The slur in each word
The blurred state of vision
The muddled mind with fuzzy, mist like thoughts.
And yet,
The roar of unhindered courage
The strength of the desperation
That spends it's days tossing and turning in the background.
Always there, but never quite heard.

Come together and rise up and over
What is left of all logical thought.

You asked me once,
if I'd written about you.
I'd smiled as I shook my head.
With every word I write, a part of you settles on the page, amongst the ink that never dries fast enough.
Leaving smudges across the page.

I used to believe the reason I picked up a pen, sprawling ink along a once pristine page was to rid myself of you.
Word by word, drawing you out to settle amongst the ink that never dries fast enough.
I reflect on a night, spent with a lover.
My hands refused to settle,
agitated by the urge to write.
Long, shaking lines made up the letters trailing around my bare legs.
A whispered voice calls me to return, the urge is gone.
Perhaps the writing isn't for the abandonment of you. Perhaps it is the last of you - all I have now.
Muddled amongst the ink that never dries fast enough.

this is just me, pushing you away
all over again
though this time it's happening
whilst a smile is splitting my face

because maybe you'll listen
to the lies and the *******

maybe you'll leave
with your head held high and laughter spilling from your lungs

I have never felt the gutting feeling accompanied my the dismal from a job
over facebook chat
where all great things happen

where the man you loved told you its over
where you where told a beloved pet had died

where all emotion is stripped as you sit in the glare of the screen and hate them
hate them for being so weak
so pathetic
so utterly void of anything nearing compassion

so you shut the site down
remind yourself that you deserve so much more
than a lack of human emotion.

the hardest thing ive done this year
is be your friend
just your friend
just friends;

your heart was too broken
your head said no
a friend is what you needed
and at first I smiled whilst becoming just friend

that was until i noticed
how often i wanted to kiss you,
when i saw you looking my way

Is my forever
turning into broken parts of you?

Late night talks,
hours where the entirety of the world,
consists only of 'us'.

Early morning kisses,
lingering just a fraction too long.

So I don't know where this is going, but I don't think I ever truly do.
My mind is full,
full to the point of overflowing
But still,
I am alone.
Even the thoughts which constantly fight to gain attention are of no solace.
They do not make me feel alive
they do not make me feel at all.
With all of the happenings that are occuring you would think I would care
but there is no care left in me to give.
I do not even care for the bone and flesh that is my body.
How am i to care for anything else?
I often gather the blankets,
hide away from the world
at the bottom of my bed
where no one can get me
nothing matters
but the deepest darkness which surrounds my form
the heat from my breath which cannot escape so returns to warm me
the rough feel of the woolen blanket against my bare skin.
reminding me
that i am still a part of this crazy world
with all its living
breathing
feeling
things
my arms wrap tighter around my chest
fingers round ribs,
falling into the gaps between each bone
still pressing
still holding
the sharp taste of blood reaches my nose as
in a futile attempt to abait the darkness
each finger delves into fleshing.
pushing
pushing
until the blood rises

though still,
it comes
the screams and the fear