Mostly it's reversed, this time, not.
Rejection equals friendship in a way
unimagined. Now it's all I've got.
For the moment I notice, the second
I see, just when I know you'll never
love me. I turn it off, I cut it out.

The feelings disappear all at once.

I'll never look at this the same,
open my mouth with such unfair shame.
Of care I took and time I spend, hoping
to blend, in a different way, I guess I am
happy, and hope you will stay, a part of
my life, as a friendship resemblance.

I'll search again, for more prominence
in eyebrows, this time.

the little brown sparrows,
perch on the barbed
string fence,
feathers ruffled and puffed
against the cold, of the morning air
they knatter and gossip away among themselves.

they know nothing  of the sorrow of this day..

the thought comes to mind,
why would they care,
god's eye is upon them,
as they bask in the sunshine.
i sigh and crumble a corner
of my toast and scatter it to
the ground.
even god needs a hand,
in the practical aspects of caring, sometimes.
as the sparrows dart in to consume the crumbs,
i smile at their squabbling
antics....
and come to understand why god loves to watch the
tiny little things.

six years after you took your last breath
i now understand what you meant:

to have dis-
jointed thoughts, runningrunningrunning brain always running no time
to
breathe no space
do this-that-this-that
no breathing
how do i exhale(all i'm doing-- inhaling inhaling--)
brain fills lungs fill
which where what when
what happened two hours ago what day is
it when did you get here what have
i said what did you say?

palms fists in eye sockets
dark static dancing dancing
caffeine fired caffeine wired
no sleep
can't sleep
time to sleep?
never sleep

i remember:
that your pills weren't yours
that you cried for help
that you needed sleep to swallow you

that i closed my eyes while you died on your kitchen floor
and it eats me up

and it's only fair, then,
for me to have inherited your curse

I often times find
myself cloud gazing,
and creating images within them
that remind me
of you.

I suppose that means
I only have myself to blame
when it starts raining.

I need to pick myself up
and brush the dirt off my jeans
before I fall for you.

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm a mess,
and I can't be happy with you
until I can bear to be myself.

Perhaps our story ended,
and we turned past the last page.
Nothing left for amendment,
the path before us laid.

This book met a conclusion.
What a fairy tale it was.
Maybe just an illusion,
the heart and mind plays tricks, it does.

Yet it all just seemed so true.
Who knew,
it would be just like a movie?
People dream to exist like this,
instead they live assuming.

I backtrack through the chapters,
nearly driven insane.
Forever chasing after,
a retelling of our claims

Perhaps someday I'll feel the same
evolve beyond these throes.
In days those passions were untamed,
where every ending goes.

Thick skin, big body and sharp teeth, they slay
These greedy animals hunt for their prey

Their goal is to get all what they want
In the darkness of the night they usually hunt

Crocodiles and snakes, they attack like storms
How big are those reptiles as compared to the worms?

Now modern predators are in tuxedo’s and suits
With shiny eyeglasses or well-polished boots

These greedy creatures scattered in this world
They always make the biggest stories ever told…

I love you, you are mental.
You are chicken oriental.
I love you, cos ya off ya head,
every night when we go to bed ,

getting silly , getting sentimental.
beneath the quilt, ... (its continental)
then I guess, we'll go to town,
underneath the eiderdown....

I love you, my lovely mental case,
i love your mental fkin face .
i love you, cos you love me too,
loving you's like having flu

its like an affliction,
much worse than addiction.
much harder to quit,
than drugs and **** ...

my love for you is not necrotic,
cannot be cured with an antibiotic,
I guess what I'm saying is ..
I love you though, .... ya not the biz.

Been together,
for many a year.
can't belive,
that I'm still here....

(c) mandy "***? rigby 04/03/2014