I live,
In the forest within my mind,
Always searching, trying to find,
Another.

I'm free,
To run and sing and dance,
Now I've been given a chance,
To escape.

I love,
Everything I can see,
All the joy around me,
I can smile.

I hate,
Having to return there,
To that lonely place where,
It's just me.

I talk again of broken souls,
Of broken people, broken promises that
Keep breaking our hearts over and
Again like a broken record.
And in that loop the words change,
Transform themselves into ugly
Monsters that tell us we're freaks
And remind us of when we broke down
And break down our fears into
Lists, mantras, chants in our heads
Until our monsters live inside of us.
And though they started as fragile
Echoes in our ears they start to take
Control of our broken bodies
And remind us how horrifically
Imperfect we are when really
Our brokenness makes us break
New ground to fix the problems
We didn't know we had and
Break down the barriers to honesty
And fairness and let us feel
We are not broken
But merely incomplete
And that the monsters are not
The piece we're missing.

To the semi-conscious mind of a child barely starting school,
The mind makes demons of the unknown,
Self-formed beasts,
Ready to feast,
To chase you to bed in the night.

And as the child grows and learns of real monsters,
Of fire and sharks and running out of air,
Chained back, shapes grow,
Shadows rose,
The mind's self-torture closes in on truth.

But as child becomes student, bigger concerns
than death or danger plague the mind
The nightmares of sharks replaced with
Nightmarish marks,
Anticipated failure paints the dark.

Here we are, all drowned in the unimportant things,
Sat around, lazy, sipping on drinks and waiting.
Laughter and smiles around, though there's no point to it,
Or because there's no point to it,
And not one wants it to end.

As I tap out the rhythm of another song I've never heard,
My gaze drifts from face to face,
All bright (though one is sleeping) and no worries taking over.
Tonight is not about me nor any one of us,
So we all share a while, a meal and a game.

We made it through again,
It was tough this time around,
Trials, barriers, disappointments,
Sadness, loss and doubts,
But we mark this day - an arbitrary date -
To remind ourselves, that the past,
Can go to bed,
And the future charges faster,
And fills our hearts instead.

The clouds are purer white, and spread across the sky,
The sun can breathe a gentle hush of hope into my eye -
A simple hint that this
may be more than just a glimpse,
That I may see the spring and summer again before I die.

But when the days are bright, I feel worse come the night,
When the sun has left me all alone to trust my straining sight.
The shadows in my room,
The closing sense of doom,
I have no spirit left to fight and no way left to keep the light.

So though the air is pure, and birds are singing for
the end of winter, start of spring, there's no way to be sure,
That I will make it through
to see another June,
Or that I will not end my evening by bleeding on the floor.

As interests and education collide
The complexities of my character
Fall away one by one
Each individuality smoothed over
Streamlined
Until all variations are wiped away
To uncover a focused machine
With one goal alone
I am tireless by name alone
As I process the backlog
Integrate new discoveries
With forgotten truths

My head burns with the fires of the past,
With the scramble of words round skull,
Faster and faster, truth ricocheted off lies,
And smashed against the ever-crumbling screams,
That won't stop looping
And looping
And blurring
And looping
And with each stale copy another shade lost,
Another angle forced into the frame
Of a single photograph I saw maybe once
Of a child with hope in her eyes
And a teenager with no light left imposed upon her
Until it all blends into one.

One soul, one past, one future,
Not enough.

The distance runs past my eyes,
And suddenly I'm right there,
Listening to your music,
And I could take your hand,
I think.

But as I reach out, the ground falls away,
And I am dragged through restless seas,
Through dirt and across concrete,
Until I'm back home,
A shivering wreck.

Another chance missed,
Another lost fight,
Yet somehow not all hope has passed,
My mind clings on to the hint of a retry,
But reality will not rewind.

Once again I blame myself,
Then turn to others,
When I know I did all I could do,
Only bitterness remains for those,
Who bested me without effort.

Such resentment in me,
Sickening me,
Tugging at my stomach with guilt,
I should not hate them for their success,
But envy has control.

We settled back in to a rhythm
That had never quite felt right
And seemed to impose itself
Above the beating of our hearts
And took over our breathing
In favour of 'more important' things.

We fell out of time
And into the emptiness of
Lives without purpose
But that we filled with our own
Unrecognised goals.

We broke ourselves away,
As the gears had eroded,
And started to slip between
The cracks in the machine.

We lay for a while,
Unmoving and uncaring,
But content with that.

We became a new being,
Aiming only for the future.

We set ourselves free.

It seems like the world these days is trying to tear itself apart
There are missiles on all the borders and bombs in our backyards.
The rich keep getting richer while the poor are falling out
And the fact
that fact
is fact
is under doubt.

The generation I grew up in was taught not to hate,
To give and receive in exactly the same way,
But it seems like those above us were sick on that day
And forgot
to let
their morals
come to play.

I don't need anybody to remind me that we're doomed
I know we're in the twilight phase
Between golden days
and gloom
All my future plans aren't seeming that important anymore
Because we're running,
tripping,
falling,
Towards war.

Linking,
Weaving,
Two tapestries together.

Embellishing,
Developing,
Personal legends.

Mixing,
Fine-tuning,
Intertwined patterns.

Constructing,
Expanding,
A collage of words,
Ideas,
Concepts,
Lives,
Until they are fully formed.

In the texture of summer air
A hope lingers
A promise
Of future warmth
Brighter days
Simpler ways of living
And almost tangible
Touchable
Tasteable love sits
In every breath
Building up
Bubbling over
And straining to be released
Into the world that cries out for it
A people who long for it
A community that thrives on it
As light pours out
And joins the divided.

"You're always on your phone"
Talking someone out of suicide
"You're up too late"
Talking myself out of suicide
"You write too much"
To let the pain out
"Make time"
Where from?
"Focus on school"
*What about my happiness?

Losing focus,
Objective,
Blurring,
Merging,
Lines into haze,
Haze into confusion,
Confusion into no..thin....g,
.
.
.
Then,
Darkness,
Lost,
Nowhere to go,
But forwards,
Maybe?
Whichever way,
I happened to be,
Facing,
Before,
The lights went,
Out,
Of,
Control,
No!
Sense of direction,
Or reason,
Where am I?
I'm just,
Running,
A
i
m
-lessly
To,
Something?
Anything?
Until,
Ther­e!
A light!
G r o w i n g?
Or closing in?
My whole,
Vision,
Sharp,
Set on,
One,
Thing.



Her.

Time to take on the role
It's a quick change -
But I know what I'm doing.
A top off, a shirt on,
Swap the coat,
Untie my hair - then makeup,
It all comes off easily,
My fine-tuned eyeliner no more
Than a smudge on a face wipe.
There isn't time to change my shoes
But they never get noticed
Anyway.
A glance in the mirror,
Not too long,
But enough to see an old character,
Back once again.
I head to the stage, ready,
then:

"Hi, Stephen."

The show begins.

In the glint of a mutilated,
cannibalised razor head,
A promise: Release.

But no comfort is found
in the bent, brutal metal
that breaks the skin
of an already broken girl.

We speak a language,
Different to all,
Our words placed in moments,
Memories.
A glint in the eye,
Or eyebrow raise,
And we know we're speaking in code,
And suddenly we're all,
Laughing.
And though we all know,
That we're all filled,
With burdens,
For those moments we make memories,
And those memories keep us sane,
Keep us smiling,
And burn brighter,
At least for a while,
Than all the shadows of our past,
And right then the whole world,
Is adorabubbly.

As we sit here
Stars circling above us
Eternities pass in seconds
Fathoms in whispers
Reality melts into a symphony
Of feelings and fleeting moments

And beneath it all
A whisper in the air
Each breath a blessing
Every smile an embrace
Gathering all fear and longing
And setting us free

He took an empty bowl,
And filled it with night-black,
Cracked a diamond on its side,
And sprinkled in the shards,
He stirred them into swirls,
Into whirlpools,
Drawing in the eye,
And in that reflection,
He saw himself,
And a single tear fell,
A glistening orb,
That sent ripples across that bowl,
As it hung in the centre of it all,
Born of sadness,
Treasured forever.

A second infinity is revealed in the reflection of our minds
And the imperfect imitation is far more beautiful than reality
We have a way of twisting what we know
To become something greater
Something more precious
Something so intricately weaving together randomness that it reaches a new order
Some call it art
Others call it madness
But surely it cannot be named
For it is beyond understanding, but makes perfect sense
It is beyond believability, yet could happen to anyone
It will never die, it allows us to see past death
It lets us comprehend further than our senses allow
Never try to eclipse it
Never try to hide it
Never try to restrain it
Eclipses always end
The hidden is always found
The restrained always escape
Allow it to breathe
Let it take in the air and produce something magical
Permit yourself to delve into the depths of your mind and pull out something absurd
Let creativity grow
Imagine yourself a world

Water drips down my shoulders,
down my back and flat chest,
Clothing me in
A torrent of shimmering skin.
My ears are blocked for a moment,
Muffling the creaking
Of my weight shifting from one foot
To the other.
My eyes are closed,
Lest I see my reflection
In the rapidly steaming up windows
Turned mirrors in the night.
I cross my arms over myself,
But it does little more than
Remind me of the
Wreck I've become.
I try desperately to wash
Thoroughly without touching
My anatomy too much,
Letting gravity do its work as much
As I can,
Wondering if I should just
Ignore some places in favour of
Beating my mind
Into the wrong shape
Again.
But of course I must remain clean,
Even as my mind grows thick with
Grime, muck, blood,
That agony can be
Slept off,
Or hidden,
Or left to dry,
Or wiped away.

The dawn chorus says: "Go to bed"

Before the sun can sleep
It sets the world on fire
It fills the sky with flames
And turns the trees to smoke
It watches the horizon burn
As it falls from reality
And lets the night put out its flames

Through the mist. searching claws,
Eyes with ill intents.
Through the chill, a whispered breath,
Nails in my chest.

Through the rain, blades glint,
Daggers at my throat.
Through the wind, a screaming voice,
Death's cruel gloat.

Through my mind, storms approach,
Clouding sight and truth.
Through my heart, guilt grows.
Ended youth.

A glint on a car window makes me squint my eyes,
Those sharp spikes of light make my pupils hide,
Retreating from the brightness, to the inside they know,
My sight's afraid of summer, but my mind is aglow.

The days are long at last, the evenings pink and red,
The clouds, as if from cartoons, float above my head,
The vibrant flowers are shining - radiant as the sun,
And I am calm, I can breathe slowly, the gentlest season is begun.

I refuse to be one more broken heart
They may try to hate us,
But won't be ripped apart.

I will not be another fallen dream
I know that you can be
The stitches to my seams.

Time and fear will take our hands
And pull you from my grasp
But distance cannot stand against
A love that's built to last.

Rusted arms,
Connect with ageing joints,
To turn pointless cogs,
In a once well-oiled machine,
That now grinds itself to dust,
Under sheer pressure of self-inflicted weights,
Held in place by still sturdy chains,
Each link strained,
As the creaking oak of the axle screams,
Splintering in discordant cries,
Until finally,
Shattered dreams manifest themselves,
The ancient timber splits,
The centrepiece collapses,
Bringing down the entire contraption,
Flawed design finally takes its toll,
Tearing each pitiful component from its place,
The walls crumble,
Light falls on the remains,
Of a doomed creation,
Imagined,
But imperfectly realised.

When her words fade into the echoes,
The whispers of night take their place,
They gossip with tongues made of shadows,
And snarling they spit at my face.

When her smile has escaped from my sight,
The wheels of my iron heart slow,
I lose faith in the promise of light,
And reject every reason I know.

When her hand has dropped back to her side,
And ended its too-swift goodbye,
My wish and my choice must divide,
I won't be with her 'til morn's sleepy eyes.

'There is still time' I
Tell myself again just to
Excuse my failure

She knows how to ask and get,
But I love giving.
She knows when I need to forget
The hell I'm living.
She knows where to go
To escape it all
She knows how to know
When I'm about to fall.
She knows how to share her pain,
So I can share mine.
She knows how to love the rain,
But stay inside.
She knows when all I need,
Is a meal and a break.
And she knows how I feel,
But that's okay.

There's a face smiling,
One I seem to know but can't place.
She's running in the summer fields,
Laughing in her new dress.

Her mother's watching,
She's smiling too,
And her father joins in.

And together they're dancing,
Through the rare bright days,
And she is happy.

But I feel like I miss her,
And I know she's gone,
As she runs out of sight.

Now another face,
The same but older,
None of the joy in her eyes,
Leaning against an oak.

She's singing to herself,
And I know the song,
And her voice is my own.

On my arms rest the signs,
The sting of past events,
Bitter blood and a shattered soul,
Sung my hushed lament.

In my eyes dwells the dark,
The lifeless, cold contempt,
Hopeless heart, falling face,
Reflected - I resent.

In my heart flow the tears,
The self-hating rips straight through,
Paling pulse, frantic fingers,
I am torn in two.

There's a spear in my head,
Where I know I should have bled,
Had I collapsed and hit the kitchen counter top.

There's a splinter in my eye,
Where I know I should have cried,
With the pain that crushed me had I not stopped.

There's a stinging on my wrist,
Where the blade should not have missed,
Had it not been for my best friends pleas.

There's a necklace on my neck,
Where I should have killed a wreck,
Had it not been for the one who made me freeze.

I should have died,
But I did not,
So I better make it worth it.

Close the windows,
Turn on the lights,
Hands on your head,
Bow to the night.

You know you can't hide,
Though you're shut away,
The dark won't be held,
By bricks and glass gates.

So give it up dear,
Let me in and drown,
Breathe in the black air,
Let the your lids down.

Up too late,
Yes, I suppose,
But I'm writing thoughts,
Working out my mind,
Before I close to the dark.

Up too late,
Yes, if you like,
But I'd rather lose an hour,
Sleeping uselessly than,
These words that I write.

Up too late,
Yes, I'm tired,
But I'm enjoying being free,
To talk and say what I want,
Without the pressures of life.

Up too late,
I can't deny it,
But it is worth it.

Sometimes I feel useless,
Because I do too much.

I try to be part of everything,
But I end up falling behind,
The specialists.

They devote all their attention,
On one thing.

But I devote my attention,
A million ways and end up,
Burnt out with nothing to show for it.

Around my neck,
Three beads,
That mean too much to me.

Within my mind,
A girl,
That no one else can see.

But one word,
It snaps,
The whole thing falls apart.

The necklace becomes,
My noose,
That hangs and chokes my heart.

A scratching in the back of my throat
Closing off all attempts at apt tone
Burning behind my voice
Flames itching my tongue
And screaming at it to stop
So I close my mouth
To quench the blades

Why do you fear me?
I do not seek you harm,
But I prefer the shadows,
Away from attention,
So I hide in the dark,
Where all seems a danger,
All seems evil,
But I am not.
I am not a threat,
My outstretched arm,
Is for you to hold,
Not for me to restrain,
So trust me,
Let me join you in the light,
And you will see.

The world turns grainy
Like old film
And the only lights are the streets below
And the moon
All sense of balance falls away
As I submerge myself
In the expanse of darkness above my head
A falling angel paints a streak as she lands
A smile and a gasp break out
The heavens are raining beauty on us tonight
And we gaze on with eager eyes.

I cannot exist
Away from
Friendship that holds me together
Just about, not because the glue
Won't stick but because
I lost some of the pieces already
And I yearn for such senseless
Wastes of time as
The days
I used to savour and
Used to keep me smiling just
just
About.

Those gloves I wear aren't to keep me warm,
They're so I don't have to look at these hands,
And I don't take them off lightly.

This necklace I wear isn't for show,
It's a part of who I am,
On or off has a meaning.

That scarf I wear isn't to keep off the chill,
It's to hide the unchangeable from view,
So until I talk you wouldn't know.

I wear things for a reason, not for style.

Fingers flying,
As I watch the,
Flickering flame,
In the reflection,
Of these familiar,
Windows.

Creating melodies,
On a whim,
A feeling,
A chance at beauty,
Occasionally,
Revealing a delicate,
Flower of a moment,
Blooming so suddenly,
Dying just as fast.

Words are a comfort,
To the hiding and lost.

Words are a change,
To the oppressed and afraid.

Words are a lesson,
To the searching and blind.

Words are a key,
To the prisoners and trapped.

Words are a pastime,
To the silenced and still.

Words are a future,
To the broken and dead.