On a cold hillside bathed in white
I stood and thought
About how much you would have loved
The moon tonight

It hung brazen and bright
Like a saucer of milk
And the farther off stars
Could only scream their light

We'd lie down and stare
Heedless of the cold and wet
Holding hands, we'd squeeze
To show how much we care

i would like to cry
but i cannot
i sit and try
in this empty lot

yet i only sit and try
i never can cry
making ******* up faces
looking down at my ***** laces

it is you who I'm thinking of
it's because of you that i want to weep
to let my emotions out from love
from my eyes may this vileness seep

but it doesn't
it won't
my cheeks stay dry
my shoulders don't shake
a man who cannot cry
give me a break

who's fault is this
mine, yours or society's
who can i blame
for my anxieties

easiest to blame the man
conflicting to hate on you
hardest to look at me
i ask like an owl; who?

who, who, whose fault is it
who, who, who should i believe
the stories, the love songs
the poems and the white swans?

or the theorists and surgeons
with their chemical love versions

why then does my brain do this
be so affected by you.
its a serotonin dopamine blitz
that I'm hoping to get through

be you chemical or inured
all i wish to be heard
is my weeping, my snivel
to hold me above this drivel
of tearless boys
and heartless men
maybe, just maybe then...

I take a drag of my cigarette
It burn’s meteor red
The inky smoke washes my mouth
I exhale the cloud into the cloudless sky
“You need to stop smoking”
“I have”
“What are you doing now?”
“This is my last one”
She rolls her eyes and spits
“You need to stop spitting”
“I can have a bad habit”
“But it’s illegal, smoking isn’t”
“What? Spitting isn’t illegal”
“Unfortunately it is, I may just have to perform a citizen’s arrest”
As I laugh, she mumbles something
“What was that my love?”
“I said you’re a *******”
I blow out another cloud, and smile
My foot ends the last bit of angry red
“There, I quit”
She spits

He sat at a table across from an aquarium
A fish gulped water and would watch him
He gulped coffee and watched a fish
He pushed his food around on his dish
They were friends you could say
They saw each other each and every day
They never had any words to share
So not great friends- to be fair
But they have a connection
Just a small touch of affection

And that's the best he had at the moment

Red river run
Sand bar island
Green mossy tree
Hang over me

Blue sky clear
Sweet rot breeze
Peeper frog chorus
Lying in the forest

Soft lichen touch
Purple petal peak
Fuzzy bee bumbles
Distant bridge rumbles

Bloop and blip
Sounds abound
Chirps and yips
And coffee sips

It's nice to be alone
To hear the sounds
See the sights
Avoid the fights

Muskrat Hollow
Coyote Creek
Hanging Tree
The place to be.

Go somewhere else where I can see you
Smile
Go somewhere where there's light on the
Leaves
Somewhere where there's the calling of
Geese
Where their clamour floats like plankton through the
Breeze
And you are sitting under the linden
Tree
On the spot where you feel most
Safe
Between two big
Roots
Wearing
Mother's
Coat

You’ve got to stop beating yourself up
She says, but I am not really listening
You can do what ever you want if you put your mind to it
Isn’t she aware that her long black hair looks better *******
Are you even listening to me?
No
******* it, I’m trying to help
Couldn't she see I didn't want it
Why won’t you let me help you?
Can we talk about this later?
No, you’ve got to snap out of this
She's beautiful when she worries
Okay, okay.
But really, you...
Sorry to interrupt but would you mind being quiet
She gives me that look, the one that is becoming all too familiar
Why are you pushing me away?
I’m not pushing you, I’m asking for silence
She turns away, to hide her tears I guess
All right go ahead and cry again
You’re a ******* ***** you know that
I’m aware
She turned and walked away
I waited for her to look back
But she didn’t
God she looked good

I can't afford a therapist
So I go to free counselling instead
I guess it's the same
But I hear doors banging in the hallway
I know the woman at the front desk
I saw someone from high school
I saw a friends mom
They saw me leave the mental health clinic
Sup
I make conversation
I smile
I'm polite
I leave quickly
My hair is blue now
My ears are pierced
I've lost weight
I still can't grow a beard tho
I can't remember any stories
I don't know if I've had fun
I am not conscientious
I have trouble speaking outside of my script
I lost my train
And I flub my elocution
Pronunciation is hard
Easier to mumble
Deflect
Hide
and disappear

"You came," her voice floated in the white
"Of course I came," I knew she was behind me
But I couldn't turn, only feel her hair touching my back
"It's a good sign." Her voice was a million echoing silver bells
"I guess I've started to realize..."
Her fingertips brushed my palm, light as wind.
"I have realized that it wasn't my fault"
"I told you it was a good sign"
In the corner of my eye, I saw strands of her hair, fluttering
"I miss you." I wanted see her, see her smile, white teeth and dimple
"I miss you too," her silver bell voice rung out sadly
"I can never forgive myself," my voice shook, my eyes burned
"Don't say that, it's not true"
Flowers underneath us were red, yellow and sky blue
"I should have been there, I should have always been with you"
My every atom ached for her, to turn and see her
I could remember the smell of waking up beside her
Starting my day with a wonder by my side
"Forgive yourself please, for me"
A flower was slipped into my hand, it was yellow
I turned and I saw her, she wore the garb of an angel
She smiled before she disappeared
Leaving me crying in the red, yellow and sky blue.

Don't talk to me
I won't listen
Don't assuage me
You're not forgiven
I am the victim
Playing or not
This is how I feel
And you, I just cannot

Even deal
Karma rebounds
Are my consequence
Now on even grounds

But still you ******* try to talk to me
Try and say where I went wrong
You say that I am in need of changing
While you pose in that ****** ******* sarong
Yeah, the one that I bought you
Spent all day thinking about you
Now you get him to take shots of you
Laying on the sand like I never got to

Gah, it makes me so mad
Because this ain't me
I was a bad ***** that didn't catch no feelings
Now I just spend all day staring up at ceilings
*******, for this
*******, for that
*******, for that last stolen kiss
I wish I could hurt you, *** for ******* tat.

But now I'm saying sorry
Apolo-*******-gizing
Being cordial and phoney
Being all 'time utilizing'
I'm saying what you want to hear
Making it easy
But it all comes with a sneer
I'm acting all ******

I'm not over you
It's apparent
I'm going to be gone for awhile
Like a knight ******* errant.

I'm sitting here on the couch
Mug in hand, spliff in mouth
And I think to myself,
"things are good".

Things aren't great,
but things aren't bad.
There is no real reason
Why I should be sad.

Though I haven't a penny,
Nickle or dime
I have a roof and a cat
Who's getting a touch fat
So why the hell am I crying?

I have a passion, a drive
That's been left unfulfilled
And I want to, so badly
Be thrilled.

To sit here and stagnate
To 'moss' if you like
Leaves me wanting
To scream
I don't, I'm polite.

My neighbours are people
With problems like me
From doubting their life
To forgetting the key.

So I'll be quiet
And I'll not make a sound
I'll watch a funny video
And I'll eventually come 'round.

Though, the future scares me
It brings many things:
From ups to downs,
Smiles to frowns,
From terrifying clowns,
To nights out on the town,
And hopefully, plenty of *****
That are gorgeously round.

So I've got to rally
Be in good form
They say it gets better
Or it is always wetter
Before the eye of the storm.

I gave everything I had
To something that would fail
Turned brightness and colour
Into something much more pale

"Don't worry it will all be ok."
"Nothing bad, will ever happen to you."
Were just some of the lies I told
It was all much worse, what happened to be true

I'm sorry I lost; the house, the car
Your mother's necklace that night
My lies became a tempest
Destroyed us like that kite

Remember the one with the yellow tail
I held the spool, and you held the line
A sudden gust, and off it went
Straight into that old white pine

The one we used to climb
We'd climb to the top
Sway with the breeze
I said I'd never stop

But I am a liar
Which now, you're well aware
Back then you weren't though
I acted like I didn't care

About myself, or others
I thought it protected me
It was that high pine perch
Too high for anyone to see

I'm trying to climb down
But I need a hand
I've been up there too long
Been so far from land

"You don't remember me do you?"
She shook her head, hid her face and clutched her mother's jean skirt.
"I used to pick you up and spin you around, the Rollercoaster. You remember the Rollercoaster don't you?"
It was evident that she didn't.
"It's been a long time, she's still so young." Her mother tried to comfort me, as if it were the daughter's fault she didn't recognize her father.
Her deformed, monster of a father.
I didn't mean for my voice to crack, my vocal chords were some of the few things that weren't damaged in the fire. Now they fail me?
"Little Piper," she still hid her face the deep blue denim folds. "Pipsqueak, my  little Pip."
But she turned and ran, she had two little pigtails that waved me goodbye.

Am I really someone special?
Of course you are
How do you know
You're special to me
What does that mean?
You make my heart beat
You make my pulse pulse
Isn't that special
That's just adrenocorticotropic
**** we're more than just cortisol
Are we though? What makes us more?
You can think to ask that question
So what who can't
You make my epinephrine spike babe
Thanks, my endocrine glands are addicted to you
Don't worry about it, we're just sacks of meat
Hehe flesh bags coursing with chemicals
Right, your thoughts are just electricity
You're a battery, a light bulb and a RC car
You're a self guided drone with no master
You're sweet, lets go recharge
Powering down the fleshy prison
See you in day 9101 of my imprisonment
See you in the fourth dimension
You're right see you there first
You are special
You too

A long trailer
In a sombre forest
Two young boys creep
Through a long corridor

One blond and fair
The other is sometimes mistaken
For an immigrant from India

The floor is sticky and smells
From spilt pink lemondae

****** Doo cries out from the TV
"Jeepers Creepers it's the Creeper!"
The two boys watch wide eyed
******'s antics and Shaggy's
Immense appetite

They giggle and scream
In delight
As a ghostly axe misses ******
By a hair

The movie is over and it's time to go
It's dark out, scarily dark
They laugh nervously
But jump into the large truck

Both clad in the trappings
Of young explorers:
***** sweat pants
T shirts with wolves
Hair bleached by the sun
Skin dark and freckled
Finger nails ***** from building forts
And muddy shoes from testing
If river banks are as solid as they look.

Every couple days I see him
Standing, never sitting
Head bent, leaning with the car
The other people are constellations
But he is this one lone star

He never looks up or right
Just down with crinkled frown
He doesn't know just how bright
His light shines through this brown

This brown, this palpable ****
It covers us all
The fat, the lazy, the fit
It clings to our shirtsleeves
Pulls at our cuffs
Slowly burning our tree leaves
In slow deliberate puffs

But here he is
Every other day
Devoid of this **** and stank
Simply moving with the sway

I sometimes think of getting up
Of telling him how I feel
Mister you are beautiful
A wine glass where I am a cup
A plastic one with lines to tell
How much is too much
From *****, wine, even 7up

Though I never will

Sir it's not just that you are beautiful
It's because you never sit
You just stand and sway
Flexing your mighty wrist
You never stumble at the stops
Your ******* headphones
I doubt they twist

I know what I'm doing
Or at least what my mother would say
I've turned you into an ideal
A bet that will never pay
You'll be mean, jealous or loud
Sorry or far too proud

But how can you still shine like this
Each and every other day
An orbiting star standing three feet away
In this ***** **** covered subway

I see I see, there you go, white as winter snow.
See me here; standing still, braving winter's chill.
Sugared tears and feinted fears, what have I become?
Liar, Liar pants on fire. When did this begin?
I told you once, never twice, I told the truth for months.
I blame the tree, the tallest one, the on that fathered me.
Leaves turn green, brown and gold. Beauty I’ve always been.
You weren’t green, brown or gold, you were white as sin.

You can never stop me
Never slow me down
I am speed and direction
I wear the velocity crown

Heed me as I tell you
For I am the King of Changes!
The butterfly whose wings cause
Waves and mountain ranges

The bullet through your window
The thrusting of your groin
Lord of all time and space
The flipper of your coin

The secret is my direction
And this I'll never tell
For you are all still petty
Nothing you won't sell

For I am the wind
And you are the vane
I am the Sun rising
And you; the drying rain

You will all sleep and die
Whereas, I will never falter
Look to the future, not the past
For nothing else can alter

"That outfit doesn't suit you" says the impeccably dressed
"Your back is breaking out" says the clear skinned
"You are actually really really dumb" says the complex thinker
"****, those teeth are yellow, you should brush more" says the one who does
"What **** chat, you're not clever" says the quick witted
"Look at those chicken legs!" says the one who squats
"Why can't you manage your emotions?" asks the one who's matured
"Stop watching **** and get a girlfriend" says the one who has a girlfriend
"Clean your ******* room" says the one from his organized bedroom
"Stop smoking, it's not healthy" says the one who doesn't need to
"You have to stop skipping meals" says the one who isn't nauseous
"Stop feeling sorry for yourself, it isn't attractive" says the happy one
"You're not a bad person" says the good one
"Let people love you, but also let them not love you too" says the brave one
"You've got to stop procrastinating" says the one on time
"Write things down, make good habits" that one remembers
"You shouldn't hate yourself, forgive and grow" this one I like least
"You are really awfully dumb" this one repeats himself the most
"You're so dull" says the one who isn't
"I hate you" says the one who tells the truth
"You could be what ever you want if you stopped listening to all of us" says the one who I barely hear
"We're not us, we're you" says the one who's truth is the hardest to hear