canes to help him walk
This was not the Grandpa of my past
I was afraid to hear him talk

His chair was by the fire
And he spun, and then sat down
In a voice, barely a whisper
He asked for his old dressing gown

"The cold is goes on through me"
"I don't want to catch a chill"
"This won't be my last Christmas"
"Or my names not Grandpa Bill"

He poked softly at the fire
Got a flame, an orange sail
Then his eyes, his eyes....they twinkled
And he told a Christmas tale

He spoke of being younger
Much younger than we were
And of how Christmas was so different
And of trees of spruce and fir

He spoke of sleigh rides in the mountains
Of making snow men in the yard
Of staying up to watch for Santa
You never did...it was too hard

His voice, it gained a power
It grew stronger as he spoke
I saw life come into Grandpa
As I ignored my *** and coke

Grandpa Bill was happy
This was his family after all
And at least for this short moment
We listened to his tales...so tall

We knew that what he said
Was filtered, and cleaned up
The truth, well....it came later
Once Grandpa Bill had drank a cup

After tales were told and argued
As to who said what to whom
We quickly brought out Christmas Dinner
And we filled the dining room

Grandpa Bill just sat there
A big smile on his face
He looked at all around him
Grandpa Bill was in his place

The jokes and stories lessened
As Christmas Dinner came and went
Then Grandpa Bill walked to the bedroom
An old man, now gray and bent

He said he'd have a lie down
But, not to worry about the noise
"My hearing's not the best no more"
"So, let the kids play with their toys"

Grandpa Bill's last Christmas
Ended with him in the bed
He passed while he was sleeping
After all of us were fed

I won't forget that Christmas
So many years have passed
For I still tell Grandpa's stories
And leave the blue ones...till the last

Grandpa Bill is not forgotten
His chair sits empty, as it should
And the tree....it's in the corner
Where Grandpa Bill said.."It looked good"

I was watching as the parade passed by
All the soldiers and the tanks
I figured that in some small way
I must go tell them "Thanks"

I worked my way throughout the crowd
To where the parade would end
And hopefully my small  "thanks"
Would get me a new friend

I watched as people finished
I got my words straight in my head
I walked up to a soldier
And this is what he said...

I am not a hero
Just a soldier, nothing more
I'm just doing my duty
As so many have before

I'm a soldier, not a hero
I am just the same as you
I'm just doing my duty
As I know that you would too

I shook his hand and said my "Thanks"
Then I moved away, unnerved
I had to tell him more...
Tell him that I'm glad he served

I turned and at that moment
I saw, a glint, a little sheen
Right above this mans left boot
Where his shin bone should have been

I went back on my mission
I had my words there in my head
He smiled, pulled his pant leg down
And this is what he said...

I am not a hero
Just a soldier, nothing more
I'm just doing my duty
As so many have before

I'm a soldier, not a hero
I am just the same as you
I'm just doing my duty
As I know that you would too

I shook his hand and smiled
Left him standing all alone
With a leg of polished metal
Where once before was bone

To me, he is a hero
And he will be 'till he's dead
I remember how he cut me off
And I remember what he said....

I am not a hero
Just a soldier, nothing more
I'm just doing my duty
As so many have before

I'm a soldier, not a hero
I am just the same as you
I'm just doing my duty
As I know that you would too

Mrs. Claus was at the door
Making sure that Santa knew
He had to see the doctor
He must be there by two

Santa gruffed and grumbled
Said there's too much to be done
"You know I hate the doctor"
"The doctor's just no fun"

Mrs. Claus held fast and said
"You do this every year"
"and you always have a new excuse"
"when the appointment time is near"

Santa, said he'd do it
Although, it was done under duress
He could run an elven workshop
But the doctor, was more stress

He made it to the office
At two, precisely on the nose
The first thing the nurse said was
"Santa, take off all your clothes"

"You know we have to weigh you"
"It's in the contract that you signed"
"A little extra weight shift"
"Could get the sleigh all misaligned"

The scale said way past jolly
He was twenty pounds past plump
He was just below horrendous
Santa Claus was one fat lump

The doctor read the clipboard
And made a tsk tsk tsking sound
He said "Santa, you're much bigger"
"You're almost 5 full feet around"

"I have with me a letter"
"That the vet asked me to read"
"It says unless you drop some blubber"
"Four more reindeer you will need"

"Now, every story book out there"
"Names eight reindeer in line"
"And since you hired Rudolph"
"A lot have you with nine"

"But the vet now says you need thirteen"
"To get up in the sky"
"You've got to change your diet"
"Santa, please lay off the pie"

"I'm not saying all at once"
"But, you've got to drop some weight"
"Or, you'll be dropping gifts by plane"
"And you'll still be over weight"

Santa tried a little laugh,
Not a full out ** ** **
Truth be told, he'd lose his breath
He knew the weight would have to go

He got down off the table
Put on his hat, and Santa Suit
He looked as red as ever
When he tried to reach his boot

The doctor said "Good God Man"
"You can't go up like that"
Santa said "I'm fine doc"
"The kids want a Santa that is fat"

"There's a difference between jolly"
"Like the elf you're supposed to be"
"But Santa, count your chins man,"
"I lose count at twenty three"

"The elves are under orders"
"Not to load the magic sleigh"
"Until you commit to weight loss"
"And you promise right away"

"I know that you are Santa"
"And for this I may get coal"
"But, your wife, Santa...she scares me"
"She said she'd put me in a hole"

"Santa, lose some poundage"
"Give it just a little try"
"It's not right...thirteen reindeer"
"Flying through the Christmas sky"

"I know it's confidential"
"what has happened here today"
"But, Santa...I will tell her"
"If you don't...and right away"

Santa, said he'd try to
He said "just tell me what to do"
"Truth be told there doctor"
"The woman scares me too!!!"

A life not lived
Is something that
I will not regret
The life I lived
Is something that
My loved ones don't forget

I fought an uphill battle
I was fighting at the last
Now, think on me and smile
Because, you know that I have passed

You know I am there with you
The pain will go away
Just think of me and smile
We'll meet again someday

Think of little things I said
Of how I may have looked
Don't think of me as done and gone
Think of how I cooked

Remember me a fighter
It was a battle from the start
Think of me and smile
And always keep me in your heart