Imagine

Having an illness that impacts every facet of your life.

It’s there when you wake up, and when you go to sleep,

An illness that impacts all of your organs.

That ravages your personality and sense of self.

That destroys relationships, careers, and engagement in life...

And nobody supports you.

-

You are ridiculed, blamed. Told that you are stupid, need to snap out of it.

Others gossip about how you’ve been looking and acting.

You become bathed in shame so suffocating, it nearly drowns you.

Treatment is a long, arduous battle that many face on their own. Many are forced to keep up with work or school because this isn’t seen as a “real” illness. But you are essentially fighting yourself through the process. In fact, many can't even afford proper treatment.

If you don’t recover, the shame persists. You believe you’re defective and failed treatment, that it’s all your fault.

If you recover, nobody rings a bell. Few congratulate you or say much at all. Many who recover hit burn out, and are then questioned as to why they are burnt out.

The shame never escapes you.

I hope one day
Individuals with mental illness
Will be able to celebrate wins and have others support them in their low points
As if it is a completely normal and expected reaction.

Please support those near and dear
They are fighting a battle most would fear.

Education
Something that is revered for its ability to change people's lives for the better, help people escape poverty, change the world.

For me?
School almost killed me.

At face value, it doesn't make much sense.
I wasn't being bullied, ridiculed.
I excelled.

But without my identity as the "smart kid" and doing well in school, I thought I was nothing.
Had no other skills or values to contribute.
I tried hard to break free from this thinking,
Tried so incredibly hard,
But this feeling haunted me.
For many years.

I know that's harsh and not true, but my brain was hell bent on this reality.
So I pushed myself to untold lengths to excel in undergrad, tiptoeing on a balance beam, bad marks threatening to push me off the ledge.

No way to live.

Being out of school and in work I learned that I was so much more than a student.
A volunteer, friend, girlfriend, daughter, granddaughter, hiker, traveller, runner, baker, advocate, warrior.
This saved my life.

So it makes sense now back in full-time school again where memorization and multiple choice rules that I feel the familiar sensation that all I am is a student and a slave to school.
It makes sense the transition has been insanely difficult when I'm returning to what nearly killed me.

This time, I know better, I'm in control.
I will not allow school to take its toll.
I will protect myself and who I've grown to be,
and never let school be the end of me.

Internally, she crumbles.

She doesn't know where she's
been the past few months.
Living in a bad nightmare.

Depersonalization.
Derealization.

As the robot mask of herself
pulls her along.
Drags her through it.

As her personality fades,
Sense of self depletes.

Others question why,
or why she couldn't have prevented this.

"You should have known better" -
A phrase that feels like a dagger
piercing her heart.

Blame
Shame
Fault.

She's a bird with a broken wing.

Mere months ago, this wasn't the case.
She was a bird soaring high.
Felt helpful, useful, proud.
Ecstatic to be using her knowledge
for good and supporting and
advocating for those she cared about most.
Using her intelligence and learning.

How dare you shame her
blame her.
She has more guts and strength
than you'll ever know.
She conquered darkness,
a feat few can say.

She built a life worth living,
and now that's slipping away.

So call her flakey
Call her stupid

Judge her all you want.

But she knows she is powerful
courageous
brave
insightful
reflective

A force to be reckoned with
A phoenix rising from the ashes.

She'll shut other voices out
Listen to herself
Come to terms with her self doubt
and forge forward reclaiming her Self

In a flash,
the thoughts come back -
"you're fat".

Why?

This illogical phrase used to put me in a haze, made me a slave, to its demands I'd cave.

Broken.

My stomach feels bigger, so do my legs, does my face look fatter? Maybe it's what you ate. You need to fix it, or I will berate.

Watch it.

Weight gain not acceptable, definitely not allowed, do you really want to look like a cow? Punish yourself, less in, more out, look at you, you're just becoming more stout.

Silence.

These feelings are feelings, these thoughts aren't true. All they want is for madness to ensue.

Triggered by perceptions, automatic and vile, deeply convincing, at least for a while.

Now, deep down, I know the truth. I'm healthy and active, no more to do. Fluctuations are normal, restriction is a trap. These thoughts and worries are a big load of crap.

I'll move my attention, to more important things. The blueness of the sky, the joys of spring.

Growth.

Feel my hair in the breeze, hiking in the trees, laughing with friends, around food more at ease.

Triumph.

When we started dating
a therapist told me
"you shouldn't be in a new relationship right now"

Her point was valid,
I was in a rough spot
But a global pandemic happening
Wasn't my first thought

Our first date before
the whole world shut down
Confined to our homes
Changes abound

But deep down I knew
This was different.
I knew I was being conscientious
I knew this is something I wanted to do.

And here we are over a year later.

It terrifies me
That I can feel
This way
About another person.

You're a light in my life
Conscientious and kind
Accept me for who I am
And my sometimes messy mind.

I love our adventures.
You have taught me it's okay to be selfish
To do things just for me
To go outside and be active
Live more carefree
Yet you're still very driven
And respect that I am too
Always supportive
I truly love you.

Love

A scary word.
Scary to be vulnerable
In an uncertain world.

Attractive, strong, and caring.

Strange to say but true,
I wouldn't be who I am today
Without having been with you.

<3

Ed is beckoning me.

You could be lighter, thinner, better.
Feel those powerful bones.
Feel the control, the achievement.
This body is yours to hone.

No fat jiggling on your body
Firm skin and muscle is all
Feeling wispy, light and airy
Wonderful and small.

I just want to be thinner.

---

Girls across the world wishing for this
As they scroll through unlimited feeds
Young and impressionable
Fairly easy to do
Just don't eat.

But it can become an obsession,
Always wanting more
Always an imperfection to fix
Just another pound more

Diet, diet, diet.
Eat this, not that.
No carbs, no sugar, no processed food.
Keto helps get rid of fat.
The messages are relentless
They're everywhere we look.
We are so obsessed with our bodies
Diet culture has us hooked.

I worry about the younger generation
More exposure to images of thin
Sharing tips for what to eat in a day
Eating bread considered a sin.

That path leads to destruction.
A trap that holds you tight.
Where your world revolves around food and exercise
Though you feel depressed and lose sight.
Something you can't snap out of
Will almost take your life
As anxiety and depression consume you
But you just can't take one more bite.

We need to start glorifying balance
More images of normal people.
Rewire the way we think about food and exercise
Something more in the middle.

I'll continue to not listen to my thoughts
Though some days they scream very loud.
I don't need to be smaller.
I need to raise my voice and be proud

Things are better
that's for sure
but uncertainty envelopes me
For that there's no cure.

I don't know what I'm doing
Don't know who I am
Often fear the future that's coming
It feels like all a sham

Inadequacy consumes me
Despite the gains I've made
Sometimes wish I'd never done so well
Want to hide away in shade.

I'm still figuring out how to make sense of a world where privilege and opportunity determine the basis of your reality.

Where injustice and inequities are at every corner I turn.

Where people only really care about what affects themselves.

I see your pain and suffering
I see how it's so unfair
I guess all we can do
Is try to make others more aware.