BROKEN ABRACADABRA

My uncle shimmers
as he walks

as if the sun has got him
and shakes him

until he walks
like waves.

His gait all
heat haze.

He's a walking
reflection

as if the air
were water.

He looks like
he's a dream

made of summer

but he is the real thing
a solid Uncle Michael.

I expect his voice
to waver with the heat

but his words
stay steady

whittled out of love
like wood.

I am up a tree.

He can't see me.

The branch below me has sn-
-apped

and I am wondering like a cat
how in hell I am

going to get down.

Up here in the air
the farm is the map

of itself.

I share a branch with a bird
and a small cloud.

Uncle goes on looking for me
his voice searching the everywhere

but I am a nowhere.

His voice trying to pull me
out of thin air

like a magician would
but it's not good.

I am half sky half tree half child
...do the maths.

I feel like a white rabbit
lost inside a top hat.

He died one sunny Sunday
******* a sweet in the blue van.

I still see him
walking out of the sun

his body shivering
with the heat

as if he is a dream
calling my name

like an abracadabra.

I sit in the silence
in the middle of my sky

lost in that forever
summer

wondering how to get back
down on solid ground

calling his name
like a broken magic spell

always trying to find him
even though I can't

Dance with me, son
twin to my moon
center of my universe
blood of my blood.

My sweet boy,
what have you become?

I see you yearning for love,
yet burn everything
you touch with greed
desiring it be yours.  

I see you clinging to power
in your firm grip
nothing remains
that carries a soul.

I see a warrior, a fighter,
a wanderer, a lost soul
far away in foreign lands
of the mind.

Come back down
down to mother earth
the land of the living
where everything takes root.

Dance with me, son
naked and
barefoot
on ***** ground.

Six years. Six whole years of you
Two little hearts inside your nose,
And I’ve always said it’s because
Mommy and daddy’s love was too strong to hold in one.

You were my miracle before you took your first breath,
And every second since, I’ve fought like hell to keep you safe.
They don’t see the nights I stayed awake,
The tears I swallowed when they tried to take you away
But baby, you’re woven into me,
In every beat of my heart, in every prayer I whisper when I think no one’s listening.

They try to lie on paper like it can rewrite our story,
Like it can erase the bond that time and pain made unbreakable.
But those two little hearts you carry?
They are the proof
the purest kind of love
A love no distance, no silence, no fight can touch.

You are my light when the world feels dark,
My breath when I feel like breaking,
My hope when every door closes.
I want you to know
No matter what they say, no matter what they do
I am here. I am yours.

Forever.

And I will fight
With every scar, every tear, every sleepless night
To hold you close, to keep you safe,
To be the mother you deserve.

My Lilliann Mariee, my baby, my fight,
You are the part of me that will never break.