When we first kissed I felt my stomach turn to mush.
I smiled as we pulled away and you stared into my eyes as if I was the only one you've ever loved.

After awhile, whenever I kissed you, I could taste the oil of the vape pen that also danced upon your lips.
My eyes would flutter open slowly as your poisoned fingers rubbed under my chin as if you were decoding a secret written in braille.

Now when we kiss it's lustful.
Your lips meet mine in a rough punch.
As if you're looking for something more.
And I can't help but feel that maybe you're trying to find her in me.
That maybe you're falling for her and losing touch with me.
And now, as I'm kissing you, I want to be released from the shield of loneliness you have given to me.

There are three types of heartaches

Heartache #1
The heartache where you were never loved back.
He’d look at you and smile but you know the sparkle in his eyes isn’t because of you.
He’ll hug you goodbye but you can smell the scent of her perfume as you snuggle your head into his neck.
He would turn away and you’d look at him as if he was the most celestial being you’ll ever see and you’ll remember, the way you look at him, is the way he looks at her.

Heartache #2
The heartache where you strive to make their life a living hell.
You’ll break his heart and realise when it’s too late that you’ve broken yours in the process as well.
So while he is sitting next to you because he has no other choice, you hum the song that he dedicated to you just loud enough for him to hear, and you’ll know it’s driving him mad.
And you’ll wear the shirt he said he loved on you as you pretend to run into him, whether it’s walking casually in the hallway or chatting with someone who happens to be right near his locker.
You’ll find a new boy to smile and laugh with and you’ll know he is in the distance watching, remembering how he used to be the one that got that smile out of you.

Heartache #3
The heartache that never goes away.
The one with the mesmerising blue eyes and smug smile that could devour your soul in a heartbeat.
It’s the restless nights of talking about all your fears, dreams, insecurities; everything that makes you, you.
It’s the way you let yourself be vulnerable as he touched your naked skin.
He’ll hold your hand and make promises he never intended to keep.
He’ll make you believe every word he says is true.
He’ll make you see that planting flowers in your lungs is so much better than destroying yourself.
But he’ll fail to tell you that once those flowers die, you wont be able to breathe.

I tore a page out of my notebook and I burned it.
I tore another page out and I burned that too.
I ripped out every single page and burned each one.
But it wasn't enough.

So I tore the pictures from my wall and watched the faces melt away.
But I could still feel the need for destruction in the pit of my stomach.

So I put a joint to my lips and watched the smoke escape from my mouth.
But not even that could soothe my pain.

So I ran.
And I ran.
And I ran.
And as I ran I set fire to all the trees and bushes.
And as I sat there in the chaos I had caused I realised,
Nothing could burn the memory of you out of my brain.

You are the dark circles under my eyes because I have spent too many restless nights thinking about you.
You are the cigarette I put between my lips because I miss having yours pressed against mine.
You are the body's of strangers who fill my sheets because I am trying to replace the warmth you once gave me.
You are my sad thoughts because I couldn't make you stay.
You are the doubts, confusion, anxiety I have at the most inconvenient times.
You are the bright city lights that follow me endlessly.
You are the alcohol that runs through my veins because it is the only thing that keeps me going anymore.
You are the ghost that will forever remind me that what we had was not love but lust.

Falling for you was never part of the plan
What started off as a harmless game turned into something I had to win

I was settled on the fact that we would be nothing more than just toys to each other
But when you kissed me in that closet and touched me in a way that was unfamiliar to me I knew I was *******
The constant denial that I felt any sort of attraction to you was failing

Suddenly endless texting turned into long sleepless nights, talking about our feelings and our past
Confessions came out and new experiences caught my attention

I found myself breaking all my rules for you and not regretting a single one
Rules that were put up for my own protection
Rules that would prevent me from feeling heartbreak ever again

But now here I am, falling deeper and deeper into something I have no idea as to where it will lead me
But as long as it's by you, I'm okay with whatever hurt I may have to face

You have not seen me until you have seen me as I see myself
You have not seen me until you see me as I trace my hand over the stretch marks that climb the sides of my torso like veins that squeeze me
You have not seen me until you see me as my eyes become dimmer as I look at the discoloration of my sides
You have not seen me until you see every scar, bruise, and scratch that plagues my thighs and arms
You have not seen me until you have watched my body give in and breakdown because the image I see staring back at myself is one of broken glass, broken dreams, broken memories

You have not seen me until you understand that I am not a towering temple with battle scars and broken beauty marks

I am a shell of lost spirit and soul
I am a body, torn apart apart by hatred and rotten words

You have not seen me