As children, when Lucy pulled away the football, it was cute.
Back then I could laugh about it and I didn't give a hoot.
But now that I'm fifty-one years old, it isn't cute anymore.
Yesterday, Lucy pulled away the football like the many times before.
I punched her really hard and I knocked that **** to the ground.
Here came Linus to defend his sister and I had to take him down.
I pounded on his head and I crammed his blanket up his ****.
Schroeder joined in and I knocked him out with an uppercut.
I even had to beat up Peppermint Patty.
Maybe I shouldn't have called her a fatty.
Charles Schulz made me lack self confidence when I was a kid and that wasn't good.
If I could travel back in time to beat the crap out of him, you'd better believe I would.

When I went to Las Vegas, I lost all of my money and I also lost my wife's entire life savings.
I have no hair left on my body because she grabbed my electric razor and started shaving.
I told her to calm down and that she should be forgiving.
That really ****** her off and I'm lucky to still be living.
She said she was forgiving, she was for giving me a swift beating.
My jaw is wired shut and the doctor told me to forget about eating.
For only twenty-four hours, the Golden Corral was giving everybody a free buffet.
But I can't even eat one morsel of food, so I had to turn it down, I've seen better days.
My wife is so ferocious that if she was a dinosaur, she would be a T-Rex.
I learned something as she kicked my ***, she's not the weaker ***.
Her life savings came to a total of ninety grand.
She was my supervisor at work and I was canned.
She's so furious because of what I did that she's thinking about getting a divorce.
She sold my car to get some of her money back and I'm using a buggy and a horse.
I'm scared because of the angry and violent way that she has been behaving.
You'd better listen when I tell you not to gamble away your spouse's life savings.

A man murdered his stepdaughter and framed me for the crime.
I was arrested and found guilty by a jury and I had to do hard time.
He blew his stepdaughter's head off because she refused to sleep with him.
He tried everything he could to get what he wanted but she wouldn't give in.
She was a good girl and she would not betray her own mother.
He murdered her in cold blood, that's how little he thought of her.
I was the gardener and I had a crush on the man's stepdaughter.
But he set me up, he made it look like I was the one who shot her.
He hid the ****** weapon in my apartment.
When the cops found it, jail was where I went.
While doing hard time, the thought of getting even kept me from coming unhinged.
The only thing that kept me going was knowing that I would eventually get revenge.
Getting revenge wasn't just something that I wanted, it was also something that I needed.
But that scumbag died just one month before my release, so when it came to getting revenge, I was cheated.
I wanted to torture that pervert and when he truly suffered, he would die by my hand.
I wanted him to beg for mercy he wouldn't receive and I truly wanted to **** that man.
I'm thinking about committing suicide because I was unable to make him pay.
How can I go on when my chance of getting revenge has been taking away?

I'm one of the owners of a trucking company that's called STD.
Nobody will hire us, even when we offered to work for free.
The STD stands for Simpson, Taylor and Drees.
But people think it stands for sexually transmitted disease.
My partners suggested that we rename our company to DTS or TDS.
But I'm Simpson and I founded the company, so I refused to say yes.
You don't see any of our trucks on the road because people are afraid of us.
They think we have Aids or ****** and it causes a lot of anger and disgust.
We don't have an STD, so please hire us, I'm so desperate that I'm willing to crawl.
If you don't hire us, I'll personally come to your house and kick you in the *****.

We have very little money so we're living in our truck.
We are in need of shelter but sadly, we are out of luck.
My wife's dad offered to give us shelter but we had to obey his rules.
I turned him down, some people call me a rebel, others call me a fool.
I would **** to have a bed that is nice and soft.
Winter is coming up so we'll freeze our ***** off.
When a man cussed my wife and I out, he had the mouth of a sailor.
He beat me up because we secretly moved into his travel trailer.
He said we could've lived in his travel trailer if we had asked first.
As he beat me senseless, I thought I would be hauled in a hearse.
We are both broke, people certainly can't say that we have big bucks.
Because I'm a rebel who won't live by rules, we'll continue to live in our truck.

It's that time of the month again, your rent is due.
You'd better pay up or I'll beat the hell out of you.
Don't try to get out of paying again, I don't want to hear an excuse.
Stop trying to get pity by saying you were a victim of ****** abuse.
I want my money, I don't want to hear excuses or lies.
When it comes to giving me an excuse, don't even try.
Do I get my money or do you get a beating?
Pay me or my fists are what you'll be eating.
You just insulted me, you said that I'm so fat that I look like the Goodyear Blimp.
I just punched you in the face and you've started crying because you're a wimp.
Stop blubbering like a two year old, be mature like an adult.
And I will permanently disable you if you hurl anymore insults.
I'd like to avoid sending you to the emergency room and myself to jail.
Just gimme my **** money, I'm getting tired of having to raise hell.

A Wizard gave my cousin two choices, become an ogre or praise the new Doctor Who.
It took less than five seconds for him to choose what to do.
He chose to become an ugly green ogre even though it will be for the remainder of his days.
He chose to be an ogre because the new Doctor Who TV show isn't something he'll ever praise.
He became an ogre two years ago and this morning I learned that he doesn't regret it.
He doesn't regret his choice even though he's so ugly that he makes Shrek look like Brad Pitt.
When he was given the choices, he was expected to praise the new Doctor Who.
He has always loved the original Doctor Who TV show but he sure does hate the new.