I used to do this crazy thing where I used to draw stars on my skin with a razor i hated who i was
I was ashamed it made me ignore that pain deep with in,

I thought I was getting better , because I was feeling amazing but every time I felt that pain
more pain came in without knowing it
, it hurt my family , it hurt my friends , I hurt my family I hurt my friends


from this little stars I drew
on my skin because that little pain make me feel better and it was easier to ignore and to cope
with all the mind games bottled up in to my head and all the pain i felt from these stupid f--king haters
I thought I was getting better I thought I really was but every time I drew a star on my skin

I got a
bit more insane
and a bit more crazier ,
soon it ended me up in the hospital for 10 days I was in pure pain more than I ever felt
to be with realty and go face to face with the devil i been ignoring my whole life , i made a promises
I would stop drawing the little stars on
my skin that would make me ignore the pain,

a month later i was back with more stars on my skin and pills with in me , I thought I could end it
all the pain that I have felt
I was wrong it didn't help I was wrong it I made it worse I hurt them the most
when I was going to end my pain but begging there's
because of theses stupid haters and back stabbing *******
who were hurt deeply I could tell the pain in there
eyes when they hurt me it hurt them more they thought they were getting better from throwing the little
razors at everyone else but they
didn't know it cut them instead because

of all theses back stabbing ******* in the world and all theses
stupid f--king haters that will
start from boredom or misery the pain we all felt we have to learn this isn't it ,
it get better than this , and it did
one week two week the stars started to disappear 1 month 2 month they were getting better just like me
my life just begun it gets better
then this i know it does! the devil stills comes around
but we have to face it  ignore it and replace it.

Dullness burning inside
Feeling disconnected, unwired
Unsure where my books pages shall roam
Not even a clue of where to call home

Roaming desolate plains of existence
Sating my thirst in the oasis of absence
Traversing the dunes of empty dreams
Venturing across our universes seams

Scaling volcanoes of reason
Only to find it's the wrong season
A crater of false hope
A blank canvas globe

Is there an ending to my extinguished flame
Will it reignite once again
Will purpose come knocking on my door
To show me the world once more

My dream is just this
Like a child's bedtime kiss
Send me on my way
Away from the world of yesterday

You said you'd wait.

It was a lie.

Underneath a somber grey and pallor sky

I hold my still beating heart in my hands

and yet I  still capitulate to your quaint demands

With a smile  on my face

I'm still Bereaved

with a smile on my face

I still believe  

With a smile on my face

I  still taste  bittersweet and metallic malevolence  

Some still claim hate is folly

but the only thing I  regret is love or was it lack thereof?

I still dream

and In between memories and make believe happy- endings  

I wake up drenched  in  feverish and sickly-sweet sweat.

I've been betrayed

go ahead and stick your blade in my back and twist

twist until i cease to exist

Twist until the earth runs red

with blood and regret

with tears and sweat

and i can still feel your breath upon my neck

and your words still caress my fragile disposition

but i still wake up alone

and I still wake up betrayed.  


********

Oh how i yearn to be beautiful.
I desire to be deep.
I have the urge to touch the hearts of many... With every word that i speak.

I just want my story to be heard.
So that all the lost souls know,
They are far from alone.
I want to reach out and be someone's shoulder to cry on, even though I know that I do not have my own.

Isn't remarkably astounding how the people with The most problems try to solve problems?
In essence, this somehow helps me.
To look into the eyes of another person and just listen to their story…
Yes, in actuality.
This heals me.
Just being a muse, via the words i let these stanzas speak.
With their Complex simplicity.
I yearn to exude beauty.
& change lives
By just being me.

She was a dancer
And I a writer  
Born of the same day
But different hours
Barely friends
But almost lovers
Destined to be connected
But never together
For I am winter
And she is summer

Will I wake up and live
the dream I am dreaming
OR
Will I fall asleep and dream
the dream I am living...