Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

Journal Entry #12

Today has been a hard day for me.
Needed to let off some steam.
So I went for a walk today.
Even though it was cold and snowing today.
Hands in my pockets.
I thought this was ok, because the weather matched my mood today.

Had to cut a childhood friend out of my life today.
Which would explain why I'm so sad today.
In all fairness though, she handed me the scissors.

That's my life though.
That's what I get though.
For trying to save everyone I love from themselves.
That's what I get though.
For Always having the purest of intentions.
But what I've come to learn in my 31 years of life,
Is that you can't save people who don't wanna be saved.

But let me ask you this...
What kind of person would I be if I stood by and watched the ones I love drown in their own misery.
What am I to do?
Watch?
Do nothing?
When everything inside of me can't bare to watch without throwing that line of support over and over again. Hoping against hope that they'll finally grab a hold?
Or do I do nothing?
and stand by while I'm burning alive inside because I can't help them?
Do I just accept it and leave them to drown?
But, if I did this....
I can't help but think what kind of person does that make me that I'd allow this?

Journal entry #14
(Forgiveness)

To the girl I use to be....

I forgive you.

We all in some point in our lives, fall in love with an *******, who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped them clean across the face.

It wasen't your fault.

You did what you were suppose to.

You loved him with your whole heart.

And it wasn't your fault he was never deserving.

Go ahead..
Go live your beautiful life.

You got this.

All I want is for the right man to enter my life that's supposed to be there.

In my dreams..
I picture him having rough strong hands that are lined with experience.
I picture him running his hands softly across my damaged past,
Lingering over the shattered places within my heart.
Kissing me so deeply, engulfed in unspeakable passion erasing every ounce of doubt that arises.
I picture him grabbing my hand, standing tall beside me, at the most crucial times, when others have left me...
I picture him saying...
"I love you."
I picture me believing it because the truth will be in his eyes.
And when he says,
"I'll never let you battle anything ever again alone."
It'll be in this small moment of pure bliss,
That...
I picture myself thanking God,
Because he turned a tiny dream of mine into a reality.

This is the last thing I'll ever write about you, as it's just time to let you go.


I wish I could have known you in another life.
Where you never hurt the people that love you the most.


I wish I could have known you in another life, where you didn't allow your own inner turmoil and pain dictate and rule your life.

I wish I'd known you in another life.
A life where, when you were, incapable of loving yourself.
You'd let me shower you with my love instead.
A place where my love would have been enough.

I wish I had known you in another life.
Where you really loved me as your wife.
A place where I would have been able to tell you,

You were simply it for me.


And if I had known you in another life,
My heaven would be to spend the Rest of my days,
Loving you, giving you, what you think you don't deserve.

I had a strange dream last night. Everything was black and white.
My inner self transformed into another version of me and had taken me by the hand to a place I'd never seen.
I followed her like moth to a flame.
Hoping to gain some insight, some advice on my life.
But expectations are not a fair game.

It was there under the grey moon that she asked me in the most convincing unsure way...
Turning to me she said...

"Maybe you've already had your happiness, whats left to gain? Why are we always searching for something you're just not meant to have in this theoretical story?"

I looked up at the moon that looked as if it just turned twelve shades darker.

"If you believe that, if that were true then how do I explain this to my heart? That true loves just a game? A gimmic, a fate of magic we weren't meant to gain? Tell me, I'll listen to anything you have to say." I said softly.

But her gaze brought no answers.
They didn't reveal anything at all.

So I asked her again!
"Why tell me this?"
"Was this your plan all along?"
"To bring me here, to make me second guess, all that I have been through both present and future?"
"I can't believe true love is not out there, waiting for me, and that I'll never find it."
Or that it'll never find me."

It was like she knew more than she put on as she flashed a smile.
It warmed me with reassurance, but it was her eyes that said much more...
Never give up on love even when Your faced with your own self doubt.