I'm overcome with sadness

It's not the biting sadness
  The choked sobs
that are brought about
by the jolt of a sudden death
or the fresh sting of
a broken relationship

It's not the aching sadness
  The somber introspection
of missed opportunities,
of wasted days
of long lost loves

It's not the oppressive sadness
that depression brings,
wrapping around your head
in suffocating silence
that leaves you numb to the world
that makes you believe that happiness was
only a fairy tale

Rather...

It's the warm sadness
as the tinges of autumn begin to show
and you realize that the summer
was never meant to last forever

It's a familiar sadness as you realize
that everyone changes
and the person you once were
no longer exists, for better or worse

It's the sadness that nostalgia
tows along with fond memories
of summer vacations
of drunken antics
of foolish lust
of fading friendships

The sadness that tells you that
"Things will never be this way again"

But also reminds you that they were never supposed to be

   and that's perfectly alright

one day you'll ask me why
i hate the smell of beer,
and i'll have to tell you
it filled the air when he hit her,
then you'll notice
how i avoid red wine,
and i'll look away to say that
she reeked of it when she screamed at me,
you'll pick up on
how much ***** makes me gag,
and i'll be ashamed to tell you
i washed it out of my hair at 3 am while sobbing,
i'll push away jack
and you'll be sure to ask why,
and i'll cry and tell you
i can't remember why i hate it,
that i can't remember much at all

and then you'll know who i was
when i wasn't me

I still remember all the stuff I did
when I was just a little kid
such warm memories
of chasing squirrels and climbing trees
running free and flying kites
I would never flee getting in fights
so much energy riding bikes
no such jeopardy going on hikes.

I would sit for hours
and imagine I had super powers
where I could fly
across the fields
and wave at passersby's
on tops of hills
I used to read so many books
and didn't care about the way I looked
please bring back that small child
so once again I can truly smile.

I believed the world was full with good
that everybody had some food
I guess my parents protected me
so reality I couldn't see
when really its filled with so much bad
where half the world is starving
and the other half sad
why would anyone want to have a child?
to raise them in a world so desolate and wild.

Sometimes I wish I was still ten
but this is now and that was then
I may no longer have my innocence
long since squandered for independence
free to travel where I could only dream
and see the things I've never seen
so I may not smile so easily
or still laugh as freely
but I can love you dearly
for now I understand
so clearly
what it means when you hold my hand
and what it's like to truly kiss
I now know what love really is
not a word thrown about in playgrounds
but something grown from the heart that pounds
only when you are around.

So if I had my time again
to live my life from the age of ten
I wouldn't worry about the little things
or care what the future brings
I would seize every opportunity
Instead of living my life so fruitlessly
I may only write nothing but the truth
but it means nothing without my youth.

You opened your sun roof,
It'd been hours
Your arm around me,
No man-made move.

We started at the stars,
You let out your thoughts
And I couldn't believe who you'd become,
Who you are.

You'll never be mine,
I will never be yours
But in that moment
I wanted a little more.

As time progressed
And the stars dimmed
I laid my seat back
And let you do the rest.

The music playing
Got lower
And as your lips found mine
I'd forgotten everything we'd been saying.
Time had paused,
We were back to that time when we were
Kids
and the stars soared.

No truth in the air,
Your hands on my hips
No internal despair.

18, 19.
The stars are out
And the boy I once saw,
Once wanted
Is finally seen.

But the sun will come up,
And the sun roof will close
And time will resume
And we will never again be as close.

... and if my tears cried a million oceans
Each would whisper your name
My heart is broken
I will never be the same




❤I love and miss you Mum ❤

You are the one,
the one and only one.
Without a doubt beyond.
you are the reason I begun.
My soul was made for you,
for you are the one.