Don't ask me to leave you
I'm not up to the task
Please tell me to love you
You simply have to ask
Don't ask me to turn away
You're too beautiful to pass
Please let me watch you dance
You simply have to ask

I will do anything you want
Just ask.

When you and I are old
Our bony fingers cold
Hair growing growing gray
You'll kiss me and you'll say
Remember when you cried
The day our hearts both died
You curled up on the floor
Smashed your head against the door
I'll chuckle and I'll smile
It will have been a while
Yes dear, but now you're mine
For that, was just a time.

She doesn't know what to do anymore.
Her heart pounds around her until it feels like a stampede -
About to be trampled.
Help her. Help her.
She falls asleep every night after her anxiety fights its way through her medication -
And beats her until she bleeds.
But sleep is no rescue -
Because the devils in her dreams.
Demons, dying, monsters, heartbreak, torture, humiliation -
She can't escape the hell that invades sleep - and is still waiting for her when she wakes up.
An animal - poised to rip out her throat.
She wakes up already in the middle of a panic attack - praying only drowns her thoughts in thinking.
And every second of every moment of every day that she's stuck in her various prisons -
Drags on and digs into her like nails until she wishes she could just find the blood, find the wound -
So she could mend it.
No one else seems to be bothered like she is - no one else understands what it's like to live in panic.
Almost done with her 11th year but there's still always another. Another. Another.
Doesn't want to let her meds take over - because the second she falls asleep -
She'll have to wake up.
And waking up is the worst part.

It's not my fault you won't reply
It's not my fault you're bitter
But you don't and you're not and I seem to recall
That's it's me who is the quitter

Depression is - locking yourself in the bathroom at work for as long as you can get away with, and laying on the floor. Praying to fall asleep and wake up anywhere else.

I can hear your rejection
I can taste your disgust on my tounge
I know I am an infection
But we all get infected when we're young
Can you sense my abjection?
Can you see the resentment in my eyes?
I know I am a corruption
But we all get corrupted before we die

Sitting on the bathroom floor scrambling
To explain what's happening
I'm tired of hurting you
I'm tired of hurting
Worrying about us
Returning to nothing

Anxiety is getting quieter, but it's not gone. I feel it in my periphery, knocking and scratching. My walls are a little stronger today, and a little stronger everyday. But there's always that unwelcome guest tapping on my door. I hear it whispering through the boards, little lies I don't quite believe but I can't quite ignore. Each day is a fight.

Depression is a little louder today. Not quite loud enough to leak but it falls like rain on my roof. My roof is a little stronger today, and a little stronger everyday. But the rain still falls heavy and cold. When I find a leak, I patch it. Trusting the patches hold longer than I do. The rain makes me feel heavy and cold. Each day is a fight.

It's beautiful
The way you ignore me
Or rather
The way you turn away
And it breaks my heart
But you're still beautiful that way

No words. Joy. Tears. So happy for you both, she chokes. Psalm and pepper father proud to be the salt in his wound. Sparkly sparkly, she said yes, he says. Young, so young, so happy. Lifetimes to travel, wishes and kisses, footsteps they won't remember in the end, but that carried them to it. Love sweet love, how bitter you can be. Empty nest, a babies chest carried the heart that now belongs to him. Sparkly sparkly, my older baby brother so much older now he seems. She said yes . . . yes . . . yes  . . . yes.

She is so hopeless
She is so lost
She cannot write
Because she does not know the cost
She strives to be
Like all of us
But our words sing
And her words rust
With swears and yells
And spelling errors
She thinks that we see beauty
She wants to be like one of us
But writing is our duty
We love her though she's failing
She's making us ashamed
For we all know her
We all read her
So I will not speak her name

Rest well, my love
I have so much restlessness to give you
But you need to be there for it
Sleep well, my love
Because our darling dearest daughter won't care if you do
Eat well, my love
All the chocolate you want
Keep sweet on those bones
Laugh well, my love
I will provide you with many tears
Smile well, my love
You need the practice
Pray well, my love
In all your loneliness, in all my absence
You will always find Him
Stay healthy, stay strong
Love God, live long
Love me, and be
At peace
Amen

It's shallow
How you try to be so deep
And it's level
How you try to be so steep
It's sad
How you try to be so cheerful
It's quiet
When you try to give an earful
You're trying
And it breaks my heart to watch it
Because you're failing
All you seem to do is botch it

I love people that are far away
I don't see them but love them anyway

I love people that don't exist
My want for her will not desist

I love people that I didn't know I would
I love him in ways I didn't know I could

In a day of lust and longing
I listened for your step
And now I'm trapped at home
With a nasty case of strep

With all the love I've given
You'd think you'd given in
But if love is what I'm giving
Then love must be a sin

She danced the clouds, the twirling sound they made across the frosty sky
Her eyes the wings of birds and the shivering clumps of stars at night
The grass in between her toes and the bees stung upon her cheeks
Pearly tears on pale blue lips, crying at the way the Christians seek

If God is real, my legs have scales and I glitter in the shallow bay
Then the sky began to rumble and that God then tore her legs away
With hair on end and and eyes like sweet apple pies she thought
She fell asleep in a watery bed with pillars that were iron wrought

Still so surprised at being caught she lay with fingers stiff in thought
Is this my grave with creatures scaled and plants knotted and living taught
She realized then she had been wrong, inside her chest a stiff grey heart
Turned her face up to sky and let the rest of her body be torn apart

My darling
Don't ever believe you're boring
My darling
My darling
Don't ever believe you're nothing
When you're everything
My darling
To me
Sleep soundly
My darling
My darling
I can see the parting of your lips in sleep
My darling
Never forget I'm thinking of you
Darling
You're everything to me

Your eyes - they can't look at me right now, so I can't see their beautiful blue
But they belong to you
So I love them
Your smile - it doesn't light up your face today
But close my eyes and see it anyway
So I love it
Your lips - although they speak quiet and cannot kiss
Are my only escape and my bliss
And I pretend I can feel them
And I'm happy
Your fingers - although hesitant to hold me
Are warm and strong, completely wholly
Yours, and though they can't be mine right now
I love them, laying in your lap

To keep from collapse, I can always imagine you happy

I proposed to myself tonight
And fell asleep in your clothes
The fan blades hum a harmony
To the breathing in my dreams

Around every corner, they lurk
They jab their fingers in my sides
"I knew it was you, I knew it was you"
"You're an idiot"
"I'm ashamed of you"
"You will never be that clever"
My bruises have bruises
And my cuts have been cut
They lurk around every corner
Inside every rut
"You're stupid"
"Too young"
and
"You haven't much sense"
Though it will be forgotten
Less than a year hence

I realized something tonight
I realized that there is enough space next to me for you to sleep
A perfect you - shaped space -
Where you can lay -
And wrap your arms around my waist
I'll have to sleep spread eagle then
So I don't have to think about the fact that you aren't here to fill the space beside me
I've never slept well on my back
But I'll sleep worse if I can't pretend that I don't know you're gone

One day one of us will open a door
You might open a door to our new home
Carrying me across the threshold on your back
Or I may open a door
Carrying a stack of books
Or a picture of my face
Or a container full of take out
Or a bouquet of flowers
You might drop me on my feet and kiss me harder than you ever have before
Or I may walk slowly across the linoleum floor
My footsteps louder than they've ever been
I may hear the sound of music coming from our new bedroom
Or I may hear the sound of the machines keeping you awake
Or happy
Or even alive
You may smile at me
Or I may smile at you
You may take my hand and lead me to our marriage bed
Or I may take your hand and count the bones under your skin
You may kiss me
Or you may not be able to
We may finally be joined as one flesh
Or you may be moving farther and farther from me with every breath
But I will love you
And I will always love you

Billowing, malignant sentinel watches the door with dead eyes
I chase sleep in heaps under his dead nose - drifting through daydreams at one in the morning
Daydreams belong in the daytime he says with his dead mouth
Go **** yourself I tell his dead ears
You shouldn't be awake he whispers through dead teeth
You shouldn't be alive I growl at his dead face
He watches the door in dead silence
I don't feel any safer with him here
And yet nothing has tried to hurt me
And nothing will
I can see your laptop screen he says with a dead voice
Go **** yourself I say
As if he had the choice

I couldn't tell if he leant forward or backward in his chair
It was unclear whether is eyes were soft or steely
or if he was even looking at me
It was difficult to hear his inflection when he said
"You're really quite something. You know that?"
I didn't know if he'd find it funny if I said
"If I say yes, won't that sound a tad narcissistic?"
so i said it anyway

I couldn't tell if his eyes sparkled with inner mirth
or if they remained dull in the stupidity of my comment
He didn't convey intrest in me, nor disintrest.
He may have leant forward and he may have said
"Yes, but you didn't say yes did you."
He may have paused, then said
"You sound like you don't receive compliments like that too often."

He may have said compliment, I wasn't sure

I shifted uncomfortably and replied
"How can you tell?"

I think

I think he gestured with his hand to the fact that I was fidgeting.
"Because you don't know how to react."

I heard him that time.

Was he still looking at me?
I didn't know if I was offended or flattered.
But I did know that I took a deep breath and said
"I do know how to react. But I've heard using my sense of humour in situations like this pushes people away. . . apparently."
I think I was pretending to be serious.

I'm almost positive he was quiet for a while, still staring me down

or was he looking shyly?

And the stillness between us, that I'm pretty sure had settled, grew so long, I think I almost walked off.
That was until he smiled.
And the smile, I was sure about.

I've seemed to stop caring
What I'm wearing
Which you know I never do
I'm suddenly wary
Of the suddenly scary
I can't stop worrying about you

These people are disgusting. I guess that makes me disgusting too.

I'm surrounded by strangers. Isn't that funny to think about? Like being illuminated by darkness. I'm alone, surrounded by strangers and not a single one will ever know what I'm doing.

I'm so tired of everyone. They're all so mean. So inconsiderate. So stupid. OH MY GOD SO STUPID. How could You love them all? How could You love me?

I find myself encompassed
By effulgent, glimmering things
Beneath the tree are packages
Atop are angel's wings

I find myself encumbered
With all the charms of love
But in the world that you know
It falls from high above

You sit upon your suitors
Do their tears become your wine?
While you revel in favor
I will alight my shrine

I worship this one god, and by God he shall be mine

My love is murmurous
I do not shout for fear of being shouted down
My love is ineffable
I do not, cannot speak my mind
My love is gossamer
I do not care to braid it through my hair
My love is incipient
I do not intend to leave your side, until I can be by your side
My love is petrichor
I do not know its name, but I smell it after rain
My love is dulcet
I do not taste it anymore
My love is sick
I do not want to love you

Anxiety has - no power over me.
Depression has - no power over me.
My voice is my own. My voice is kind.

No other voice may rule my mind.

I saw a woman at school who looked a lot like you today. I was sitting outside History 111, waiting for class to start. She came walking down the hallway toward me but stopped a little ways away and sat. I thought she was you. But then I realized you would've had no reason to be there. This woman wasn't you - her hair was too short, her skin too light. On a second glance, I probably wouldn't have seen the resemblance at all. I think I just see your face a lot these days. You're often on my mind. I wonder how often I'm on yours.
I messaged you on Facebook a few weeks ago, telling you that I miss you. You didn't reply, I don't know if you even saw it. Your ex husband  spends a lot of time with us. It's nice to have him around, I really like him. He isn't you though. But you left.
You didn't just leave him Erin - you left all of us. You left me. It makes me feel like such a child, lying in the dirt and ******* my thumb, crying for you to come back. It's like when I was growing up, and I wished I could've hung out with the older kids but they always left me behind. It's an old kind of pain that I hoped never to feel again, but you've brought it all back.
I wonder if you loved me. I loved you, I still love you. You were like an older sister to me. I admired you every second you were near me. You brought me chocolate tacos and blood oranges and makeup and we talked and talked and you always made me laugh. I still see your parents, but it feels like they've left me a bit too. Your brother left a long time ago. And now you.
I miss you so much. I can't remember the last time I saw you. You just cut me out of your life, you cut us all out of your life. You abandoned me. And I'm so ******* furious with you.
But I pray every day that you'll come back. I miss you so much.

Binbyn

It wafts up from the South
Where it sleeps, eternally huffing
Thick and red like a ****** steak
February yearns to be over
The lazy month, cold and short
It can't wait to be done
So it begs the Summer to come
And it does
Swirling in flaming patterns past the coast
It breaks the knots in my hair
And whispers in my ear
Telling me where what I yearn for is hidding
Goading me to jump
Forcing me to fall
The Summer whispers secrets in my ears
And I answer its call

This is a soul wrecking
Flesh eating
Gut wrenching pain
Never to see you
Or touch you
Or hear you say my name
This is a heart breaking
Unending
Soul ******* pain

With a black dress in my arms
And a black phone in my hand
And a black look in my eyes
I stand outside the class
And nurture my despise

If my blood stayed blue
I'd be prettier for you
I'd sacrifice myself
To keep the fighting few

Yet my blood stays red
So I'll lay here in my bed
Writing poetry for us
Because I'll love you till I'm dead

A beautiful couple
Had a beautiful wedding
And they made a beautiful son
The son that would grow
The world to show
That I was his only one

I've held in my hands
Lost pieces of a lark
Over the fire they glinted
Vendetta of a broken heart
Earthly goods have worn them down
Yet they still hold their shine
Ours is not existing yet
Unlike you, it's all mine
Why is this my winter?
Yet you feel summer sun
And I curl in my corner
'Til I can hear you come
The way I feel is worthless

L. ove is a fickle mistress

My Father said it would be hard
My Mother said have fun
But what  they didn't think to tell me
Was that battles weren't always won
My Sister couldn't really care
Now that she found her love
She held his hand and fell asleep
Face pointed to the up above
My Father said he'd **** them all
My Mother said be still
But I didn't think to expect
There would be nothing left to ****
Friends would tell me stories
Of all the fights they won
And I couldn't help but wonder
If my fight was already done

Underneath the waning moon, a knight in shining satin strides, wandering through the waist deep tide, fish between his knocking knees, stroked behind his ears she sings, in ear canals and mountain steeps, he sighed in misty harshness, the shadows tied across his face. The sweetened sodden hair she stroked, miles away, he feels her raging though distance ever had a win, stroking his freshly shavened chin, he sighed like winding windy rustles, her hands hidden beneath the bustles, her dress so draped across her frame, he whispered all alone her name.

If you'd choose to marry me
I wouldn't mind at all
Cause you kiss me when I cry
And you catch me when I fall

-

I had to keep from calling out to God tonight
When my lips were pressed against your neck in the car
And you held me so so tight
You said I look teary eyed everytime you said something sweet
The truth is
I am teary eyed
I've never told you this
And I hope I never have to
But you've brought me to tears
Once or twice
I've grown to hate myself
And you showed me why I shouldn't
So when you told me tonight
That you'd consider marrying me one day
I kissed you hard and tried not to cry
And buried my face in your neck
Where I stifled a prayer
That God would let us be
That He would really give you to me

-

There was a moment
When A Better Place, A Better Time was playing in your computer
And your sister and brother were dancing in front of us
And you started singing along
I tried to kiss you
But you stopped me
And kept singing against my lips
I smiled and kissed you everytime the song paused
And you kept smiling and singing and kissing me
And I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with you

What is a shadow?
It copies me
It follows me
It knows my every move
It sits there while I'm writing this
Arm or leg?
With me, it's smooth
It knows my every twitch
Every shift, every slide
It copies me
It follows me
Unlike me, it will not die

I think you have too many shirts.
My closet is basically an overflow -
For yours.
I'm wearing one now.
It's hitched up over my nose so I can smell it.
It's red flannel, one of my favorites.
Your green sweater is on my floor.
It's lost your scent but -
It's still soft.
You really have too many shirts.
I'd have a garage sale but -
I like smelling them too much.
Sue me.

I've been called
The wise one
The smart one
"Born with a server's heart" one
The one with wet shoulders
Who doesn't cry herself to sleep
The kind one
The bright one
The "everybody's friend" one
The one who doesn't hurt herself
About the secrets that she keeps

But I'm the broken one
The hurting one
"Helping others has to save me" one
I love myself
Then hurt myself
Afraid to have to face someone

The salty smell of empty arms laughs, laughs
Whipping my hair through the brine
Fingers dancing, raw from the tide
Taste on my tounge, enchanting, romancing me
Shines with moonlight, hides with it
Digging in the sand, gritty between my teeth and knees
Broken glass, slipping from my grasp, blood coursing from my veins
How quiet can my footsteps be?
Walking toward the waves
Lifting, and falling, laughing at me
Eyes twist away, blinking rapidly
Too bright, too bright
Surging, burning, like a wildfire
Bleeding through my skin
Sobs drowned beneath the wind
They cannot hear me now
No time to say goodbye
Just regrets, all regrets for me
Shouldn't have said, away they fly
Cannot say goodbye.
The water laps, cools my skin, embracing me, inviting me
From birth it called, I stalled each time
My hot skin drenced with persperation
Tears and resignation
Cometh, Cometh
Drink from me
I will heal you
I will love you
You will not feel alone any longer
Like a lions roar I stand
Tall and beaten, in the sand
Toes curled, grains scratch skin
Though I can't feel it now
Breathing salty lonliness
Through my nose
I take that first step, foot pointed
Till it aches
The time has come, the Beast awakes
Diving in, and breathing fast
The water coursing through
Reminding me of you
And burning deeper hotter than
The hottest ray of sun
That ever burned whatever Man
Who stood here crying in the sand
Salt leaking in my lips
Drying the cracks
Turning my hips
My chest heaves in
The blood comes out
The stones are banging on my skin
My arms they flail
My eyes wide open
Burning like white flames
Beneath the sun
You're omnipresent
Can't run away
Last drop of empty arms
Grabs hold of me
Hair floating graceful patterns
Neck stretched, alabaster moonlight
And with that dreaded final thought
I desend into the depths of
Briny hate and salty steps
But with a new man on my side
The one who reaches with the tide

I find myself a worthy adversary
Though bruises wear my face
I find myself a challenge
A challenge, not a race
I have put up a **** good fight
And still I strive to win
But against myself, win I cannot
Suicide's an ironic sin

There's a girl in a green jacket
Who has nothing left but lies
There's another with a sweater
And a skirt a bit too high
There's a boy who likes the Seahawks
But I don't think he can read
There's a girl who wears tight flannel
And doesn't know how to plant a seed
Another one who pins her hair up
We used to be best friends
And a boy who wants to be someone
And is facing a dead end
A boy who everyone finds funny
I heard he ***** a girl last year
And a girl who acts "protective"
But just really wants to fight
In all this Teenage "Revolution"
There's just a pair of sparkly jeans
I'm the girl in the black hoodie
Who they think is mean

Anxiety is - waking up for work and being paralyzed in bed for 45 minutes by nausea, tightness in my chest and an oncoming panic attack. Once I can move, I'm late for work, so I ask to come in late. I lay in bed, sick, scared and writing poetry - hoping for something to save me.

This hand you cling so tight to
Why you think I'd ever fight you
Every leave you, ever go
Tell me why, I do not know

These eyes you love so dearly
Why you think they'd ever really
Look away, I am not sure
But there's no other him or her

It's only you,
It's only ever
This will always be forever
Here we are and here we'll be
While you are you and I am me

The second I say goodbye
The more I want to cry
Your name

But I'll wait until the day
You cry back and we will never be
The same

Congestion
Headache
Sore throat
Persistent cough
Hiccups
Insomnia
Sore muscles
Cold
Stress
Anxiety
Loneliness
Darkness
Irritated, itchy eyes
Dry skin
Exhaustion
Poverty
Poetry
And you
Not being here to help me

This can't be right
My heart whispered
Love shouldn't cut my wrists
Love shouldn't break my bones
Love shouldn't clench its fists
And tell me I will always be alone
This can't be right
My heart screamed
Love is kind
Love is unconditional
Love is never wanting

**Why do I do this to myself?