It’s a struggle waking up everyday
It’s a struggle having to smile
It’s a struggle to hold back familiar tears
I’m tired of living a lie

I entertain these bizarre thoughts
Dreams and scenarios in my head
Such a mess, such confusion
The same thing over and over again

I wish I could stop obsessing
I wish I actually had a life
God, I wish I could let you go
And finally cut all ties

But in reality, I know what I’ll do
It’s gonna be hard to closeup
I’m sick of always having around
You’re just a toy I’ll never give up

There lies a closed door in all our lives
In love or friendship, hardships or tries
Between you and me, there is one such door
Which I long to open rather than look through the hole

But there it stands, gathering rust
Waiting to be re approached, like our trust
For you, my dear, don't have the key
And I'm too scared to find out what will be

We try in vain, the hammers of words
To break the barriers, to re emerge
But all it does is dully ache
And slowly away our memory it takes

So I look through the hole
With a hope that's nauseating
That you too are looking through it
That you too are waiting

The Whirring of the fan in the dark
As I lay on the cotton sheet
Sleep eluding me, perspiration finding me
This blasted Delhi heat

In the burning orange of the noon
The rickshaw tires play with the dust
And all is silent like a black n white film
It's just screaming in the color of rust

Neem trees, dried leaves
And the buzzing of the evening flies
Time to chase the ice lollies vendor
As the temple bell tolls by

Along comes the night again
Heaving and spewing, choking on fiery stars
Already restless for the next season
Oh why are Delhi winters so far

I can't write like you do
I can't really compose
Grace has always eluded me
In movement and in prose

You write of such big things
But they are still all the same
Me? I can't really toy
With ideas so insane

I'm not a professional wordsmith
My art hasn't been trained
When I write, the words flow easy
Unabashed and Untamed

You and your words are sculpted
Precisely, with finesse
But with a subdued gloss and lack luster
So twisted so suppressed

And now I see my dear self
Finally in a clear way
Not in my movements or in the glass
but on my inked page

So if you ask me, dear self
Which cage do I choose?
I'd choose my dented brass one
Instead of your golden noose.

There's so much to do, so much to say
But words always get in the way
Restricting the meaning, the true emotion
Showing the anger, hiding the devotion

It's a strange thing, a cause of distress
How words are the reason we can't really express
A fake freedom granted, without an end
Restricting any chance to actually comprehend

I want to tell you so many things
Words, that only happiness bring
There is still so much left to say
But, words always get in the way

These floating possibilities in my head
End in happiness, end in dread
To which oft I ignorant lay
Unknown to reality, a protected stray

Whirring continuously in my mind
Warring for supremacy, these thoughts wild
Always encounter, always collide
Like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Blurry shapes sometimes do take the form
Of a thousand suns, of a thousand storms
Re Materialize then again
Poking and teasing my strained brain

These lingering "could be"s stay afloat
Demanding my attention, demanding me to take note
That I still am right where I was
With an un acknowledged uniqueness and deliberate flaws

Innocent eyes, Innocent lives
the day the world lost it's light
In times that are so dark and dreary
Hope only breeds eternal misery

Little toddlers trickling in
preteens just going about
Teenagers just about to begin
All like chalk, were wiped out

Witnesses to horrific crimes
it'd have been better if they were blind
What was their fault, i ask
they hadn't even begun their lives

One death murdered two
a child's death killed his parents too
What was their pathetic excuse
to embarrass humanity,such abuse

Oh those young supple lives
How great was love's demise
So many worlds jolted with shock
Of how humanity came to a full stop.

Let’s climb up the bed and adjust the fluff
Let’s just sleep because being awake is so tough
Let’s shut the blinds and draw the curtains
Let’s be comforted by the mild darkness so certain
Let’s close the windows and shut the doors
Let’s be embraced by those welcoming blackholes
Let’s leave everyone else out just you and me
Because all I really want is some privacy.

Slipping off the luscious ivory 
Tumbling fingers melting to nature's symphony 
A dip here, a hustle there 
The strings bent in their own misery 
But a gentle uprising, still beginning 
Coursing
            Burning
                      Waiting 
The pulsing anger in the soulful sound 
Ebbing away gently to be bound 
By the shackles of self, isolated limitations 
Flowing reflectively in its melodious imitations 
A broken heart looking for solace
 But finding music instead 
Tinkles hopefully
                          Chiming
                                    Turning 
Realizing that it's too soon to be dead...

Guess I should've written it down
Long ago when it had entered my mind
It's  like all the ink bled right out
From the pen I've been ignoring for a while
Almost as if the words got tired of being tired
And walked away from this tunnel of a mind
They dutifully packed up their bags and left
Trudged on into the night
And try as I might now, to place that typewriter
The sounding of the keys sounds hollow
just like the clanging of fake jewellery maybe I've lost it, maybe I never had it
And finally has that realisation dawned
This is all just a rant anyway
I haven't slept properly in too **** long

I've Started reading my old works
My own literary corpses
From other places, other times
And lives I used to don

I've started meeting my old words
Like those friends forgotten
The ones, that even though have left
Still linger in the niches of my heart

I've started thinking of my past feats
Instead of my present failures
I gaze longingly at this visage of time
To make up for my lost delights

I've started questioning myself
My beliefs, my dreams and me
If I shed this cloak of apathy
What will I really be?

I've started something,  I'm not sure
But it's something unimportant
As it's just for me, my own tryst
But I've started finally.

My poetry lies there forgotten
Amidst the bustling crowd
Piled up books weighing it down
Books about practicality, books about reality

My poetry is still bursting
With possibilities of magic and of love
Ah! But the weight of logic
Weights down upon it

My poetry is all I rely on
Because the real world
Is too much to carry with myself
So I don't let it in

My poetry is my only visitor
On days when all is lost
It comes passionately, doesn't stay for long
And it retires exhausted

My poetry is.
My poetry was.
But, will my poetry be?
Ah! My poetry is 'me'

I loved you
That was my Hamartia,
You lost me.
and that is yours.

Cries shrieks and guttural sounds
They form the chorus of the war
While the thumping of hooves
And clashing of swords forms the tempest
In the weather of war
Thick fog or maybe it's the smoke of burning flesh
Lies heavy upon the ground
While the battle sets are painted muddy and red
From the amalgamation of the flesh torn wounds
into a big throb of disgusting comedy
There is no escaping from this purgatory
Except maybe the moment when one lies cut open on the ground and heaves his last breath

People are better when you don't know them
They can be whoever you want them to be
It's not the same when you get to know them
Their reality limits them  
I think that's the problem,
I've put everyone that I find the teeniest bit interesting up on a pedestal
Why do I forget that they are humans. Just humans.
Guess you don't have to be religious to be into idolatry

More than once storms do arise
In the shaky waters of my dark lies
And though some see reflections of hope
The transient waters change my ability to cope

These liquidities always blur the contour
In their chance to ******, in their chance to lure
And though some may easily drown
Some still look on with a pious frown

But the waters never cease to amaze
Me at my own own lies and games
And thus, ignorant of my own depth
I drown in these waters, these cheats adept

For how can you expect lilies to bloom
In this mud of charlatans all to be doomed
And how can you expect me to rise
From the dark shaky waters of my own lies

Your touch sends jolts of
Electricity crackling along
My skin, creating rifts
Like an earthquake does on the
Ground. You split me into halves two-
What I am now & what I was before you

Your voice drenches me
Like a tsunami wave, from
My head to my toes.
In your decibels I'm soaked
And I'd rather be wet and high
With you than dry and low

Your words are tornadoes
Wreaking havoc And I'm the
centre eye. They're All I hear
and see. Even your Chaos
appeals to me and Is what
I want to be Surrounded by

**** boy, you're a natural disaster
Waiting to happen.
And like Any smart rat
I know I should flee
But I want to be wrecked by you
You're my very own calamity

In the creeping halt of cars
When the signal turned red
I saw him on the pavement
There he was that sleeping man
In the blistering heat, On the Bed of stones
I came across him as accidentally as one
stubs a toe on the edge of a table
-and as painfully too-
I wondered who he was, What he had been and
what he had become
Did he have a family? Someone to wake up for?
I also wondered how easily I could pity him;
And not extend the same sympathy to my own self
  But of course the only answer he graced me with
Was his raspy snore, Breathing in and out, in and out
So peaceful. So raw. So oblivious.
I wished him sweet dreams.
The signal turned green and the world was awake and moving again

I wish I could roll you up in a joint
Lick that dry paper with the wet pad of my tongue
and smoke you all day long
Your words get me high
They are so abrasive masculine and rough
I want more
Not that I'm going to tell you
Being one of the many lovestruck
Is too much for my ego
I am more of a far away observer
Immersed but distant
You're a guilty pleasure and a secret thrill
Not that you'll ever know
Because I'd rather burn far from you
Than turn to ashes in front of your
eyes
You see pretty you may be
But you're still just one of the guys

Oh Dear Silence, who do you conceal?
Is someone there, or to a shadow I speak
I call out once and then restrain, a tiring act
Is someone there or not? Are you there for a fact
Sometimes, you respond, depends on your blues
Me? I'm just happy to get an answer from you
It leaves my stingy, this emotional hide-and-seek
For once and for all will you truly speak
Happiness on one, doubt on the other hand
Emotions so extreme, for once something bland
Would actually suffice, would be okay
Just tell me this once, Are You Going To Stay?

There he lies, the one I love
Separated from me by 6 feet of soil
And every day so many people pass by
And they look on with unperturbed eyes
Have veiled conversations about how he died
These people, the majestically impaired
Carry on with their scattering lives
But I still go there and my fingers lightly touch
The stone that now shows your name
And trace its cold permanent outline
like I used to touch your warm face
And though these tears make it hard to see
They can never block the image of your smile
And though the heavy silence presses upon my ears
I hear your faint laugh echo in the light.
Oh it's torture to be able to feel but not to be able to feel you here
So I make my way back to your stone and trace the outlines with my tears

let's go hunting tonight
i'm in the mood to don my armour
let's go slay, let's ignite
i'm feeling like a carnivorous flower

I paint my nails red
the colour of blood
and soon this color will
adorn my tongue

i darken the tints
to match the hue
of my intentions tonight
of what i'll do with you


of lithe movements and pretty lies
watch you fall for my honey eyes
of sweet perfumes and deja vu
you'll be my number twenty-two

finally some idea in your eyes
realisation of danger to your life
ah but my friend you're too late
my lips have already sealed your fate

with a ferile roar this all ends
before you can move or comprehend
the red of my nails matches the red of my teeth
temporarily sated, a beautiful beast

it's another night, another time
i'm in the mood to go hunting tonight
number twenty-three soon to be dead
And i'll just paint my nails blood red

They fall in love with her
Because she's mean
They like the chase
They just don't know
That she doesn't get caught
While I'm beside standin still
And they don't see me
Won't see me till
She runs away or breaks their heart
And they come to me to mend their parts
They say I wish I'd fallen for you
You'd never treat me like she'll do
And I smile because it's true
I'd like to think so too
But that wouldn't happen, They won't fall for me
You see Boys only want love when it's agony

It's times like these
When my usually tiny gaps
Tear into huge chasms
They are waiting to be filled
With what, I don't know
With who, I'm scared to know
But it's when I'm gaping wide like this
That the words start to trickle out
Like ****** mud stains under wet flowerpots
All I know is that I don't know
I am empty and hollow, devoid of
Something I'm not even aware of
Such a comic tragedy, wouldn't you say?
It's like Hepburn said
I can handle the murky blues
But I can't handle the Reds-
Those moments when I don't even know why I'm so uneasy
Maybe it's been too long since I have been challenged
Or maybe I'm just flaky,
fluttering from one inconsequential thing to another;

Ah, If only knowledge of my incompleteness could make me complete
...I'd be bloated by now

The night is mine, it's darkness my own
It doesn't question my moves
It leaves me peacefully alone
For in the day I wonder
For in the day I wander
Aimless,  hopeless and oh so plain
Ah! But the night is magical
Possibilities lurking in every shade
Just me and the world, no pretense
Just me and myself,  finally making sense.
In the daylight I slog, far too uncaring
In the night I'm almost graceful, beautifully daring
So I split the day, divide it into parts
These slots of sunlight,  one for each shard
Of my hidden abilities, my overriden self
To carry into the dark , when I delve in myself
And this is how I set my nights ablaze
I call the darkness my own but still light up the grays

My bed is an island
And I, its sole inhabitant
It used to be a coven once
Long long ago
When I used to lay with you
Tangled,  like the headphones you kept misplacing
But now it's almost bare even though
I've placed a thousand fluffy pillows
(just the kind you hated)
And I go to sleep knowing that
Nobody else can get in
Cuz I'm on a freaking island of my own
Isolated even from isolation.

I whisper poems in your ears when you've fallen asleep
Half wanting to be heard and half wanting to stay safe

I leave maps all over kitchen counters for you
The ones that are so Easy to read that even I would be able to make sense of them

I turn my head to look back at you while I'm walking away, Just like they do in those movies I've memorised
But you get swallowed up by the people too **** easy for me to be able to meet your eyes

I sing my jokes and laughs in the valley of your sadness and when they echo, they reverberate in pride
-Oh to be the one who made you laugh-
But my own sighs fall flat on your ground, I can't deal with my own grief, the only impasse

I swallow my wooden ego down My throat
-I will always swallow gladly-
And open my mouth to get you to open yours
But your silence has become my frequency

We've run out of things to say and games to play
But we still keep on rolling the dice
I have a thing for love but my lover is distance himself
No wonder then that abandoning you is the only love poem I know how to write

bombarded with outer perfection
surrounded with glamour
is any woman portrayed
in her real manner?

You give me make up to hide behind
you write blogs that tell me to be attractive
you govern my beauty with your outlook
and say you want me natural as it is

What a hoax!
If you wanted perfection, buy a barbie doll
it is less expensive and has the emotions you demand
If you wanted ***, talk to your hand
Your preferences are polished yet so bland
If you want glamour, go and read
a barbaric and well-suited magazine
But if you want a woman who's real and true
Don't look at billboards, look in front of you

Walking barefoot head swaying
To the music that the moon plays
only for me on nights like these
My hair scraping the very shoulders
That stand proudly arched back
  Under  dark windy skies
  But otherwise stoop with the sun's weight
I could say that I am tangled
Or maybe I toy around with the idea
of being a mess,   One who's knots you'll lovingly detangle
With your calloused inked fingers.
I dream with open eyes
And surround myself with longing sighs
I'd rather experience you as a pain
Than not remember you at all
That's what these nights do to me
They Take my movements and turn them into a ballad
If only daytime was as light

i give free tours of my mind palace
to anyone who reads my words
the gates just open themselves
as you devour what you read of my world

such easy access for you
never thought to put a lock on my views
drink up, my lovelies the drinks of my lines
feast on all of the poems i write

go ahead my darlings, judge what i've said
tourists like you only pounce on my shreds

When did I grow up?
Was it when Santa never came
Or the no of candles grew on my cake
Was it when I got to see
That Maturity often leads to misery
Or adults aren't perfect, they ***** up
You've to work hard for forgiveness and harder for love
Was it when problems began to change
From candies and hopscotch to heartbreaks and pains
Was it when I realised that God
Wasn't everywhere, had to be found
Or everything you think isn't supposed to be said
That some feelings may never fully be dead
Was it when I saw how dark people could be
They spoke so well but didn't mean a thing
Or that the ones you love can become sick and go,
That there's such a thing as being truly alone
I guess it was when my awareness started to show up
*Ah, Why the hell did I grow up?

Sister,
You are my skin
My bones,
My blood,
You're flowing through me
You ARE me.

I feel you.
Rushing in my veins when something exciting happens,
Because whatever it is, I'm rushing to get it to your ears.

I feel you.
Pounding in my head like the reverberation of a deep bass song

I feel you.
When I hug our mother and you're not there to hijack that hug
Or when no one argues with me when I say that I'm the favourite kid.
I'm not the favourite kid.
I promise I'm not.

I feel you.
I've grown up watching your smile take over your whole face so when something makes those very lips tremble and cry, I taste it in my own mouth like acid.

I feel you.
Every hit and every blow that you have ever felt is a bruise that I have tried to heal on my own body.

I feel you.
So deep inside that unreachable part of me that to hug you I sleep in a foetal position, all bent inwards.

I miss you.
So much that my throat constricts and expands and constricts, as if I'm trying to choke myself

But THAT is where I finally stop.

I stop myself
Because you said that
If I don't breathe,
Then you don't breathe.
And you,
You better keep on breathing.