One day she may beg for your forgiveness.
One day he may come back crawling.
One day they may want to sort things through.
They may want to get back what was lost because they miss you...

But for now they are walking away from you...

Accept me for me.
And I will accept you for you.
I won't judge you or hold grudges against you, I won't make you feel inferior neither will I act like your superior.
I'll do my best to be support you and stick with you even if you hurt me...

But accept me for me, I'm a little messed up, crazy and bipolar.
I am what people call different?
I am what people call a social outcast because I am all in one a ****, a nerd, a geek or whatever you call it.
I'm a bookworm, a wallflower, I like to stick on my own but I do like to go out.

I'm not a serious person because being serious comes with horrific memories of my past so forgive me, forgive me for being childish, its a defence mechanism against this Canvas of pain that surrounds me...

Accept me for me and I'll accept you for you...

Please don't cry...
Please keep trying, please stop crying.
Stand tall keep fighting.

I can't do this on my own, my body is wounded filled with bruises, scars and burns all figuratively and literally.

Please stop crying.
Your tears are causing step dad to hit mum harder, causing my real dad to brand me, my grand dad to wash me in blood, the type he used to hurt her.

Please stop crying.
Please show some strength because the more they see this the more their opportunity to hurt me rises.

They see pleasure in my pain, their greatest treasure is this huge stain in my heart.

Please stop crying, at least stand tall for mummy.
Take her pain and don't show it, smile to irritate them, so they at least focus more on you...

Please stop crying to save her.

Being with you has to be one of the most heart wrecking thing I've ever experienced.

Surrounding myself with you and communicating with you is a constant reminder of how much I'm falling for you while you're intensively falling for him.

I never loved you...

The truth is what I felt for you was greater than love itself.
Cliche of me to say that I know but people always find a way to describe Love and I couldn't do that with you.

I couldn't sit myself down and rehearse to the walls a heart melting speech on how I love you... I couldn't get my heart to even say those words.
It didn't feel right.

It didn't feel right to the extent that my mind and heart agreed that saying these words would feel like I'm adding a faint colour on my canvas of broken dreams, lost hope, abandonment, lies and far much worse things than pain.  

It never felt right to do that because when I first met you my world never stopped neither did the universe instead they began to move as if I've been stuck on pause for a really long time and you were my play button, you began my life.

I never loved you... But I swear I was always in Love with you and that's why I could never do what they did.

"Mummy can we dream?, can we pretend we're not living in the streets?
Can we pretend to be high and mighty sipping on some coffee with cream?
Can we mum?"

"Mummy can we dream? Can we pretend the muffled screams are sounds of joy rather than pain?
Mummy can we please?"

"Lets pretend dad's here, he's happy and you're not crying yourself to sleep.
Can we pretend that I don't have these scars and that my uncle never hit me with beer bottles, lets pretend he bought me a teddy named cuddles".

"Mummy can we dream?"
"Can we pretend Aunty never killed herself and that Granddaddy never pulled the trigger on Grandma?"

"Please mum lets pretend?"

I wish they weren't memories, that they never existed. That they weren't dreams that haunt me each night.
That they weren't thoughts that run around my mind each day.
I wish they weren't real because the more I think about them the more the heartbreak becomes real, the more my eyes start to water and my mind starts to  seek blame on my heart when it knows it wanted just as much as my heart wanted.
I wish I'd stop thinking, just for once, Because for once a day without you would heal what's left of me.
I wish I could forget every single touch that sent a fiery burn on my skin, that I'd forget the tingly kisses you trailed down my neck, the sound of your husky filled with lust voice.
The look you would give me as if trying to decipher me, the look that seemed to only belong to me. I wish they weren't real, that they never existed because I'm still hurt and I don't know how to move on.
How do I move on anyway? You refuse to return my heart back.