Blank men carry black stones
to riverbeds and call all
who wake before the bells
to follow.

They do not worry about tomorrow
because tomorrow is never
and blank men are naught.

They do not ride horses
because horses mean work.
They do not fall in love
because love means deep being.
They do not chant prayers
because prayers make believe.

They only carry black stones
to riverbeds
because rivers are always changing.

“Don all ye that come, with lamp
and cloak and speak the nameless
name of the river you step into.
Bright be we that carry this darkness
and shadow be us that survive the light.
Ask not why you carry these stones,
but hurl them into the void
and see your reflection tremble.”

At this they move on
and repeat themselves,
with new faces
and no names,
to places that don’t exist
and people that never were.

Blank men carry black stones
to riverbeds and call all
who wake before the bells
to follow.

I only smile when I lie
not because I want to deceive
but because the truth feels like gravel in my mouth
sharp, dry, impossible to swallow
I smile because it’s easier than explaining
why I haven’t slept in three days
or why I flinch when someone says
“you seem better.”
I smile when I say “I’m okay,”
even though my chest feels like it’s caving in
like someone forgot to build the beams right
like the air is too thick to breathe
but too thin to scream through
I smile when I say “I’m happy for you,”
even though something inside me
is clawing at the walls
begging to be seen
begging to be heard
begging to be anything but polite
I smile when I say “I forgive you,”
even though I still wake up
with your name stuck in my throat
like a splinter I can’t cough out
I smile when I say “I love you,”
even though I don’t know
what love is anymore
even though I think it might be
just another word people use
to make silence feel less empty
I smile because it’s what people expect
because it’s what I’ve trained my face to do
when my heart is folding in on itself
when my thoughts are too loud
to say out loud
I smile because the truth
is too raw
too ugly
too much
And I don’t know how to be
too much
without scaring everyone away