When I was 5 I believed love was what my parents shared. Being in love was fighting but never leaving one another. I believed love was real. Love was when a prince rescued a princess. I couldn't wait until I got old enough to have a nice boy fall in love with me and we get married and be together forever and live our happily ever after.

When I was 11 I believed love was risky. I saw my friends cry over boys in the bathroom in middle school. I could never relate because no boys liked me and I didn't have a boyfriend. I believed love was real and that perhaps someday in high school I would meet a boy and fall in love and get married and live a happy life.

When I was 14 I believed love was him. I believed love was real and I believed love was waking up every morning for school excited to see him and going to bed every night feeling content. I believed love was the friendship and attachment we had. Going everywhere together and doing everything together. I thought TRUE love was also being best friends and having the bond we had. I believed I had finally found the boy I waited my whole life for and I swore to myself I was going to marry him someday and nothing was going to stop me.

When I was about to turn 15 I believed love was a rollercoaster. I believed there were ups and downs, good times and bad times. I believed there was no such thing as an easy relationship but I was certain that ours was going to make it. I believed our love was real. I believed without him I was nothing and he was the other half of my heart. I believed we had become one person. I believed if I lost him I would lose everything and I believed neither of us would ever be able to move on. Without him there was no me. I believed it was worth it and I believed he truly loved me. And although I saw it coming to it's end, I just couldn't walk away in time before it all blew up.

When I had barely turned 15 I believed love was suicide. I believed love was the most painful yet beautiful thing in the universe. I believed he loved me, yet he left me like he didn't... without a second thought. I believed without him I was nothing and my life no longer had any meaning. When I tried to think about my life a year from then I couldn't vision anything in my head. I couldn't see myself living 6 months into the future unless it was with him. I believed there was something wrong with me and I was a disaster that no one could fix. I promised myself to never fall in love again.. I still believed love was real though...

Now that I'm 16 I believe love is dangerous. I believe that it just isn't meant for me and that I'm not the kind of girl a boy can love. I believe that I can be replaced easily as well as forgotten. I believe that falling in love is like walking a path of self destruction. Love is a risk I'm no longer willing to take. I stopped believing love was for me when he left me and now that my parents are divorcing I stopped believing in love all together. It's insane how long you can be with someone for one day just have them leave you empty handed. It's really sad too honestly. I try to stay away from it. I actually have tried to have a boyfriend since him but I can't do it anymore. It feels weird and I feel like it's a waste of time anyways. I know it will end in disaster either way so why waste months and years with someone who will just leave you one day.

Love just doesn't exsist to me anymore, it's not real.

I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend how our break up didn't destroy you the way it destroy me

I tell you it’s dark inside 

You say turn on a light

I say it hurts my eyes

I’ve gotten use to the dark 

I can feel my way to my heart 

And lay down on its surface

I can tiptoe my way

Around hopelessness 

Slip on a few things 

But not fall

But you’re still new to it 

You still trip on my

Newly discovered fears

Still drown in my overwhelming 

Sea of sadness 

You've gotten bruises

From slipping on my silence 

You have fallen on my weariness

And I’m sorry 
I never meant for it 

To swallow you too 

Loving you makes a difference 

But you can't fix a ****
With nothing but a twig 

You can take a horse to a spring 

But you can't make it drink 

You can love me all you want 

But I have to learn 

To love myself 

Enough to turn on the light 

I will try to ease my eyes
to the light 
But fire eventually burns out
Even candles know that

I’m sorry I’m not okay 

I wish I was

If only it were 

To be well enough 

To look into your eyes 

And not feel like I’m drowning

To be able to feel 

The trace of your hands on mine

And not wish you didn’t have to

Feel the scars 

I’m sorry I’m not okay 

I really wish I was 

If only to be able to tell you
How much I love you 

Enough to not die for you

Enough to live with you

Loving you is like being set on fire,
And submerged in icy waters
All at once.
A fire that can never be put out,
An ice that will never melt;
A disastrous love.
Never have I felt so strongly,
Never have I been so anxious.
Walking on eggshells.
Your anger is a volcano,
I'm a tree.
Rooted; no escape.
I sit and cry, no time to speak.
You yell, you deny it, you keep at it;
Never phased by my pain.
No matter what, it's all about you.
You're the victim, even to your own anger.
I want to help you, but you don't love me,
Not like you promised.
You have no room for me.
You don't want me,
Probably no need for me, either.
So I sit as you set yourself on fire.
So bright, so painful,
You show no pain on the outside,
But I can see in your eyes
That you're suffocating on the smoke,
Choking on the ash, inside.
I just want to help you,
But you will never stop pushing me away.
It's time that I let you.
I'll leave you burning,
Singed by your fury,
Scarred by your words,
Phased by nothing.
You're so stubborn, you won't put the flame out.
Soon there will be nothing left of you;
Nothing to come back to.
lmt

My whole body was flooded with agony from head to toe as the tears poured from the corner of my eyes. You stood infront of me saying not a word with your head bowed down. I also kept silent but it wasn't because I didn't have any words, it was because I had so much to say but I knew it didn't mean anything anymore. Those unspoken words have never left my mind to this day...

But I knew it was pointless. I turned my back and took a few steps and as I was walking I realized I wasn't just walking away from my best friend, my lover and my entire world. But I was walking away from everything I had put into you.

All the work and effort I had put into you. I had tried to fix you, but I couldn't. You were unfixable. Never in my life had I ever failed at anything before. I mean, I had failed a test before and had failed at games and other things of such. But I never quit, because it's in my nature to strive for success. You are the only thing in my life I have ever failed at. But I couldn't turn back. I kept walking away from you. I was so broken and ruined and overall just drained. I was mentally exhausted. I had tried so hard, more than you deserved and more than any other girl would have put up with, but I did all of it because I loved you.

Then I stopped walking away. I stood still, wiping away remains of smeared mascara from my cheeks with the cuff of my hoodie. I had to stop sticking up for you like I always did. I didn't fail you, no, you failed me. You let me down. You didn't give me support and unconditional love and acceptance the way I did for you. You changed me and brought out the worst and darkest side of me. I lifted you up and you pushed me down. You failed me.

But it was okay, it really was. Because like I said, I'm not a quiter, I'm a succeeder. I find solutions and different paths to achieve success. And I knew then that I was stronger then I realized. I was going to get through this. I didn't lose, fail or quit. In the end I won, because I lost someone who didn't love me but you lost someone who truly loved and adored you more than anyone or anything in the whole world. You lost the girl who would have done anything and everything for you just to see you smile at her own expense. And I wanted you to know that you may have wrecked me but I was going to pick up the pieces and rebuild myself up again, stronger than ever. So when you see me later on in life, you will see me succeeding and you will have failed without me, the only person who pushed you to strive for success. I wanted to promise you that you were going to regret ******* up with me.

So I turned around and walked back to you as you opened your arms to embrace me. I shoved away the arms that once made me feel at home. I looked you in the very eyes I used to get lost in and I then said what I needed you to know.

"I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. When everyone had given up on you I believed in you. I didn't give up on you. Why? Because you don't give up on people you love. And I loved you. I loved you more than anything. It wasn't easy to always stick by you. I lost and destroyed myself by falling in love with you. But I did it all because I loved you. You're going to look back and remember me and everything I did for you. And then once you realize that I was so good, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life once everyone has given up on you and you're going to wish I was by your side again. You're going to remember me and remember that I was the girl who you broke. "

And then I walked away and never again looked back.

I always thought that when you left me you broke my heart. I felt it break the second you walked out of my life and it broke again every time I heard your name and it broke all over every time I heard our song and it broke again every time a guy wearing the same cologne as you walked by me. I felt it break every time I saw you at school and had to hold my head up high like I didn't miss and didn't know you.

But here I am... almost two years later. My heart doesn't break anymore when I hear your name, or when I hear our song, or when I get flashbacks or have dreams of you. Because yes, almost two years have passed by and I still dream of you. But it doesn't break my heart anymore.

And I know why now.

At first I thought it was because I was over it. I thought it was because I had finally moved on and healed from all the damage you did to me. But it's not even that...

I have tried to date other people and I have tried to start over with someone else. I've tried to open up to him and I've tried to be good to him. He's a good guy and he treats me right and cares about me, but I just can't give him my heart... and today I realized why that is.

It's not because I'm scared to give my heart away, but because I don't have a heart at all anymore. It's because when you left me you took my heart with you and now I'm stone cold. I don't feel anything anymore for anyone.

In a way, I thank you... Because I never want to hurt that way ever again... And without a heart I won't hurt at all...

My middle name was
Death, because I wrote
of a rose who grew
through blood