What's the point in leaving if I wasn't even there in the first place
I don't like loud spaces, I don't like feeling like I can't look someone in they eye because I know that they will judge me and talk about me as if I'm not present
Strangers touch me and I feel like I've been stripped down to my skeleton
They make a joke because they saw me staring into space
They knew I was present
They knew I wasn't even there
What's the point in leaving if I wasn't even there in the first place

-E (c) 2017

I found myself hugging my closet this morning
I got up, walked over to her, stood in front of her and stuck my hands between some things hanging,
Put my cheek against the cold plastic of the hangers, and it felt right

Now this sounds strange
But something became quite clear to me when I felt like my closet was hugging back
It's not the things you wear, it's how you wear them
My closet loves me because I wear my clothes freely
I never wore them to please anyone else
That's why when he told me he wanted me to wear something else I said, "No."
Because my fashion is a part of me and it has been
Whether I was in the fourth grade, wearing my lily pad skort, pink Mary Janes and a neon green top
Or in college,
Unapologetically sporting my baggy white tee, ripped jeans, Birkenstocks and socks
I will not submit to you

My clothes love me back because I am not afraid
My closet hugs me back because she knows that I will never again let a man tell me
"That's ugly."
My fashion is my power.
Let it ring from every tower, you will not tell me what I can put on this body ever again
My body is my temple, and it was not built on your land so you can
Shove it

-E (c) 2017

I want to taste your breath
Feel it warm between breaks
As we sigh from ecstasy

Gentle, tender
Caressing tongues
Biting your lips

In the dark,
With the mind's eye
Searching your curves

Within whispers and hymns,
Echoes and silence,
Rolling with the beat,

Of a pounding heart,
Rushing blooding
And tingling skin

Where scents blend,
Of flesh and soul,
To become, but one

A brilliant star
In a milky way
The fairest of all

My mind wanders,
As my body longs to stay put,
To sleep,
Load the batteries up

My depression stops by to say hi,
Remind me of everything hard,
Tells me I'm not good enough,
That nothing matters,
Or make sense anyway

As I try to close my eyes,
Forget the pain,
And break through the chain,
I'm chained so hard that I can't get through...

I can't breathe properly,
I can't close my eyes,
I can't relax,
I can't smile

All I can is cry,
Feel hopeless,
Scared,
Worthless,
Alone,
Dead.

"What's the point?" goes on repeat in my head,
I try to make it stop
But it won't shut up,
It won't leave me alone.

It makes me wonder how you know,
How you can,
And why you always want to bring me down.
You come to me in my weakest moment,
When I can't escape,
When there's nowhere to hide,
Noone to hug,
Noone to confide in.

Why do these moments never stop?
Why will it continue in an evergoing everlasting loop?

You tell me there is so much to live for,
As I try to see it,
Try to break free,
The chain holds me captive in my own negativity,
It feeds me just more and more,
Till everything I see, feel and hear is darkness,
Everything I breathe is poison, everything I eat is death and everything I drink is blood.

Only love can save me now,
But then again, what is really love?
What is love? Real love?
How do you know?
"If you know, you know" they say
But is it for everyone?

These are the nights that ****** my being,
The nights that make me lose all hope I ever collected,
The nights that make me lose my will to survive,
The nights that **** me.

I have had better nights and probably will,
If not these nights take over,
Then I don't know if I'll be able to see the light
that awaits in the other end,
Because when all you feel, see, hear is darkness, how can you imagine to feel, see, hear the light?
And how can you be able to wait when your current state is unbearable?

Tonight I just can't sleep,
I can't shut off and dream,
I can just lay awake and feed on misery,
Just one of those nights...
Those nights that are all dark,
not just because the sun is gone,
But hope and all life too.

I need someone to come save me from the darkness.

Half a year's worth of memories became ashes in the wind
that dimmed the light from where I seemed to have fallen.
The autumn comes soon but monsoon storms await me,
the safety I found in your arms have seem to dissipate
and motions of decay seem to slowly envelop me.
Rigor Mortis
This feeling of missing you is similar to torture
I've spent a quarter of my lifetime wishing for someone like you
but then you came and took that away from me.
I am tired,
I am awake but I am tired,
and soon I will fade;
like a scorched moment, the ashes seem to float into the sky;
I'd lie if I weren't feeling hurt,
but the dirt seems to comfort me enough.

Half a year's worth of memories became ashes in the wind.