In a flash,
the thoughts come back -
"you're fat".

Why?

This illogical phrase used to put me in a haze, made me a slave, to its demands I'd cave.

Broken.

My stomach feels bigger, so do my legs, does my face look fatter? Maybe it's what you ate. You need to fix it, or I will berate.

Watch it.

Weight gain not acceptable, definitely not allowed, do you really want to look like a cow? Punish yourself, less in, more out, look at you, you're just becoming more stout.

Silence.

These feelings are feelings, these thoughts aren't true. All they want is for madness to ensue.

Triggered by perceptions, automatic and vile, deeply convincing, at least for a while.

Now, deep down, I know the truth. I'm healthy and active, no more to do. Fluctuations are normal, restriction is a trap. These thoughts and worries are a big load of crap.

I'll move my attention, to more important things. The blueness of the sky, the joys of spring.

Growth.

Feel my hair in the breeze, hiking in the trees, laughing with friends, around food more at ease.

Triumph.

When we started dating
a therapist told me
"you shouldn't be in a new relationship right now"

Her point was valid,
I was in a rough spot
But a global pandemic happening
Wasn't my first thought

Our first date before
the whole world shut down
Confined to our homes
Changes abound

But deep down I knew
This was different.
I knew I was being conscientious
I knew this is something I wanted to do.

And here we are over a year later.

It terrifies me
That I can feel
This way
About another person.

You're a light in my life
Conscientious and kind
Accept me for who I am
And my sometimes messy mind.

I love our adventures.
You have taught me it's okay to be selfish
To do things just for me
To go outside and be active
Live more carefree
Yet you're still very driven
And respect that I am too
Always supportive
I truly love you.

Love

A scary word.
Scary to be vulnerable
In an uncertain world.

Attractive, strong, and caring.

Strange to say but true,
I wouldn't be who I am today
Without having been with you.

<3

Ed is beckoning me.

You could be lighter, thinner, better.
Feel those powerful bones.
Feel the control, the achievement.
This body is yours to hone.

No fat jiggling on your body
Firm skin and muscle is all
Feeling wispy, light and airy
Wonderful and small.

I just want to be thinner.

---

Girls across the world wishing for this
As they scroll through unlimited feeds
Young and impressionable
Fairly easy to do
Just don't eat.

But it can become an obsession,
Always wanting more
Always an imperfection to fix
Just another pound more

Diet, diet, diet.
Eat this, not that.
No carbs, no sugar, no processed food.
Keto helps get rid of fat.
The messages are relentless
They're everywhere we look.
We are so obsessed with our bodies
Diet culture has us hooked.

I worry about the younger generation
More exposure to images of thin
Sharing tips for what to eat in a day
Eating bread considered a sin.

That path leads to destruction.
A trap that holds you tight.
Where your world revolves around food and exercise
Though you feel depressed and lose sight.
Something you can't snap out of
Will almost take your life
As anxiety and depression consume you
But you just can't take one more bite.

We need to start glorifying balance
More images of normal people.
Rewire the way we think about food and exercise
Something more in the middle.

I'll continue to not listen to my thoughts
Though some days they scream very loud.
I don't need to be smaller.
I need to raise my voice and be proud

Things are better
that's for sure
but uncertainty envelopes me
For that there's no cure.

I don't know what I'm doing
Don't know who I am
Often fear the future that's coming
It feels like all a sham

Inadequacy consumes me
Despite the gains I've made
Sometimes wish I'd never done so well
Want to hide away in shade.

I'm still figuring out how to make sense of a world where privilege and opportunity determine the basis of your reality.

Where injustice and inequities are at every corner I turn.

Where people only really care about what affects themselves.

I see your pain and suffering
I see how it's so unfair
I guess all we can do
Is try to make others more aware.

I loathe you.

I’d finally gotten to a place,
happiness on my face,
accomplished and proud,
wanted to sing out loud

But that’s
                     all
                             gone.

My body is my enemy,
a never-ending foe
I’ve tried hard to move to acceptance
Neutrality in the least
Yet here I am still angry
My body is a beast.
Hypersensitive to every touch
Every feeling I endure
Extra pounds and never-ending fat
I hate it, that’s for sure.

How’d I let this happen?
Get so out of line?
I crave stability
Need it.
For my small smile to shine.

This self hatred is deep seated
This failure hits me hard
Need to do my best to stay on track
Make sure to keep up my guard.

Is this delusional?
Probably.
Most would balk at my self critical remarks.

But until I can get back to where I was
My mind will be in the dark

I know I've gained weight
Not too too much.
Enough for me to notice
To pick apart and ****
Cry tears of failure,
I'm a body positive fraud.

I finally liked my body
Didn't hate all that I see
But now that that is gone,
I can only blame me.

Is this me or the "illness"?
That I don't know
I really want to fix this
Don't want to grow and grow
But therapy's taught me different
Can't listen to that voice
The one that screams and yells,
"THIS WAS ALL YOUR CHOICE
You're fat, lazy, inadequate,
what the hell have you done,
you'll grow and grow forever,
weight gain never done."

Part of me wants to listen
Part of me wants to fight
Part of me wants to give up
I'm tired of this smite.

My obsession with idealized perfection
is an infection
that's leading me in the wrong direction.

Perfect is non-existent.
But our culture still wants us to strive
Make money off our insecurities
Profits they want to drive

I'm going to practice acceptance
Less attention to this societal mess
I've more to do than look perfect.
Going to just do my best
to be a person of value
kind, caring and strong.
That is what's been best for me
Truly all along

The way you make me feel is unspeakable.
And I normally have a lot of words.

You’ve completely changed my life
Helped me see myself in a new light

Quench the emotional intimacy I crave
Make me believe I don’t need to be saved

Altered my way of viewing the world

I’ve been alone for so long
Fiercely independent
Learned that I have to rely on myself.
Take myself to appointments
Don’t burden others with your problems
Stay quiet

With you in my life, not any more.
I can be open and honest and not fear you’ll run away
Talk to you about my struggles that come up through the day
Feel loved and supported regardless of what I say

Magic.

Your companionship
Your hugs
Your being.

Bring joy to my life
I’m grateful I met you
Grateful for your heart
Grateful I took a chance
This is only just the start